Andrew,  So true and great advice.  I actually tell buyers not to discuss anything about the house until we are outside our of earshot even if it appears that no one is home.  I've heard the stories of homes being taped, bugged, whatever. 

Andrew, great advice. Selling a home is such an emotional experience, I'm surprised more contracts don't fall apart. This is one of the great values of a good Realtor.

Andrew - Perfect analogy. Homes are so much more than brick and mortar. There's a lifetime of memories in many of them.

Absolutely!  You can push that wrong button all day long and nothing will happen, because it's not hooked up.  Or, worse, it's hooked up to give the seller an electric shock every time you push it!   (Even monkeys learn this one pretty quick.)  

You're talking about one of the values that a Realtor brings to the buyer - experienced button pushing!

Marc, bugging and taping and recording oh my. That never entered my mind that a seller would bug their own home but you know that makes perfect sense. I had a seller leave a contract out in plain view and I'm positive the second buyer flipped through it.

Peter, Yup it's not always about the money. You don't hear it much but you still hear it.

Tom, Ditto. Doesn't everybody have a wall in their house that they measured the kids' heights over the years and scratched down the dates? No one wants to hear that wall is coming down.

Tricia, is that keeps happening to me and I do so love eating bananas lately. I'm prone to succombing to the obvious. I think it's human nature.

Andrew - great point made! that is oh so correct and I am sure anyone in the business a couple of years has been there!!!!

Great post.. It's funny most advice you read, at least where I am begs for making everything as sterile and impersonal, save for that smell of baked bread or whatever... Most homes where I am are under 20 years old and even most of those have been flipped a few times: how much more impersonal can you get. But I guess in a more or less 'normal' place, there are those measuring the kids marks, nails poking out of the second florr room that kids stepped on, one step on that staircase that always woke you up when your teenager tried to sneak out, and I can't imagine wanting to hear about 'how all this can be made better' if it were my home that was being sold...

There are different buttons for different people, that's a fact.  One man's soup is another man's sandwich....so to speak.  Is the vodka on you Lenza?

Andrew, I think hearing about knocking down walls would make some sellers cringe.  I never thought of it this way but they are on different pages and have different buttons.  Fine line you're walking there!

So the real question is how do you know what language to speak when negotiating.  I would think that the counter (if there is one) would provide clues, but you still don't always know.  Good suggestions for your buyers, though, and yet another reason I tell my sellers to leave when their house is being shown...no risk of the buyers offending them and killing a possible deal.

Inna, We have older homes up here, as well as new construction. Another strategy that works an occasion of the time is the buyer(s) writing the sellers a heartfelt plea. The letter is usually included with the contract, believe it or not!

Sardisnista, I am a Tennessee whiskey man smoked out the barrell, a plate of sweet ribs sucked to the marrow! :)

Carole, Tales of buyers bringing their contractors. Easy there Frank Lloyd Wright this is STILL someone else's home!

Lisa, you ask the listing agent or if you're lucky you meet the sellers and listen to their tale. I know many listing agents let their sellers show their own homes. Not the way I would go, like you wrote. But if I'm representing the buyer (READ EXCLUSIVE BUYER AGENCY) it's my job to gleam as much information that will aid them in a negotiation.

Andrew, thanks for referencing my post. I wish they had countered ours and then we would have known how to proceed. No counter came, just they took the other offer. You are so right, about knowing the mindset of the other person. Wish we had had a chance.  

Missy, that is the absolute worse scenario. Then we have to relate to our clients that we didn't even get a response. And that sleight-of-hand, vestige of back room politicking, IMHO, puts our industry in the worst light, the most damaging light to the consumer.

Where's the transparency? What do you mean my offer was never considered? We're used to this tactic as #14 on the Sucky Things in Real Estate, but our clients want -- and expect -- better.

P.S. You wrote a great post. It really made me stop and think. I'm just along for the ride.

Very succinctly put. A favorite maxim of mine from a sixteenth century Jesuit priest, Baltasar Gracian:

"Find each person's 'handle', his weak point.... First size up someone's character and then touch on his weak point. Tempt him with his particular pleasure, and you'll checkmate his will."

As you say, it's a terrible waste to offer more of something when they can't understand the currency you present. Not everyone speaks French ;-)

[I'm all about that vodka!] 

Andrew - Negotiations - the trick I have found is to just listen closely and to ask the appropriate questions. And most of all keep a poker face. I find that if you remain calm it is easier to advise.

Jennifer, Wow. Now you're quoting Jesuits. I attended two Jesuit colleges, Saint Peter's and Fordham. When they weren't skewering people they were writing. P.S. Keep the vodka. Pass the Jack Daniels.

Rebecca, Well put! Ask a salient question. Pause. Hold the pause. Make the pause uncomfortable. Cast your net. Wait for information to come spouting forth. I hear ya' uh huh ya' got it oh yeah!

Andrew- the art of negotiating is won by listening. That's why we have two ears and one mouth. Great post. This is something that we need to be reminded of occasionally.

You mean to tell me that the Spanish Armada Technique can result in the Spanish Inquisition?  Or at least an extreme case of Montezuma's revenge?  It's been said that you don't bring a knife to a gun fight, but you don't bring a bazooka to a rock-paper-scissor throwdown either.  Trust me on that one.  The ban will be lifted for me to return to sanctioned competition in another 4 and a half years.  How was I to know that we weren't playing international rules?

Andrew, you are so right about it not always being price.  I myself have had seller's that decided on an offer that was priced a little below the other offer but the offer they accepted had a pre-approved buyer rather than a pre-qualified buyer. 

Sometimes we are talking apples and they are talking oranges.  It is so important to be on the same page also(or same fruit as the case may be).

But, but, but, I was so in the mood for that Bloody Mary!  :(

My customers decided to bring Uncle Annoying out to see a home they were interested in.  The sellers were home.  Uncle Annoying proceeded to point out each and every highlight and drawback of the home until I had to whisper to him to can the commentary (of course, not put that way) while the homeowners were in earshot.

True, it is so not wise to discuss your future plans for the house in question.  The only point that is relevant to the transaction is that the buyer is qualified for the purchase and can perform!  Basta!

I think we all need to take a step back and make sure we are moving in the correct direction.  Good insight!

Andrew, good listening skills should always kick in. If we aren't listening we are loosing.

Slayer, Marquis of Queensbury rules, chap. You show me yours and I'll ... (I don't have the foggiest clue what your comment was, just paying you back in spades, mate).

Marchel, Cool. I agree. In New Jersey we are a dual disclosed agency state. The listing agent may be aiming to double end the deal. The information flow turns glacier-like.

Antoinette, every county has an Uncle Annoying and an Aunt Blabber, matching set. Please don't kick the listing in front of the sellers verbally. Let your written offer, my comp's and crafted cover letter tell the story. Right on.

Rey, left, right, left, right, left, right -- Where's Gomer Pyle? We lost him.

Rob, I'm sorry, you were saying? I was playing with my Blackberry ;)

Mark, I'm with you on the listening part, active listening. Quieting your own thoughts. Not thinking of your return volley. Clearing the mindspace and attending to verbal and non-verbal clues and queues.

Andrew, I read a series of books called Home in Harmony. I can't remember the author but he is a Quaker pastor. anyway, one of his stories is about him and his wife really needing to purchase a home for their children but on his Quaker salary he can't afford one. There's an old couple in town who have been trying to sell their house but they keep refusing to sell to buyers because the buyers keep talking about redoing the house. The elderly folks have lived there for decades.

Well it turns out the elderly folks had a young son who had died from illness. Behind the drapes in the living room there were marks on the wall where they used to measure their children's height once a year. They wanted to sell to someone who would promise to not remove these marks and would also allow the old man to come over on Sunday mornings so he could sit on the porch and read his newspaper.

The Pastor agreed and ended up getting a great deal on the house. The elderly folks didn't care about money....they cared about their memories. 

It is certainly not always about the price!!

A good listener hears what isn't spoken. That's the real way to succeed in a negotiation. Nice way of pointing that out. Negotiating is an art form that it seems many agents haven't taken the time to learn.

Andrew, another great read from you, but that is what I have come to expect. We all need to improve our listening skills. Maybe when we do, we can start to turn this market around for the better.

Bryant, I should pick up that book. Up here in the jaded Metro area I have to convince people it's not 100% the money. When it happens they turn convert. Thanks for the energetic comment.

Christina, I'm with you. I love the counter agent that believes I said something, "Don't you remember I said so and so and you agreed."

No, I did not agree. I did not answer. There is a significant difference. You assumed my silence for an affirmation. Ask me a direct question. We're on opposing sides. I do my work. You do yours.

Dan-the-man, Just kicking back on a lazey Friday. Playing Mom the taxi cab driver with the kids. I think we can start turning this market around if we slow down and start projecting the human -- and humane -- side of our business. It's not all close, close, close like AR is not all points, points, points ... right?

LOL.  My censor checked out early for the weekend, Andrew.  I'm afraid it's going to be utter nonsense from this end until Monday at 8.  It all makes sense in my head ;)

Andrew,

It's interesting that you put this out. Carlton Sheets (you know the guy if you've ever watched TV at 3am) actually stresses this point as the most important in his program. You really have to know what the other party is looking for and what their motivation is to be successful.

Great post. Thanks!

Tom, The savvy listing agents will act as a buffer between their sellers and other agents and buyers. What I strive to do on every listing. Loose lips sink seller's ships. Yet when I represent the buyer it's fair game.

Slay, Nope. Still clueless. Is this thing on?

Andrew, I caught his act a few times on cable. Truth be told, my mommy went let me stay up past 11 o'clock on a school night. Thanks for the comment, mate. Sorry I missed you guys in Philly.

Andrew, Never would have thought of the taping part either, but I know someone that got nailed because the owners were taping what people said and did while they were in the house.

Marc, that's just chilling. I try hard to strictly monitor what comes out of my mouth. Maybe it's the ever present visage of a nun slapping me upside my head.

Hi Andrew,
We  must be psychotic psychic to survive in this business. 

Cynthia, I think you had it right with psychotic! I can't get Jason Sardi's image of a cockaroach emerging the rubble of a nuclear fallout out of my mind!

Andrew, this brings to mind a commercial transaction.  There was a shopping center in demand, but not for sale.  The owner?  Well heeled and elderly.  No matter what was offered, he turned it down; he did not need the money for inheritance and would not live long enough to spend it himself.

What offer finally turned his head?  A very low offer, much less than all others.  What was his hot button?  The Center would carry his name FOREVER; something money can't buy.

Gail Gladstone, Long Island Realtor