She was SO STRESSED about the move, what could I tell her?!
Well, I found that this was a well written article. I thought I would try to re-blog this posting to others can also learn something on this topic as well.
A few weeks ago I got a call from a good friend who wanted me to talk to her daughter Alexis. They were moving, and knowing that my parents moved us almost annually, she was hoping that I had some words of wisdom to pass along.
What could I say that would actually help? Did I really know anything that could make this less painful for her or that she hadn't already heard a hundred times before?
When she came to the phone the stress in her voice brought a tear to my eye. This normally bubbly, bright, wonderful kid reminded me of how scary it can be to face the unknown. Suddenly I was eleven years old, trying not to make eye contact as another new teacher tells me to introduce myself to the class.
It was then I remembered a universal truth: there are no easy moves and everybody kicks the new kid. I had to be honest with her, this was going to hurt. As we discussed her fears and anticipations I was reminded that some of the lessons I learned as a new kid continue to feed me today.
For example, I learned that friendship comes in two varieties. It is either rapid and complete, like two magnets clicking together, or it is slowly recognized over time. What leads to both types of friendship, though, is exactly the same: conversation.
Only in conversation can you discover shared interests. Only in conversation can you get to know someone. Only in conversation can you begin to establish a relationship. I remembered that moving taught me to get really good at starting conversations.
So I decided to teach her a few of the strategies we use to start conversations at Happy Grasshopper. Since we're essentially in the business of helping people make friends, I thought it would help.Here are some of the conversation starting tips I gave her:
- Don't talk about yourself. It's much better to take the initiative and ask questions like, "so what do you like to do around here?" This usually leaves an opening to ask several follow up questions like, "Really, where is that? How long have you been doing that? How did you get started?" Resist the urge to turn every question into a chance to talk about yourself. For most of us, this is really hard.
- Comment on something in the form of a question. This is the classic "Did you see this?" question. We use this as a conversation starter at Happy Grasshopper very frequently. It works because it's direct and non-threatening. I told her, "Don't say 'I watched Jersey Shore last night. Say 'Did you see that Snookie got $32,000 to speak at Rutgers?'" (I always cringe when I mention Snookie...)
- Sincerely listen. This is such old advice, frequently given. Why? Because it is absolutely necessary if you're going to make friends. Have you ever noticed that you really listen to the people you like most? It's a two-way street.
When we finished the call I felt pretty good. She was laughing and didn't seem so stressed. I've seen her posts on Facebook and know from talking to her mom that she's made a bunch of new friends.
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