Fains Express from Prescott Valley Arizona

HELLO EVERYONE:

Saturday afternoon and what better way to spend it than popping into a bath shop at the mall.  I know, I know, I should have been home, or at a station of libation cheering on the crunching of bodies and the hammering of helmets', but...I'm smearing crams and smelling bottles.

You ever been to one of these stores?  It smells like a French Bordello.  How do I know, you may ask?  I don't!  I'm just guessing, but you get the smell...don't you?  It's pungent, thick, and reeking with every aroma known to womankind.  My nostrils were inflamed, and rebelling from the moment I walked through the door.  I'm sniffing, and all the guys I know are sipping and seeing the battle(s) on the turf.  There is something terribly amiss here.

Women all over the store are in a frenzy.  Hands smearing on this cream, pouring on that lotion, and then waving the infected appendirure under their nose.  "Oh, that's nice," says Martha to Gertrude, "So nice."  Listen ladies, its lotion.  There's gallons of it all over this store, and you can smooth it on till your hands are rubbed off...it's all the same.  Slick and smelly.  But, whatever.  Wonder who's ahead in the ASU game?  Who cares!  I'm in a store with a bunch of crazed women that are now pulling up their sleeves and smearing goo on their arms.  Wasn't bad enough to yuck-up their hands.  If I stick around long enough, I may really get a show.

Smells and smiles all around this emporium of odor.  Cucumber shampoo..Like I want to get a whiff of a lady's hair that has the distinct odor of last night's tossed salad.  I would want to dribble some oil & vinegar on her head and start to nibble.  "Egads," what's this world coming to?  Every veggie and fruit was represented inside the bottles.  One day you can smell like a pumpkin (good this time of year) and the next day a guava (who in their right mind?)

It's all in the bottle.  Tropical, exotic, sterile, and over the edge.  Women swarming everywhere snapping these fruits up like they were  in an orchard stealing apples off Farmer John's trees, and getting away with it.  If I would have known about this lotion phenom in high school, I would have washed in watermelon rind and waited for the attack.  Speaking of attack, anyone got the score of ASU V. Cal?  Not likely in this store.  They've got avocado & lilac swimming on their skin and absorbed in their nose.

I used to feel bad when women badgered their male counterparts about watching sports and nursing a brew.  Well, after my experience in the bath of smells store...I figured out who the sane ones are.  I'm going to open one of these stores for the male of our species.  It will be filled with lotions, but the smells will be a bit different.  Hops, barley, pig skin, and Havana.  Yep, a store full of men in a bath shop.  Now that will be a smell..er..I mean, a sight.

Sun Devils beat Cal!  Oh, I don't really care.  I'm ripe with the smell of banana, and you should see all the women who are going ape for me!  It's the lotion that causes the motion, don't leave home without!  Excuse me while I later up.

Enjoy the Ex-Press.