Time for a little levity...
I have to admit...I do not like cats. Never have...My mom had a cat when I was growing up...Siamese. It hated me. Soulless devil spawn, it was...
I know there are plenty of people out there that love cats. And, that is all well and good. I'm happy for you. I, however, do not share in your enthusiasm. And, here is a brief synopsis as to why...
HOW TO GIVE A PILL TO A CAT
Sit on the sofa
. Pick up your cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
With your right hand, position your right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to it's cheeks while holding the pill in your right hand. (Be patient as your cat will give you a little fit about having this done to it.)
As our cat opens it's mouth, pop the pill into it's open mouth. Allow the cat to close it's mouth and swallow.
Let go of your cat, noticing the direction it runs.
Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle the cat in left arm and repeat process.
Chase the cat down and remove it from under the dining room table. Sit on the floor in kitchen, wrap your arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
Retrieve your cat from bedroom and throw the soggy pill away. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take a new pill from the foil wrap, cradle your cat in left arm holding rear it's paws tightly with left hand. Force the jaws open and push the pill to back of it's mouth with your right forefinger. Hold it's mouth shut for a count of ten.
Pry the cat's claws out of your arm. Wipe the blood away with your other hand. Curse. Go get the cat again. Pick up the half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into the garbage can.
Try again. This time, you need to retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl and the cat from the top of your closet.
Call your spouse in from the backyard. Kneel on floor with your cat wedged firmly between your knees, hold both the front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by your cat. Get your spouse to hold it's head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into it's mouth. Drop pill down the ruler into the open mouth and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve your cat from the living room curtain rod. Get another pill from the foil wrap. Make a personal note to buy new ruler and repair the shredded curtains. Carefully sweep the shattered Doulton figurines from the hearth and set the pieces to one side for gluing later.
Get your spouse to lay on the cat with it's head just visible from below their armpit. Put the pill in end of drinking straw, force the mouth open with pencil and blow down into the drinking straw.
Check the label of the foil package to make sure the pill you nearly just inhaled is not harmful to humans, then drink a glass of water to take the taste away. Apply some Neosporin and Band-Aids to your spouse's forearm and remove the newly placed blood stains from the carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve your damn cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place the cat in your kitchen cupboard and close door onto it's neck to leave only the head showing. Force the mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick the pill down it's throat a with rubber band.
Curse yet again. Fetch a screwdriver from the garage and put the cabinet door back on it's hinges. Apply a cold compress to your cheek and check your medial records for the date of your last tetanus shot. Throw your t-shirt away and fetch a new one from bedroom.
Call the local fire department to retrieve your cat from the tree across the road. Apologize to your neighbor who crashed into his fence while swerving to avoid your dumb cat.
Take another pill from foil wrap.
Tie your cat's front paws to it's rear paws with garden twine and bind it tightly to the leg of your dining room table. Find some heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force the cat's mouth open with small spanner wrench. Push the pill into it's mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold it's head vertically and pour one cup of water down the open throat to wash the pill down.
Get your spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while the doctor stitches your fingers and forearm and removes the shattered pill remnants from your right eye.
Call the furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Once home, arrange for the SPCA to get your cat and call the local pet shops to see if they have any hamsters.
Conversely .......
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
Take The pill and wrap it up in bacon.
Throw it into the air.
Done.
Dogs win every time.
Follow me on Twitter. Connect with me on Facebook. Engage with me any time.
Comments(16)