8 New Ways To Kick An Old Dog (habit...I meant habit)

First off, I'm a dog lover and would never kick a real one unless it was chewing off a limb. The metaphoric hound I speak of though, is Starbucks---the coffee people. I've mentioned them before and often.  They've clearly got me... and as my 'mug shot' (an Ardell DellaLoggia-ism) in the sidebar clearly shows, it is one of the few remaining vices I'm not ready to let go of. Keep this in mind for a moment as I'm actually writing this article in response to a comment I received on another Blog I post on.

I was making mention of the fact that it seems that every available residential corner ripe for development on the North Side of Chicago either has, or is slated to have, a Starbucks on the sidewalk level. For those of you not in the 'know,' the neighborhood of Lincoln Park I live and work in is a densely populated section of the city, jammed shoulder to shoulder (this is the City with Big Shoulders, by the way) with new construction projects--retail below and condos and lofts above. This is unique to the busier main street annexes of each neighborhood with single family homes and four level townhouses generally situated on the quieter side streets--luxury single family homes. The land they're perched on sells for a half Million minimum these days and that's even with a relative down tick in new construction housing starts. Let's just call it upscale for Real Estate purposes. 

Anyway, the commentor posed the question, ...is it a "prerequisite to have a Starbucks on every available corner" these days in Chicago?  The writer was from Knoxville where I'm pretty sure whiskey is the beverage of choice (not to imply he isn't a God fearing gentleman or didn't take the 'pledge' as a youth) so I decided to do a little snooping around using the patented Starbucks Locator before I responded.  This is what I found:

• There are 112 Starbucks within 5 miles of my home, that's 40 blocks in city terms. I'm not even sure what a mile exactly is these days but my last car didn't even get 80 blocks to the gallon if that means anything.
  
  
• Knoxville has a total of 5 Starbucks--one is on campus and another is apparently in the Hilton.
  
  
• All of China has 165 as of this writing but many, many, many more are expected, I hear.

So if the presence of a Starbucks is indeed an indicator, the question really should be "Is Chicago more like Knoxville or Mainland China as far as Development goes?"  I don't know. I sort of like Chinese Food and although I've never actually eaten Knoxville Food I have made mention in a previous post about my in-laws from Tennessee and how I'm not a big fan of any dish that has the word casserole in its title.

I also discovered that the annual income of the average Chinese citizen is around $3,800 so it goes without saying that most stores there do not have condomiums above them. There might not even be condominiums there, period. And at that amount of income, the stores they do have may very well not even serve coffee. Lest I digress much more, I will share with you my initial response to the comment(or) and how I came up with 7 more since the original posting. All of these should prove reason enough for me to kick the habit but with a Grande Costa Rican Blend in the cup next to me I write:

1. The new requirement, I propose, is that there must be a new Starbucks inside any existing Starbucks-thus creating a Starbucks 'squared' as it were--a Starbucks to the 2nd Power for all you budding String Theorists.
   
   
2. No more than three Starbucks on any 4 corner intersection. The sole remaining corner must be reserved as a stroller parking area for the toddling Starbuckonians of the future.
   
   
3. A FICO score of at least 620 is required for pre-approval of any Starbucks Coffee Card.(except of course, in China)
   
   
4. No predatory lending allowed for any single beverage (coffee not whiskey) costing more than $7.00, not including tip and tax.
   
   
5. The open bottom rack below the glassed-in scone and pastry display of every Starbucks store must be checked three times daily for the E-Coli virus or at the very least Mumps, as all those juice bottles and food items are constantly being handled, touched and licked by the owner/occupants of previously mentioned strollers and perambulators parked on corner 4.
   
   
6. At least one Starbucks Manager per 8 hour shift must not be a Vegan.
   
   
7. A printed psychological Disclosure, clearly written and posted in a prominent place by the register, is to explain why I should leave a tip for a beverage I had to use an American Express Gold Card to buy and exactly why it is that I feel guilty if I don't. This Disclosure should also direct any interested party to one of the various 'Self-Help' groups already situated in the sofa area of the store at any given time of day.
   
   
8. Any neighborhood Starbucks location may not be used as a valid business address for IRS purposes no matter how many hours a day an individual works on a laptop there.
   
   

You see, it's a demographic thing. And its really not about Starbucks per se but its customers--myself included. This is who we build for and who I sell to and represent. They are of child bearing age for the most part and although it wasn't the way I was raised, the trend today is to include all family members no matter how young, in day to day events. (They didn't tell us nothin' when I was growing up.) My Broker calls it the 'Suburbanization of Chicago.' Anyway, my kid will be 29 on her next birthday so why do I even care...

And if I have to get in my car and drive to get a cup of coffee then I don't want to live there, either.  If I need to steal a WiFi signal in the middle of my day then I have 112 choices in the 40 block area that I work in. And what the heck, I use American Express for just about every other thing I buy anyway. And to quote Steve Martin in My Blue Heaven, "...Hey, I'm Italian. I tip everybody." So the answer to the comment is YES...in this writer's opinion it is a prerequisite to have a Starbucks in, or at least close to, any new development. I just won't eat anything off that bottom shelf.

image by cgi.ebay

posted by Geno Petro