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"I Promise" :: Those Are Some Strong Words

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Services for Real Estate Pros with RealSatisfied

Reading Randy Prothero's post, Is There A Skunk In Your Office, which I was lead to by TLW's comment on The Interactive Business Meeting, I kept thinking about the way my wife and I are raising our children. This all starts at home.

I wish I could say the following was my idea, but it was my wife's idea.

strong wordsMy wife came to me when our second son was very young and said, "I don't like the idea of bad words. I think it makes it too easy for us not to take responsibility. Words aren't good or bad, it's how we use them and react to them that give them their power. Can we do something different with our children?" I obviously agreed with her assessment, words are just words. We assign them power.

In Our House There Are No Bad Words, Only Strong Words.

With that innocent conversation, the concept of "strong words" was born. There are lots of words on our strong word list, many of them would not even be considered "bad" words in other households. Words like "always" and  "never"  are on the strong words list. It's not that they can't say them, they just have to understand how to use them correctly. Words like "hate," "stupid," and "shut up" are on the list as well. Again, using them requires accuracy and you must be able to back up your use. They know that if we say "hate" in a sentence, it's strong, and we mean it. The same goes for "stupid" and many other strong words. Changing from "bad" to "strong" has helped us focus the discussions on intent and meaning and purpose. We have taken the power from the words and put it in our children's hands. It's been wonderful. In addition, the strong words conversations that we are able to initiate have changed the way we talk as adults, not only in our house, but in our daily lives as well. 

We recently added "I Promise" To The Strong Words List

In fact, "I promise" was given one of our harshest labels... it's on the "Turner's Don't Say That" list along with the word "can't." Why? Because we shouldn't have to say "I promise." If we say what we mean and mean what we say, it's at best redundant. They are not allowed to ask us if "we promise" and they are not allowed to say "I promise." Not in our house. Not in our earshot. The lesson is simple... if you say it, you mean it. Period. There is no need to "promise" something if you've said it. If we, as parents, say it, we don't need to promise. We mean it.

Strong Words & The Code Of Ethics

Randy's post this morning brought to mind a lot of recent posts on Understanding The Realtor Code of Ethics, and as I've read each one I am both happy that the code is there and sad that it must exist at all. I can only imagine that some of you feel the same way. Perhaps you're like me and are increasingly alarmed with the decline of solid manners, ethical standards and general morals in our youth. Well, they are learning them from us. 

I Have No Idea How Our Little Experiment Is Going To Turn Out

Our oldest is only 12 and our other five chilren range in age from 2 to 7, so it's way too early to tell how the "strong words" experiment is going to end. I know it has made my language clearer and more explicit. I was given a little glimpse this morning at the breakfast table, however. Our Three year old was joking with his Grandmother, who is out visiting from West Virginia. She playfully said, "Oh, shut up" to him. He then politely said to her, "Gramma, you know that's a strong word, right?"

My mom laughed and apologized. She knows the drill. I was giggling to myself as I watched the scene unfold. But I was also hopeful that my kids will grow up with a full understanding about how they use words, the importance of saying what you mean and meaning what you say, and a strong desire to see others live up to their own standards. I have hope that they won't need to read a code of ethics to follow them.

If you've got some techniques you use with your kids, I'd love to hear them. 

Comments (73)

Jessica Hughes
Ambiance Staging - Boulder, CO

Jeff, I love your style.  You can write a book about childrearing any day and I'll snatch it up in a heartbeat.  I'm sure Craig Schiller would help you with a cover. Seriously though I'm a big proponant of unconditional parenting and treating your children as equals who deserve respect.  I love the concept of strong words and now will be using it with my children.

We don't ever force 'please or thank you' and my daughter says them more than any other 2 year old I know.  She is more inclined to say them to me than to a complete stranger, but who wouldn't be?

Dec 29, 2006 10:04 AM
ARDELL DellaLoggia
Better Properties Seattle - Kirkland, WA

Jeff,

I read a fabulous book on ethics that pointed out that most times ethical situations involve right vs. right more than right vs. wrong.  The strongest category being "Truth vs. Loyalty".

Over the years it seems to me that sometimes loyalty to one another, or friendship with one another, can get in the way of representing a client well.  When a line must be drawn, it seems you have to lean toward your client more than your "fellow Realtor".  At present I am not a Realtor...just a disclosure...not an indictment :)

Jan 01, 2007 02:36 AM
Jeff Turner
RealSatisfied - Santa Clarita, CA
Ardell, I would agree that often our choices are between right and right. Rarely is there a choice that involves wrong and wrong. The Truth vs. Loyalty issue is an interesting one. We have protected a friend before with a lie, that's for sure. I'd be surprised if we all hadn't at some point in our lives. I'm not sure I fully understand the loyalty vs. truth issue relative to your scenario above. If you feel at liberty, can you expand?
Jan 02, 2007 03:49 PM
Maureen Francis
Coldwell Banker Weir Manuel - Bloomfield Hills, MI
Coldwell Banker Weir Manuel
Jeff, congratulations on having one of the most memorable posts of 2006!
Jan 03, 2007 10:55 AM
Margaret Rome Baltimore 410-530-2400
HomeRome Realty 410-530-2400 - Pikesville, MD
Sell Your Home With Margaret Rome

''I have the greatest admiration for you and your wife and how you are raising strong children. This is must reading for all!''   The above  was my comment on 12/26th and am so glad you were nominated by me. Everyone should read this and share it with others!

Congratulations Jeff, on having one of the best posts in Active Rain's  first year!

http://www.homerome.com/

Baltimore,Md

Jan 03, 2007 11:36 AM
"The Lovely Wife" The One And Only TLW.
President-Tutas Towne Realty, Inc. - Kissimmee, FL

Hey. Hey. Slammed it right out of the park. Here this is for you:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CONGRATULATIONS FROM BROKER BRYANT AND THE LOVELY WIFE. I AM SMILING VERY WIDE FOR YOU. ROAR! 

Jan 03, 2007 11:51 AM
Jeff Turner
RealSatisfied - Santa Clarita, CA

Margaret, I can't thank you enough for your nod. This one just flew out my fingers. I had not planned to write a post this day. Truly, it's an honor and I'm proud. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

TLW... for all of your support, thank you as well! 

Jan 03, 2007 02:41 PM
Maureen Francis
Coldwell Banker Weir Manuel - Bloomfield Hills, MI
Coldwell Banker Weir Manuel

I am back.  These were not ready earlier.


Jan 03, 2007 02:52 PM
Jeff Turner
RealSatisfied - Santa Clarita, CA
: ) Nice.
Jan 03, 2007 02:53 PM
"The Lovely Wife" The One And Only TLW.
President-Tutas Towne Realty, Inc. - Kissimmee, FL
Very Very Nice. :) TLW...ROAR!
Jan 04, 2007 12:19 AM
account deactivated
not listed - Concord, MA
We often distinguish between "being nice" and "being kind".  NICE implies you need to comply at all costs.  KIND means that you are genuinely compassionate and show understanding for another, even if they are not cooperating with you.  Another parent thanked me for this one, as she hesitated to tell her daughter to "be nice" for fear of her being "walked on" by others.
Jan 14, 2007 10:50 PM
Jeff Turner
RealSatisfied - Santa Clarita, CA
Lisa :: Very well said!
Jan 15, 2007 02:40 AM
Michelle DeRepentigny
Success Realty - Athens, GA
Broker Athens, GA
This is now on my all time favorite list of post....one of the "strong words" in my house AND my office is "stupid" as well.  My kids (who are now 23 & 19) know that I feel very stongly about the casual use of that word.  Good luck with your experiment, it wasn't as well defined in my household, but the theory was there!
May 08, 2007 04:03 PM
Jeff Turner
RealSatisfied - Santa Clarita, CA

Michelle... thank you. It's been a while since I read this post. I was reminded of it by a comment Sarah Cooper made on my post today, so I wandered over here and realized I missed a few comments. :) The experiment seems to be working, but it's still too early to tell!

May 29, 2008 06:23 AM
Margaret Woda
Long & Foster Real Estate, Inc. - Crofton, MD
Maryland Real Estate & Military Relocation

Very interesting, Jeff, and LOTS of merit.  As I was reading through this, I was thinking of forwarding it to my sons, both of whom are parents to see if it's something they might want to adapt.  Thanks for sharing this concept!

May 29, 2008 10:54 PM
Jeff Turner
RealSatisfied - Santa Clarita, CA

Margaret... what I like best about our approach is that it initiates very interesting conversations around word meaning and useage. And it gives them permission to talk about words they hear thrown around at school. Regardless of how it turns out, the process is way more enjoyable for me personally. :)

May 30, 2008 02:19 AM
Michael "Mike" Miller
EXIT REALTY SERVICES - Moon Township, PA
My service will move you! Help me, help you!

Jeff,  Superbly written post with meaningful content.  Thanks for sharing.  Mike

Aug 13, 2008 04:20 AM
Maya Thomas, Broker
Tampa, FL
Please see my client recommendations.

WOW!  You have a LOT of kids!

My mom had the strong word list too.  In addition our strong words included limiting words that would make someone think they couldn't do something.  We were supposed to set an example and not put ourselves down (I'm so stupid! How could I do ithat!)  In addition, instead of screaming, "NO!" We traded items.  We used encouraging language to instill belief and confidence.  My little brother never went through the terrible 2's.  He was a lovely child and grew up to be an even better man.

When he was 7 he went to stay with my aunt because my mom was very sick.  The neighbors little girl had cancer and he would go and sit with her and keep her company and help her with anything she needed.  My aunt was in an accident when he was there and she told me about how comforting he was to her even when she was crabby from the pain and how he offered to get thing for her and help her.  He's a kind person and I think the words we used helped to create the person he is.

Mar 19, 2009 09:38 AM
Margaret Rome Baltimore 410-530-2400
HomeRome Realty 410-530-2400 - Pikesville, MD
Sell Your Home With Margaret Rome

I commented on this post over 3 years ago. Just as timely today as back in 2006. Would like to revive this one for the newer members.

Margaret

May 14, 2010 09:10 AM
Randy L. Prothero
eXp Realty - Hollister, MO
Missouri REALTOR, (808) 384-5645

The phrase I hate is: Let me be honest.

What have you been up until now?

Aug 11, 2010 10:34 AM