Relationship Building, Part I
Who Do They Think I Am
by Rich Schiffer, Weichert Realtors

Relationship, noun. 
A term used to describe how one person or thing views or interacts with another person or thing.

To start with, let's consider a relationship between two individuals:  You and your neighbor, for example.  There are actually 2 relationships going on.  There is the relationship you have with your neighbor, and there is the relationship your neighbor has with you.  These are two distinct relationships.  Two distinct views on the interaction between the two of you.

It has been said that one habit of highly effective people is to "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

It is common knowledge, that if you want to build on a certain piece of land, you first must survey the land, and examine it features before you can proceed with any type of planning.  You can apply that concept to building relationships, as well.  If you seek to build a relationship, or improve an existing one, you would be well advised to understand what foundation you are trying to build or improve apon.

You could ask yourself, "How does this person view me?  Who do they think I am?"  This can be a good starting point, but the answers you come up with, no matter how introspective and insightful you may be, will still be based on your perspective.  You are really only able to answer the question when it is rephrased, "How do I think this person views me?  Who do I think they think I am?"

A more interesting approach, if you really want to get to understand the relationship, is to ask your neighbor, "How do you see me?  When you think of me, what comes to mind?"  Not many people I know would really want to know the answer to those types of questions, but ironicly, it is those types of answers that actually give you access to the information needed to powerfully improve the relationship.

Businesses have long understood the value of customer feedback.  An entire industry has popped up to service businesses that seek to improve their relationships with customers.  Customer comment cards, satisfaction surveys, and "how's my driving" bumper stickers are commonplace.  There are even 3rd party internet sites dedicated solely to providing companies with feedback from customers.

If you ask your neighbor, "What can I do in your eyes to be thought of as a good neighbor?" the answer will give you a direction to go in to improve the relationship. 

As you saw in my definition of Relationship, above,  a relationship can exist between a person and a thing.  A perfect example would be the relationship between the real estate buyer and the real estate market.

As a Realtor, if I want to improve the way my client views the real estate market, before I barrage him with information on market stats and availability of morgtage money, I first need to ask "What is your view of the real estate market?"  (Back to the blind men and the elephant analogy -- "Which part of the elephant are you familiar with?"  That way, I can directly address any concerns, dispell any myths, and speak to them in a way that respects their position.  Another example of this type of relationship building is taking time to really understand the buyers needs and desires before showing them house after house.

In relationships, perception is reality.  The blind man touched the elephant's trunk, and perceived a snake.  To him, there is a snake there.  As soon as he perceived it was a snake, his hand instinctively withdrew, his heart began to race, and he began to be affraid.  The perception, though incomplete (and inaccurate), created a very real, complete response.  In his world, there was actually a snake there.  He is not aware that his perception is flawed or incomplete. 

If someone perceives you a certain way, to them, you are that way.  If they percieve you as untrustworthy, to them you are untrustworthy.  The thought in their mind is not "Well, my immediate perception is that this person cannot be trusted, but I may be wrong."  No.  The thought in their mind is more likely to be something like, "Oh, I know someone who was really taken advantage of by a Realtor.  I bet this guy is trying to outsmart me..."  They will react to you, your presentations, your calls, whatever, based on the reality created by their perceptions.  To them, you are how they perceive you to be.  Only when you present them with another perception -- a more complete one -- will their reality begin to shift, and the relationship improve, so that you will come to be known the way you want to be known.  More on this in Part 4.

To summarize so far:

• There are two sides to every relationship:  How you view them, and how they view you.
• A key aspect of improving a relationship is to first understand the other person's view.
• In a very real way, you are how you are perceived to be.

The Introduction and Overview of this series can be found here