Torn from my heart; from my life when I was just 18 years old that would some 22 years later also bring my wonderful husband Nestor into my life was my mother and her story. But at the very moment I lost her a void filled my heart and soul and for many years I would not accept her departure only looking at how cruel of an event had taken place and that someone would take my mother from me. I was angry that my children would never get to meet her on this earth. The anger was raging inside, mad at my God for “allowing” this to happen, angry at my not being there for her, angry at the world and injustice as seen through an 18 year olds eyes and angry at myself for not being there for her and being so far away from her. Then there was the anger that came up when I did not even know that my mother had died until after her funeral was over. I lived in Hawaii, she died in California and her funeral and burial was in Tacoma, Washington in a special Latvian section of a cemetery there. There were no faxes, cell phones or even express mail. But there were telegrams. My grandmother sent a letter to me saying my mother died, not special delivery, not in a telegram and my anger turned to numbness and an unemotional response would emerge eventually. I would learn to place that anger deep into my body and mind. She had left 3 other minor children behind.
My mother’s birthday was on October 26th and this was the same date that I would meet Nestor years later. Everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that all is done for good. I know that my mother led Nestor to me, that is for another post, another day. Here is a photo of my mother when she was in High School in Tacoma, Washington.
This post is a tribute to my mother, Ausma Regina Jaunzeme. She was born in Riga, Latvia. To read more about Latvia and my family’s immigration to the United States you can read this post: Stolen Once, Stolen Twice, We Deserve To Get Our Land Back.
Ausma became very popular at Tacoma’s Stadium High School and graduated a year early with a full scholarship to Stanford University where she met my father. I was born at the Stanford University Hospital. My mother had a hard time being a wife and playing the wife role. She was a hippy and a free spirit. My parents went on to have four children before they divorced. We were living in Germany at that time and my mother decided to go back to school at Stanford. They loved her so much at the University. She felt accepted and comforted in the academic society. She graduated with a PHD, Phi Beta Kapa and there is even a memorial for her there. Ausma spearheaded the first Baltic Department in the United States at Stanford University and wrote the text books for Baltic Studies. She was one of the few people in the United States that knew how to speak Middle High German. Her Dissertation was the translation of the Middle High German ‘Rhyme Chronicle’. I googled her works and they are still being used at Universities and someone has been selling her works through different publishers.
She graduated with her PHD, a year before she was killed. The year before she died she wrote two other books, ‘ Kokle Tuksnesi’ and ‘Songs Of The Morning Angel’. When I googled my mother’s name I found sites selling her books here and in Latvia. This makes me wonder who is getting the royalties for her writings? The photo on the left below is my mother with me when I was 6 months. The photo on the right is my mother 5 years before she was killed.
My mother could speak several languages: Latvian, English, Russian, Estonian, Lithuanian, Italian, German, Middle High German and some French and Spanish. She taught herself how to play the piano and harpsichord. The creative part of my mother was incredible. She wanted to own a Piano so bad as a teenager that in Tacoma Washington she would go berry picking every summer to save up her money to buy her Piano and she did. Ausma could play the guitar and a Latvian instrument called a Kokle which is like a small version of a harp that is played on your lap. She could sing! She sang Latvian Folk songs and Opera. We would go to Latvian song festivals where she would sing and dance. We learned all the Latvian folk dances. I remember I used to look forward to each summers song festival. My mother made us beautiful crowns for our heads and costumes that we would wear with pride for our heritage. She wrote poetry and painted oil paintings that have been on display at many art centers around the United States. Her poetry was so famous among Latvians that her poetry was given to Latvians in Latvia behind the Iron Curtain. The USSR regime banned her poetry and even claimed her as a Russian citizen and tried to get her returned to the USSR for her anti-communist writings.
No one is perfect and neither was my mother. She was not the ‘normal’ mother. Because of her high genius intelligence she suffered from a lack of common sense and really had not interest in things like making dinner, washing dishes or any activity that was not using her ‘mind’. One of the horrible side effects of oppression is Alcoholism. Latvians suffer a lot of alcoholism. My mother did not drink hard liquor but she did drink too much wine and beer. She would be labeled an Alcoholic in today’s world, her liver was corroding from Alcohol abuse. Her father was an Alcoholic and so was her brother. Her mother never had a drink in all her life. I decided at the age of 12 to not ever drink alcohol and I have kept my word to myself ever since. The photo to the left is my mother in 1970.
One day an old lover of hers stopped by her house and told her he would give her a ride to a song festival in LA that she was scheduled to sing and read at. My family lived in Menlo Park, California at the time. We are not sure if she went willingly or not. She was married and this x boyfriend was very jealous. My brother thinks she was forced to go because she did not bring her pillow with her on the trip. There was this one certain pillow that she took everywhere with her. Days later she was found dead in the Mojave Desert in Southern California and had died from suffocation at the age of 42.
My mother lived life to its fullest, she loved life. She was the most uninhibited person I have ever known. It used to embarrass me as a young pre-teen but as I look back, it is one of the most admired qualities she possessed. She would dance anywhere when she heard music that moved her, break out in song when there was a song on the radio anywhere! Being outspoken in her beliefs was a character trait that I admire and strive to emulate. She had her causes she spoke for, wrote for, sang for. One of her dreams was to see Latvia free again. She died in 1978; therefore was not here for the fall of the Iron Curtain but I believe she witnessed it from the other side. She would not let us eat white bread, no preservatives, no sodas and no artificial colors or flavors. From her research she had discovered tests that showed DDT was a toxin and warned people to buy organic fruits and vegetables way before this was an acceptable fact. I learned so much about natural health and proper nutrition from her; everyone looked at her like she was kuku. Today we know all that she said is true.
I discovered last year that a lot of healing can take place through acceptance and forgiving. The power to forgive is for me and my health and soul, not the one who took her life. The judgment of him is not for me to decide, he has his maker to be accountable to. If I kept harboring a grudge, not for the it would only ruin my health and my pursuit of happiness. Understanding that every single thing happens for a reason and that I have the choice to apply my circumstances for the higher good of all involved has really made me free. I am now free of all the anger, regrets and betrayal I kept harbored inside of me for so many years. It took years to grieve and then come to the point of acceptance. All of what I have been through and all of where I have been have prepared me for this exact moment in time and to be who I am, which is me.
So I want to take this moment and wish my mother a very Happy Birthday in spirit! I love you Mommy!
Copyright © by Katerina Gasset, All Rights Reserved *Tribute To The Most Influential Person In My Life*
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