At this time, I would like to mention another of my favorite safety warnings.  This was the original suggestion by one Mr. Paul Slaybaugh.  So, by request, I shall warn you of his deepest fear at Christmas.  In my own feeble way, I am going to have to offer some council on what precautions to take in order to avoid Paul's fate!  But first, I must explain the history...so bear with me, please...

Not too long ago, Mr. Slaybaugh had a bad encounter with one of Santa's reindeer.  You may have heard of Blitzen before.  Most of us have.  Not many of us, however, would recognize him specifically were we to see him.  Paul, sadly, can.  You see...he was knocked down rather brazenly by the alleged reindeer and his accomplice, Comet.  It is to this end that our friend has become a bit unstable.  As we speak, he is planning attacks on Santa and his Reindeer.  To that end, Paul has suffered death threats from the elves.  You know, times being slow and all, they need to keep their jobs.  And if Santa goes out of business over Paul's revenge of the reindeer...those elves will be on unemployment!  From the sounds of the letters that Paul has been receiving...at all hours of the night, he has determined them to be drunk and raving mad lunatics.  He even goes so far as to call them knee biters!  Well, the truth be told, there may be some truth to Paul's fears.

I saw a child crying leaving Santa's lap the other day.  A phenomenon rare to be sure.  How can a jolly old man make a child cry after all?  When I spoke with the boy's mother, she said that Santa had whispered to the young boy that he would not be getting a Thomas the Train.  Oddly enough...that is the exact gift that Paul has demanded for his son.  I, not normally being a conspiracy theorist, have done a bit of digging, and here is what I have come up with.

1. Santa has become a "myth" making it nearly impossible for all of the elves at the North Pole to be employed year around.  With less demand for toys, they work in shifts, drinking away the remaining six months of the year.  Eggnog, to be sure, is something to have in small doses rather than gallon jugs.  And remember, they are pint sized...so a little goes a long way!
2. Due to the fear of failure that the elves are feeling, I did find a few obscure reports that they have been biting the knees of those who do not believe.  Many people initially thought them to be spider bites, but further evidence has proven the DNA belongs to North Pole elves.
3. Finally, they are mad at all who do not believe.  Therefore, they try to prove themselves real rather than fiction or myth.  As such, there was one elf who was willing to speak on condition of anonymity.  He confessed to the fact of sending Paul (and others) vicious hate mail and death threats.  He passes along his apologies if you have been, "among the many victims".

In light of my reearch, I feel that I owe it to Paul to give a few warnings about these elves.  I do not profess to expertise here.  Rather, I can only give my thoughts on how to calm their terrified little minds, therefore bringing peace back to their region and ours.  Here goes...

• Believe!  Believe in Santa and in the fact that he is a giving saint.  He is alive and well with the Spirit of Christmas.
• Be kind to those little elves.  They have had a hard road the past ten years or so.  They are like scared children unsure of what their future hold.
• Wear shin guards and knee protectors.  You can find them at any sporting goods store.  Nike is our preferred brand.  They really work well.
• Pay attention to your surroundings!  If you are at a shopping facility, the elf ratio is much higher.  They are trying to minimize the shopping year round, so that there is more job opportunity for them!

I hope that you found these tips helpful, and please leave your encouragement for Paul here.  It really is a tough time for he and his family.  The one year anniversary of the "accident" is upon us.  He needs us now.

I will be watching, reading, and writing...while smiling and wishing you a Merry Christmas!