How to navigate the parking lot at Trader Joe’s
Trader Joe’s is a small (very popular) grocery store chain, which occasionally has locations with teeny, tiny parking lots. The parking lot at these Trader Joe’s are designed to only fit 25% of its shoppers at any given time. Here is the guide to navigating the tricky parking situation.
First, you’ve got to have a large car with many blind spots. Borrow one if you need to and wait until rush hour to visit the store. It helps if you’re running late, increasing your blood pressure and decreasing your temper threshold. This is important.
Next, you need to have only a 15-minute window within which you expect to park, shop, and leave the parking lot. Get on the phone with your mother and get her to criticize you just before pulling up to the market.
Upon arrival, approach from the direction that allows youto turn left into the parking lot. This creates maximum traffic blocking opportunities. When you pull forward into the driveway, with most of your large SUV hanging out into traffic lanes, don’t acknowledge the drivers honking at you unless it’s to flip them off. Angrily honk at the driver in front of you who is waiting for the old lady in the motorized wheelchair to pass in front of them. This will show everyone that you mean business.
Never ever go to the back of the parking lot where there might be more spaces because you need to be within 10 feet of the front of the store as opposed to 30 feet. That’s just too far for anyone to be expected to walk. Instead, wait for the lady with 3 kids to load up and leave while you're blocking all other parking lot traffic.
Now once you’ve completed your shopping and you wish to leave, attempt to back out of your space as quickly as possible. If you don’t, everyone will take advantage of your “parked” status by blocking your car. Honking repeatedly and swearing at the employee collecting carts always helps in this important step.
Once you’ve exited the parking lot, step hard on the gas to go as fast as possible to reach the red light on the next block. Congratulations! You’ve successfully navigated the Trader Joe’s parking lot. Quick, tweet your accomplishment while driving!!