The glamorous life of a REALTOR®. On come on. You know our lives are glamorous. Let's face it. All we real estate agents do is drive around in our SUVs with our magnetic riders on the sides, or in my case, my stenciled name, cell phone number, brokerage and web site across the back window, and show people houses, then show up for closing. We can't possibly do anything else, right? If we had to actually work, there would be no reason for so many people to resent our choice of career, right?

WRONG! I decided we needed a bit of tongue-in-cheek humor today.

I was just reading a post by Chris Elizabeth Griffith about how she was helping to push a car out of the driveway for one of her real estate sellers, among all the other things she'd be doing between now and the closing. I left a silly comment on her post, about us needing clones. And then my mind continued with that line of thinking. How perfect! We all need clones! Who needs an assistant when you can have your own personal clone?

• Let's relax for a few moments and enter a little dream land where we all have clones, shall we? ... Are you there yet? I'll wait while you load a New Age MP3. OK. All set? 

So here's my list of things my real estate clone will do for me (since as the public thinks, I don't really work for my commission anyway) 

The next time I get a call from Code Enforcement because one of my sellers needs to cut their grass, I'll just send my clone over there to knock on their door and tell them. Yes, the seller lives there and the Code Enforcement employee could have told the seller in person, but since it's so much easier to just call the phone number that's on the sign in the front yard, why should they be bothered to do their own job? The REALTOR® doesn't really work anyway. So next time I'll send my clone!

The next time I'm standing in the sweltering heat, working the booth for FREE, at Port Orange Family Days and a random person walks up and starts yelling at me because it's the fault of all the REALTORS, that she can't afford to buy a house, I'll step back and let my clone smile and nod politely, instead of trying to get a word in edgewise. (Obviously, we control the housing prices.)

And I'm definitely sending my clone to show houses to all the people who just wanted a tour guide and had no intentions of buying anyway.

Oh! Here's the perfect job for my clone. The house in Ormond by the Sea where the seller decided to install an extra bathroom without pulling permits or checking the codes... The raw sewage was running through a hose, right out into the back yard: That house was so dirty, I was afraid to touch anything. Definitely a job for the clone!

For all the buyers who don't like air conditioning in the car when it's 98 degrees outside, in the future, my clone will be assisting you.

In the summer in Florida, we can plan on daily torrential down-pours around 3:00 or 4:00 in the afternoon, almost like clock-work. I keep about 5 umbrellas in my car for these occasions. But in the future, I'll just let my clone handle all showings during these times. 

On Jim Crawford's post today, as I was reading his detailed description of the houses on the market that were a waste of time for himself and his buyers ... I have one word for you, Jim. CLONE!

For the seller who has not paid his/her Association Fees and thinks that by hiring an attorney, he/she can get away with providing a clear title and never have to pay those fees... CLONE!

For the time I unexpectedly brought my buyers to a filthy 1000 square foot house where the man kept his huge Great Dane INSIDE the house, where it had destroyed all flooring, doors, door jambs and more, my clone will be showing this one next time calling to cancel that showing next time.

For the cat lady house, (we've all had at least one of these) yep, that's one for the clone.

For the houses in the section of town that was so scary that I had to take my husband with me, and then even he wouldn't get out of the car!... CLONE! 

When my seller has decided it's my fault that the home inspector discovered that no permits were pulled for the major renovations they did to their house, and they're now responsible to pay, my clone will be handling the call.

When my buyers have lied about their income and credit rating both in the U.S. and in another country, and are shocked when their lender finds out, my clone will be taking those calls.

When my seller decides that since nobody is living behind them, they can install their fence several feet beyond the boundaries of their property. Then they get a contract which of course calls for a survey and... you guessed it. The surveyor discloses this to the title company, thus killing their sale or forcing them to move the fence, my clone will be taking that call.

For the For Sale By Owners who call me and offer me a pittance to sell their house when I have MLS inventory coming out my ears ... Talk to the Clone!

And for all the people who are just never going to tell the truth at any point in the transaction, don't even call. My clone can't even be bothered!

Now you may be wondering what I'll be doing. Well, I will be working with my wonderful sellers who have actually trusted my professional opinion as to the value of their property and priced it accordingly, and have now received an offer to purchase.

• I will be presenting their offers,
  
• sending all the documents to the title company,
  
• working with the selling agent, or if it's my buyer I'll be personally
  
• scheduling the home inspection,
  
• termite inspection,
  
• survey,
  
• appraisal
  
• and any other necessary appointments or inspections.
  
• I'll also be making sure the buyer has gotten their home owner's insurance well in advance of closing, (we wouldn't want a storm to travel inside the box!)
  
• is getting all the required documentation to their lender,
  
• and fulfilled all of their contingencies within the time constraints of the contract.
  
• I'll also be communicating with the buyer's lender or mortgage broker to make sure everything is running smoothly on their end so we have no last minute surprises.
  
• Then I'll be scrutinizing the HUD-1 closing statement and
  
• discussing every line with my clients to
  
• make sure there are no discrepancies in the pro-rated taxes,
  
• home warranty payment,
  
• mortgage payoffs, etc.... 

POP!!!!  My bubble just burst. My new age MP3 just finished playing and I'm back to reality.

But wouldn't it be nice if we could just do our jobs in a perfect world? Or even better, being a REALTOR could be about working with trustworthy clients and selling houses to and for people who actually appreciate all the hard work we do.

I guess now I'll go back to updating my web site with the changes to my listings, writing my next print ad, finish posting this blog to several different platforms, and tweaking my web site key words so buyers can find my listings on the internet. Maybe I'll finish by midnight, assuming I don't get anymore calls from buyers or renters to view any of my listings. Oh! And I have a mailing that needs to be finished this week. Oops. It's time to pay my annual $2000 in dues to 2 different REALTOR Associations. (I'd definitely like to take that money out of my clone's pay!)

Soon I'll be studying again for my next round of continuing education credits. Then it will be time for my annual updating of my contact manager.

Oops, my husband needs clean clothes for work, I have ironing to do, and my daughter needs my attention. Oh darn it! I forgot I have a dentist appointment tomorrow! And *sniff*, what's that smell? I think I'd better go scoop the cat litter box.

My life is so glamorous!