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If you need a laugh today, then this should do it!
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there wasnothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one badapple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden...Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as longas he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He askedsome other people to join him, but they said they wouldhave to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was morefamous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob hisbirthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a sonnamed Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name wasCharlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egyptand away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues onPharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every daywith manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet yourneighbour's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the firstBible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing agiant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and thenbarfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is thestar of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It wouldbe nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners likethe Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that theynamed a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and evenpreached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of theAluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
-------Do share this delightful story! --------
Paul Walker, Broker Associate since 1997 Re/Max Preferred 1668 Windham Way OFallon, IL 62269 (618) 409-0510 Realtor.Walker@Gmail.com
Real Estate Blog covering Scott AFB, O'Fallon, Shiloh, Belleville, Mascoutah, Freeburg, Smithton Swansea and Metro East Illinois Real Estate & Homes For Sale, Market Reports, and Real Estate Information, including area information.
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Disclaimer: ActiveRain Corp. does not necessarily endorse the real estate agents, loan officers and brokers listed on this site. These real estate profiles, blogs and blog entries are provided here as a courtesy to our visitors to help them make an informed decision when buying or selling a house. ActiveRain Corp. takes no responsibility for the content in these profiles, that are written by the members of this community.