When I heard that Osama had been captured, I turned on Fox News, just like I always do, to see how those wacky guys and gals would spin it.
The first thing I noticed, of course, was the fact that they spelled his name "Usama" with a "U." Now, it generally makes my brain hurt watching uneducated Fox News correspondents talk about grown-up stuff, but this was the spelling of the name of our Number One Enemy. Surely, even a Fox News intern could handle that, right?
Fortunately, I was sitting with a conservative friend and he explained that Fox News always misspells Osama, unless they are comparing the President's name to Osama, in which case they spell it correctly.
Okay. So it wasn't a typo. They know exactly what they are doing. I'll give them that. Spelled with a "U" last night and an "O" when we talk to The Birthers. Got it.
This morning, I went to FoxNews.com, because I knew that would be pretty interesting as well. Again, they do not fail to delight the hearts and minds with their "fair and balanced" coverage.
"Bin Laden Dead" is the headline. Beneath that, a picture of...wait for it...George Bush.
George Bush? Under today's headline?!? Huh?
Of course! The man who FAILED to find Osama and actually invaded the WRONG COUNTRY looking for him, gets a spot right under the headline? No sign of our actual Commander-In-Chief of our troops, just a picture of the guy that so miserably failed our troops instead. This is why they call it Faux News. It doesn't get any worse than this:
"Mission Accomplished," right Georgey Boy?
Underneath the picture of the former failed president and war criminal: "Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Party."
God Bless America. Now that's news.
But could somebody please call Fox News and remind them who the President of the United States is? They are confusing our Commander-In-Chief with that guy who took all of that vacation time while the terrorists were plotting 9/11. The guy who tapped American phones illegally. The guy responsible for over 100,000 deaths in Iraq. The guy who ordered illegal torture. The man who took his orders directly from God.
Why didn't God tell Bush where Osama was? I wonder. He works in mysterious ways I guess. Giving all of this glory to that Kenyan guy...who is that again? Why would God give the glory to the Kenyan Socialist?
I know the answer. Don't bother telling me. It was Satan. Satan helped Obama find Usama.
Glenn Beck-- see ya! Even conservatives think you are too stupid for the airwaves. Even Fox News had to let you go. Maybe if you picked up a history book or even-- GOD FORBID!-- went to college, you would have lasted a little longer. Before you dress like Thomas Paine, you might want to actually read a book about him.
Birthers-- He was born here. You got what you wanted. Please shut up now. Go back to talking about secession or how America "isn't ready for a black president" or writing misspelled words on signs. Talk about reading our precious constitution, which has been adjusted and amended by the liberals you hate so much. Talk about going back to the good old days when women couldn't vote and white men could rape their slaves. You know, normal stuff like that.
And Osama.
Obama accomplished our number one most important agenda, according to what conservatives have been telling us for years. So thank you President Obama. I know that conservatives will be rushing to congratulate you, exactly as they would if Bush would have done it. Because they certainly wouldn't be hypocrites. Let the congratulations pour in...
When you don't believe in government, government doesn't work. That should make sense to you even if you are dressed like Thomas Paine right this very second.
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