So there’s this ten year old kid who lives in the neighborhood, and he is the biggest menace known to humankind. He is forever terrorizing me, and I cannot for the life of me say why. And not only that, my husband never sees his acts of terror, and thinks I am overreacting when I describe his shenanigans! “Sheila, he’s just a kid,” he says, but doesn’t see what I do. The little terrorist is just mean. Period.
One day I was coming home for lunch, and I sat down my bag and drink on the deck rail a few feet away so I could unlock the back door. I heard a “smack” behind me and what sounded like a small rock hit the deck, but when I looked around I didn’t see anything. The door open, I reached for my bag and drink, and that’s when I realized what had happened…there was a small hole in two sides of my drink! The little brat had SHOT MY DRINK!
I looked out to try and locate the little weasel, but I did not see anything. There are a lot of places he could be hiding (landscaping) or he could have run away by then. I couldn’t close my mouth from disbelief! I said it out loud, “HE SHOT MY DRINK!”
I called my husband for support and to report the atrocity, and he downplayed it as if I could be MISTAKEN!
“Well honey, you can’t just randomly accuse a 10-year old of shooting at you. Maybe the drink already had a hole in it…”
“Oh, okay…maybe it did, Charlie…maybe it already had TWO holes in it (like it did when I went to pick it up) and I just didn’t notice it. You’re probably right…what was I thinking? …OR…maybe Charlie, just maybe…HE SHOT MY FREAKING DRINK!!!”
“Okay, sweety…just calm down. We can figure this out…maybe it was a mistake…maybe…”
“Figure out WHAT? He is a dangerous little brat and he SHOT MY DRINK! What if he had hit ME with his little WMD? THEN what? He definitely did it on purpose!”
And then my husband had the audacity to do something that almost caused me to go through the phone and wring his neck…he laughed. That’s right. It shouldn’t have surprised me because he is always laughing at me, but not when OUR HOME IS UNDER ATTACK!!! OMG!
“So you’re gonna laugh, is that it? I’ve been SHOT and you think it’s funny? Is that how it is?”
“Well honey, you have to admit…”
“NO! I do NOT have to admit…I have been legally terrorized and you are an ass! I could have been killed!”
“What does ‘legally terrorized’ mean?”
“It means somebody TRIED TO KILL ME and I HATE YOU……..THAT’S what it means!”
“HAHAHAHAHAAA…you don’t hate me.”
“Just do something, Charlie! What are you gonna do?”
“I’ll stop by his house on the way home and talk to his dad…will that make you happy?”
“Well, I want you to be mean about it…don’t hem and haw…you need to defend my honor!”
“I will defend your honor…”
“And tell him I have killed other little boys like him, and that I will kill him too, and he better stop terrorizing me!”
“I’ll tell him you will kill him if he doesn’t stop…”
“Okay. And mean it!”
“I’ll mean it.”
“Don’t ‘Bye sweety’ me...”