After a great deal of debate, and few closed door sessions, the Obama administration has agreed to make Federal funds available for the long overdue study of "Stupid." With millions of Americans suffering from this insidious disease, it was only a matter of time before it made it to the top of the list of diseases plaguing our society. Previous funding has been insufficient to arrest and cure this malady.
Both sides of the isle complained that $3.9 million dollar study would cripple some of the programs already underway throughout the country. The good senator from Florida complained that removing the turtle crossing signs was going to lead to the deaths of thousands of unsuspecting turtles crossing highway 27. He stated that it was obvious that the Republicans don't like turtles and they don't care if they get smashed on the highway.
After much research, it was discovered that the signs placed along highway 27 were actually incorrect anyway. The sign verbiage was written in a South American turtle dialect unknown to the Florida area turtles. The mistake had accidentally led to numerous disoriented turtles who took the highway access instead of the tunnel provided below the highway. EMTs have been overwhelmed with the constant calls from passing motorists who were witnessing the unintended carnage. Removing the signs will help their terribly under-staffed departments.
The other project that is being scrapped is the Shrimp on the Treadmill study. Though it's important to know how fast and how far a shrimp can run on a treadmill, the study inadvertently had a very negative side effect. Area fishermen had discovered that the shrimp were getting harder to catch due to their increased aerobic capacity and their increase in muscle density.
PETA weighed in on the debate stating that it is only reasonable that shrimp be given every advantage to out run the fisherman's nets since the nets are so big and the shrimp are so small. They promised to hold protests in front of Captain D's, Arthur Treachers and Red Lobster in all of the districts represented by the congressmen voting for the current withdraw of funding.
Though the debate has been fierce, the need is so great that the country can no longer ignore the spread of Stupid. Without the Federal funding, millions of Americans would continue suffering from this silent afflict-or. Stupid is one of those rare diseases that attacks people of all walks of life. It sees no difference between rich and poor, tall or short, fat or skinny, educated or uneducated or male or female.
Nancy Pelosi complained that the only reason this has come up now is because a handful of rich men on the right have shown signs of Stupid. The truth is, Stupid is a non-partisan illness. Both sides of the isle and all segments of society have seen increases in instances of this disease.
I applaud President Obama for his bold and compassionate stance on funding this program.