Here's the ever-so-popular answer I learned in law school.  IT DEPENDS.  :)  Not very helpful, is it?  But hey, I love a good court case.

It really does depend on the breadth and knowledge of the relative, and also the available resources they have that might outperform the relative's level of expertise.  I don't think you can say "yes or no" to any person's advice until you know who you're dealing with.  You raise some great considerations that are applicable to any analysis...but you also have to consider the person wanting to help.  I have some relatives that are not realtors but see enough of the business to give great advice.  And in all reality, some realtors are not all that up on things and might not be as informed as a perceived outsider.

So...my vote as a jury member is "it depends".

I also think, again, your considerations are excellent factors to help you decide.

WooHoo Sally, this is inevitible and we need to work around it. I always take a proactive stance on advisors. I tackle the issue before it comes up. If you lay the proper groundwork, you can "blunt" the effect of the advice.

Good Luck.

Bill Roberts

Jason:  Hey...that sounds like a good one..."it depends". I just finished one where it was the dad doing everything by POA (my repeat client is off island). It depends.  I had to switch for a whole different personality but it went smoothly! Especially when he started trusting me as much as she kept telling him to.

Bill: Ahhh....we do need to work around it. It's like getting in the middle of my husband and his family. Uh uh. I agree...get all our knowledge and know how up front quick so "everyone" is in awe..ha!

Sally,

I'm with you on this one. I have had some very rough transactions when a family member or friend was involved. The emotions make every decision that much harder for the client to make. It also undermines the Realtor's ability to provide sound advice because the other person is causing too much interference. It's also difficult if the client takes the advice of the family member over yours and then tries to tell you it was your fault that things went badly because you didn't warn them of the consequences.

Woo Hoo Sally...

Actually...There are 3 sides to everything:

Your side...My side...And the truth.

Sorry I couldn't resist saying that. You teed it up nice and pretty :)

TLW...ROAR!

Andrew: Such is life. I just try to handle it the most diplomatic way I can. There's always a way.

TLW:  Hey...that one sounds good too! And just what may the "truth" be?

Sally, I recently had a situation recently where on the day of the walkthrough the young man I was working with brought 5 other family members with him.  They had not seen the house before and started to make him very concerned that he had overpaid, among other things that they, the "experts" saw.  I had to request that they wait outside, and spend considerable time calming my client down.  My current perspective is that family members who are not the true decision makers can hinder the process.

The reality depends - I have had great situations that would not, IMO, have worked out if not for family being involved, as well as a couple where things did not work out (but the family member was paying so they get to vote!). I always try to find out up front WHO is going to be involved so as to not be surprised.

Jeff

Frankly, it rubs me the wrong way if the family member has absolutely no experience and especially if they come in from another part of the country and try to overlay that experience in this market.  However, I understand the emotions and "go with the flow" softly commenting, "Gee, it would be great if it worked that way here.""  Karen

Sally, very true. I have dealt with many parents being in a college town. The worst are the Realtors that refer us to their kids. Not only are they Realtors in another state where things are done differently, but they are mom and dad.  I could give you a horror story but I'll say LOL.

I can tell you that I always groan when a buyer/seller says they being advised by family/friends.  It always seems to complicate the process.  There has to be a certain level of trust between the buyer/seller and their Realtor.

Lisa:  I had the both sides of the family involved. The in laws on both sides came to the home inspection (that was worse) and then by time it was the final walk through the WHOLE family loved me. Fine. Instead of a client...I gained both sides of the family too.

Jeff: I too conform to the situation....we have to be chameleons and adapt to whatever the situation may be. Just because we don't like it does not mean we can't deal with it.

Karen: Yup!  That's it. We can't demand they don't have their families and friends involved. What would that be saying about us?

Missy: And yet....you do it right?

Dan: Of course there should be. What do you do if you gotinto this situation?

Sis - My gut reaction is it is rarely a good idea for family and friends to give advice in an arena not too many are astutely informed about.  I feel better about them referring someone they trust to consult them, rather than for them to get in their ears with their opinion du jour.

Jason:Hey...I like that ...opinion du jour...yeah....but as it stands......as a professional I have to try and sort out a way to keep the family at bay while dealing with the clients...and not get in the way of that "trust" with family members unless it is jeopardizing the transaction.

Unless they are making a financial contribution to the down payment or closing costs, stay out.  Over the years, I've had family and friends try their best to kill a real estate purchase because:

1.  The friend has a friend who is an agent.

2.  The friend bought a house last year and wants to "advise".

3.  The boyfriend in Virginia doesn't want the buyer to buy in Maryland.

4.  The father doesn't trust any agent.

5.  Grandfather believes the buyer should buy something on a large lot, in Bethesda. Ha!!

I could go on and on.  Just keep them out of my hair.  If they cause the buyer to fail to write, I'm through with the buyer.  If they interfere after the earnest money is deposited, the buyer better know that they will lose their money.  

Hi Sally--Like everything else in real estate, my answer is: it depends. On a first time home purchase of which I deal with many, parents are often along. Sometimes they can be helpful as they will explain to the starry-eyed kids that the home is a deathtrap! Other times they are a detriment if they do not understand how the market works. Mostly, I have had good experiences with parents or other relatives being involved.

Lenn:   Grrrr you get em Lenn. Although I have to say...I have had some nice ones...and they were a part of the money down, closing costs.....and just plain nice. I've also had to work with an agent who's family was buying. He was the worst one and I had to "disown" him...hahaha.

Teri: Same for me ....and sometimes they help...sometimes make it worse. I believe it's up to me to be the one to keep it straight.

Hi, Sally Jo- I dealt with this A LOT in new construction.  What I found was that following the lead of the interloper is a good bet- once you hit their "bad" side, it's over.  I have never "won" an argument with someone posing as the buyers advocate- rather, "siding" with them often ends up with the result that is best for the buyer.  Offering, "you could be right" often stymies them, because it's not the property that they have a problem with, it's the judgement of a stranger (me) that bothers them.  I make myself their representative.  I consider making them my ally a challenge, and usually win at this because there is sometimes no deal without that understanding.  I save my argumentative, nasty, incorrigable side for AR. :)  Great post- this happens to all of us.

Sally, I almost NEVER deter the sale of a home (and I am often called in pre-purchase) if the buyers LOVE it.  I truly believe their own personal chi can overcome any "Feng Shui" obstacles that can be corrected.

Laurie:  That's funny...I totally agree...gotta be the professional understanding agent. (with a smile)....I'd have lost many a transaction without it. I like your comments Auntie. You must be busier these days. Have a good weekend.

Carole: Interesting side to all of this. I think I would appreciate you being there for my pre-purchase! The thing what I'm most interested in is the family members who are giving "advise" that they are not licensed to do...and if it may help/hinder the decision of the buyer...whom it should always be the decision of selling/buying the property.

I had had more than a couple of transactions put at risk and one fall out of escrow because of bad advice from family and friends who thought they were real estate experts.

Randy:  Yeah....that's the downfall...hard to deter the ones who want to listen to the family that has the bad advise.

Sally, My take on this is similar to Laurie's.  As I got older, it became easier for me to gain the trust of parents and other "advisors".  The trick is to widen the dynamic so that you're not only representing the buyers, you're representing the family unit.  I always go out of my way to agree, if I can,  with as many small points as possible that the advocate is making, so that they won't feel that I'm being adversarial when there is something I need to come down strongly on.  It massages their egos and doesn't set them on the defensive.

In the final analysis, if someone is giving the buyers flat wrong advice, I will disagree openly if I have to.  However, it's much more likely to come out successfully if I can speak privately with the buyers when the others aren't around.

Too many cooks in the pot.:)

Brian:  Aww...good way to stay on everyone's good side. This would most likely be the route I take as well. I will always have clients who want to "include" their mom/dad in the process....the military get advise from their friend/commander. For me, I didn't tell anyone until I was in contract. What's worse than my mom telling ME...the professional what I should get...look out for. Nope. I drew the line there...with my own...haha.

Neal: Never heard that line...I guess they're all gettin cooked..hahaha.

Sally,

The worst is when you are already in escrow and they need to bring every single family member over for approval, too many opinions can interfere with a transaction adding more unnecessary stress.

Suzanne: Of course. Do you still put up with it? Find an alternative to "dealing with the whole family"?

For family harmony, I really do not hand out free advice to anybody in my family -- I do send them links to some of my articles, but that's as far as it goes. My family is way too emotional, so I stay at arm's length.

On the other side of the coin, I quite regularly deal with clients who bring family members -- and even friends -- into the transaction. I've rarely had a problem with this. But I do spend a lot of time communicating with the third-ring people. They matter to my clients, so they matter to me. I include them on e-mails, if the client permits it, and generally they readily agree. I'd rather have them in the loop than outside of the loop causing havoc. Informed parties are happy parties. It's good to win them over. I think I'll go have a party now. It's Friday night!

I find this happens most with first time home buyers. The parents opinion is often clouded with emotion. I am actually pretty good at calming their fears since I can relate, having children the came age as theirs. Mine are aged 21-33, so covers the first time home buyer range.

I recently closed a transaction where the buyer's parents had him concerned about a slab foundation versus crawl space. I personally believe he chose the wrong home for the money, but he has a very nice home and is happy.

Love that Elizabeth...great points and I love this as well. Have to keep everyone happy if the client trusts them. I'm the stranger.

Paula: The stress associated with these types of transactions...more often than not can be dealt with in a nice manner where everyone is a winner. All that matters is if the client is happy.

Sally,

I have learned I can't control what others do, I can only control myself and how I react to the situation. Take it as it comes....family and all! :)

Suzanne:  What else is there to do right? :)

Sally...I've had it work for me and against me! I really seems to be a matter of trust. The parent(and it usually is a parent)is very suspicious of this stranger advising their child.

What seems to work is:

-I make them(the parents) love me...then they trust me

-I council my client to not include family until the home inspection...then they can come and ask HIM (the home inspector) all the questions!

Seems to work!!

Sally - buying Real Estate is an emotional process and in my opinion the biggest problem with having friends and family give an opinion is that it can be confusing to the buyer.  If the buyer sets boundaries to those family members/friends from the get go, then it can be a good thing......meaning.....tell me if you like the house (amenities, layout, location)....but don't help me negotiate.

Joan: Me too and I agree. Somehow though, I always seem to make light of it and get the whole family feeling comfortable with me.  One of mine....the dad kept getting my name wrong...and dragged me out to the street to ask about the water pipes...oh, no! Anyway, it all turned out okay and he almost got my name right at the final walk through....called me Sarah. (he must know Sarah Cooper's my long lost sister...hehe)

Ines:  My past experience with one like that....they kept talking the kids into not taking them until the kids told me they no longer wanted to have them tag along. haha.

Personal experience.  My dad talked me out of buying two different properties when I was looking for my first house.  This was 20 years ago.  A few years later he did admit that he was wrong.  I did end up buying but not something that I "loved" nor was a great investment.  However, because I wasn't in love with the house I did buy more wonderful things happened.

I've had parents nix the kids first offer.  On the second, the kids would not let the parents in the house until after settlement.

If I had to make a choice, friends and relatives should not get involved in the decision making process unless they have significant monetary interest.

Hi Sally, to me it all comes down to who can be trusted to do the job AND is also capable of doing it correctly.  Family does need a little more patience though,.. or maybe it just feels that way. Depending on those two criteria it could go either way, really sweet or really NOT! :)

Judi: We all seem to want to "rid" the process of family and friends and then if approached ...yet once again with the same situation...what do I do? I do my best and get it going....family and all. Sometimes the client has to experience the frustration it all can bring....sometimes they may need the support with this stranger.

Hey Sally,   I have had this happen several times.  Usually the parents/family hop in RIGHT brfore making an offer.  It only affected the transaction negatively one time...they bought, just not right away.  I now ask if they have any family that they would like the opinion of when we start looking now.  Seems to make it go smoother.  I don't really mind it, it can get confusing, but I don't really mind it.

I just always remind the buyer that it is THEIR money and they are the ones that will have to LIVE in the home.  Not their family member or friend.  They need to do what is right for them, not what the other person thinks is right for the other person.  Only the buyer truly knows what they should buy.  IMO.  :)

Nickie!  I got the receipt, brochure and letter from

I agree...and that's me! WooHoo!

Stephanie:   I have the same attitude. I'm not going to refuse but I will surely give my opinions and of course my expertise!

Sally it does not bother me if a family member or friends gets involved in a loan that I am doing as long as they are present when I am doing the loan and answering questions, because then I have the opportunity to answer their questions as well as the Borrowers question, and I can also combat directly anything that they are saying that is not accurate.

But I do not like it when the family member or friend is giving advice in the background and I do not get the chance to face them one on one. 

Sally,

Sure hope people don't ask me whether they should have heart surgery or not!

And you know what they say about someone who represents themselves in court.........they have a fool for a client!

The best real estate advice should be from the real estate agent.  Just because a family member bought a house 10 years ago doesn't make them an expert!

That's my $.02

Lucky :)

I just had a deal go South because of way too many cooks spoiling the pot. It was a young couple purchasing their first condo. Before I could even make an offer BOTH sets of parents had to see the prospective home.  I finally banned the girl's mother. She was simply a deal killer who took 2 hours every time to pick apart a simple condo. I said that she would be welcome once the deal was in escrow to help with the decorating etc.  The young couple delayed so long that the credit crunch caught up with them.  They still could have afforded a nice unit, but the young lady was very - ahem- high maintenance. Let's just say she wanted champaign and her budget was merely a fine California wine (certainly not beer.)  The inability to compromise at all was enabled by the mother who was encouraging the girl to create necessities out of luxuries  - putting an "acceptable unit" waaaay out of price range - by about $200k.  When their borrowing capacity went downhill - so did any kind of a deal. Now they are renting at about $3000 a month in a luxury condo.  Well, it was one way to get all the luxury perks the girl wanted without having to get a lender's  approval - but they would have been far better off buying!  What a total waste.  All those beautiful tax deductions down the drain. I am still relatively new (2 years) and hadn't seen parents get this insane before.  Maybe I was lucky not to have encountered it.  I've had parents, but they were often useful.  They weren't out to kill everything and seemed to recognize what a BUDGET was. 

George: That's a good point. I think that it's good to get it out in the open. To have client's say my dad said this or that I would have to say all I can do is give my best opinion or advice.  Other than that...have them call me. better yet, bring em along.

Lucky:  I agree. What about the client who's dad's best friend is a real estate agent who said this or that (duh, but you didn't go with him)

Ruthmarie: I just hope if it ever happens again it works out smoother and as always...we learn from all transactions...:)

Well let me see....  I would say I am for the family involvement to a point.   I think with younger people buying ... they need to go through the channels of parents giving advice to keep peace in the family.   But it is up to us as agents to keep the situation in "check".  

Do allow the "family" to overstep their bounds... sometimes it is necessary to pull loved ones aside and explain to them as much as they think they are helping they could be adding more stress to already stressful situation.

It can be touchy but you gotta go with the flow..............

Woo Hoo - Just a part of the process.  Each situation is different.  Not always the fun part of the job, but there are times when family and/or friends can really be a great help as well.

I have been involved with TOO many transactions where an outside person is giving advice. I recently had a loan officer tell a client that he knew a particular neighborhood very well because he closed a loan for another client there last year, and he wouldn't pay "x" for a certain house. It was a deal killer and ultimately a lost client for me because she was listening to so many different people giving her advice.

I understand that we have a short time to build trust compared to a long lasting friend or family, so I doubt there is a solution - certainly not the part of this job that I like!

Desiree: I go with the flow too.

Marlene: Like another answer was "it depends"...that's it in a nutshell.

Leigh: There's always ups and downs. I always say (after it's all over) whew...now what did I learn from this. A lot of times it's something about me. weird...but true.

Sally, as much as I would love to tell my customers to not listen to their families, it is going to happen. I have had to over come it often.

Whether they should or whether they shouldn't, they will.  Just the way it is.  :)

Daniel: I believe all of us have. It may get discouraging at times..buy hey, the majority of us go for the gusto and go above and beyond.....I myself get out there and paint, sickle down 10 ft. California grass (okay, I used an electric hedgetrimmer..but it worked), cleaned and the works. So why would I shy away from family and friends? Oh, no. I have no shame and I do have a mouth....that speaks. :) Thanks.

Chris: I like that...simple to the point...and true. 

The "it depends" and the 3 sides are my votes :) :) that's from the evidence presented :)

Kathy:  I'm right along with ya! ....from all the evidence presented...ha!

In the past, family has been helpful.  They are often a "reality check" for young people who want far more than they can afford.  I had one mother tell her daughter "What do you mean you MUST have private laundry in the unit?  I didn't have that luxury until I was nearly 40 years old!  You'll live!"  That comment made all the difference.  Calmed the girl down and allowed her to rethink her needs vs. wants. She really thought she would "die" having to use a common laundry.  I think that I've had such positive experiences from family members that I was blindsided by parents who were killing deal after deal - and encouraging a young couple to really overspend! To me, that was a new one. 

 So I guess i have to modify my anti-family stance.  These people were torture - but most of the time, they aren't such a bad influence.

Ruthmarie:  Don't worry...I always get "blindsided" by the "worst" transaction in the world...and then I think back...hmmmm...the good far outweigh the bad....and I love what I do...and I love the look on their faces when it all comes to an end....and I know...I did a good job.....I sleep good at night.

Never, Ever mix business with family if at all avoidable.......

Duane Hosek in the Black Hills of South Dakota

Duane: I take it as it comes...

Sally- Great conversation going on here and I missed it at the start. Congratulations on getting featured and tons of comments! It depends. If you set up the groundwork, if you establish yourself as the expert and then build the know, like and trust with each of the family members, they will then in turn look to you as well. When you get defensive about who you are and that they may be a deal breaker, you are sending that signal out to them. Defensive behavior is looked upon as weakness and then they have the upper hand. Neutralize by not being defensive. 

There are some cultures that the home buying process is a total family decision. Reading up on how to interact with different cultures would help an agent in this situation. That is why I got my CIPS designation. Great job on this Sally! Katerina 

Katerina: As you know, Hawaii has so many cultures....and a lot have their families here or other islands...so hard not to have family members involved....or for that matter friends...lol! Many become friends early on....and even the young ones trust "auntie" more than family anyway..ahha!

SALLY:  There is no shortage of armchair quarterbacks out there when it comes to "helping" someone with the purchase or sale of their home.  Some people don't know anything and they stay out of the way of the transaction.  Those are the people that I like the best.  Others have learned from the media and hearsay of others and feel like experts.  They have just enough information to make their point, but not enough to offer professional advice.  The problem is that they have enough information to be dangerous because of their access to a friend or family member.  I know that we, as REALTORS, always use this ridiculous analogy, but I think that we do it to drive home a point, so I'll use it too.  People wouldn't let their friends and family diagnose them for a medical issue because of something that they heard in the news.  At the very least, they would consult their doctor if they thought that the person close to them had a point.  We are often times in the unfortunate position of not being given the final opportunity to "diagnose," as others get involved without having all of the facts.  Good post, Sally.

Adam: Insomnia?  It must be 2am there!  Okay....writing'll make ya tired.  In any case no matter which way it goes...I just have extra effort to explain the process to ALL and by time it's over I say Whew!

We can pick our friends...but not our family!  In Real Estate Transactions...we get what we get!  It's always a toss up and hopefully a reasonable one!  GOOD POST!  We have all had the enjoyment of experiencing this!! 

Ohhh Yeahh!!  And Congrats on your GOLDEN STAR Miss Sally!!

Hey, I didn't see that little golden star...will that be something the jury needs to know in deciding :):) Even if not...it's good evidence :) :)

Susie: We sure do ...get what we get...we have the ability to choose...although how many would turn down a client just because the family wants to help their "baby".

Kathy: No...that doesn't help decide...you folks do...silly :)

This is a great post Sally...then again most of your are. :) I think it really depends on the situation and the family member or friend. I'll have to think about this some more.

Pamela:  I presume that it really is a personal choice if we work with clients...regardless of what comes with them.

Hey Sally- I spelled jury jusy  and you didn't comment.....I will leave it for 15 minutes then change it :) :) Darn, I have to stop trying to type so fast, but I can be a good jury member....my mind works:)

Kathy:  I like jusy. ....haha. I don't comment on the post about people's spelling......especially on mine. ha!

Sally.. Great question.. and always a potential problem with any transaction.. I've found that it helps if you know there will be others involved upfront and you have an opportunity to help them realize that you  ( the agent) are honest and trustworthy and have their son, daughter,friend, relative's best interests at heart.  I would rather they show up at the first home tour and go along on every trip then show up the day before closing. 

Kaye: I would like it all the way I like it...ha...doesn't happen that way though. I guess as always...we change like chameleons...to whatever situation arises. (and deal with it lol)

In thinking about it, I believe that if you can direct family members to be a POSITIVE influence they can be very helpful. By that I don't mean that they cheer mindlessly at EVERY POSSIBLE DEAL!  What I mean is that they work with the first-time buyer calming nerves and helping them to understand the good and the bad and working with their long-term goals.  Also, helping with likes and dislikes.  These people KNOW your buyers and they know them better than we ever could in the short time we have with them. So, if you enlist them to help in a positive way, you may get positive results.  However, when you get someone set on killing deals, you have to be prepared to "take charge" of the situation.  I went so far as saying that the parents of one client would be welcome AFTER there was an accepted offer.  This ruffled feathers, but these folks were just death to ANY deal, no matter how rational.  If that doesn't work - you may have to dump the client. You aren't going to get a sale with that type of situation.

Ruthmarie: All different ways to look at the situation and certainly different ways to deal with each. Bottom line...we change and conform to each situation and as professionals find a way to make it work...as smoothly as possible. Good one.

Hi Sally-I tend to agree with TLW, there are several sides to a story.  We all see life different including buying and selling real estate.   Next I am very involved in my parents selling their house.  Yes I would not have it any other way.  My parents gave me my life so if they want my advice or want me highly involved that is the least I can do.  

Neal is quite capable but again, he and I look at the buying and selling process differently so if we put our two heads together and work together....we may have a shot and get it sold!  A 

I don't mind if family gets involved with the home purchase and selling.  Been down that route many times.  

I think in these instances you have to really have great communications.  One of my first transactions....2 kids getting married, future in laws, huge family....they all attended everything including the inspections, the walk thru and the closing.  There were times, I had to remind them I was the professional realtor, they were the family... 

For me I always have told the buyer that while the whole family will give their opinion and ideas.  Remember you are the one making the mortgage payment.  It's your decision, plain and simple.

If my sons were buying a house I would be involved, they would make the decisions but I would help them along especially if I felt that there was something not r