Hundreds of Professional Football players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!
For only $27,080 a month, about $902.75 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NFL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help!
Although $900 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a football player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or having 18 holes leave the holes with him on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, nine hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a football player, $900 will partially replace his daily salary. This will enable each NFL player to keep up his supply of growth hormones needed to remain big, fast and mean enough to give you those spine rattling hits.
Your commitment of less than $900 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio or attend a sexual addiction clinic to help him come up with better leads for women than e-harmony could ever do. Plus room and board is included.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, child support payments and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your NFL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. This is the least America can do for these gladiators who give you so much joy during the football season busting up their and everybody else's body that runs in their way. Players like Tiki Barber can not be away from pleasing you and are coming back to the NFL to run some more for your enjoyment. Plexico Buress is out of jail and looking for employment but of course there is none with the lockout. Even Tom Brady who's wife Gisele Bunchen makes $45 million dollars a year needs your help as you can understand how difficult it must be for a man like Tom having to ask his wife for his child support money. Antonio Cromartie will give back his sperm to any couples out there not able to have children.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a locked out NFL player. My preference is (check below):
[ ] Offense [ ] Defense [ ] Special Teams [ ] Entire team
Please charge the account listed below $902.75 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player and my very own Roger Goodell (NFL Commissioner) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat). Proceeds of the hat go to the salary of Roger Goodell who's given up his paycheck until the Players and owners have an agreement.
Your Name: ____________________Telephone Number: ___________________
Account Number: __________________Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
Signature: _______________________
Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
Signature: ______________________
p.s. If you have a little extra, please enclose for the cheerleaders. Contrary to public opinion, cheerleaders are people too and they are there for your enjoyment.
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