On our December 21 Show, we had Special Guests, Dr. Robert Masters and his wife, Recording Artist, Diane Bardwell

Question: What is possible in relationship when couples are relating through the divine essence of the masculine and feminine polarity?

The show was a spirited and engaging conversation. I recommend listening to the rebroadcast. Here are some highlights:

Robin: The Focus of the Authentic Femininity Show is women being fully in their feminine and fully in their power. Diane, describe what that might mean to you?

Diane: I am a woman who is coming into my power. I had been an accommodator and a pleaser for so many years. Robert really challenged me to express my anger and my feelings. I think women many times lose their voice, speaking up for what they want, saying NO.

Robin: I’ve perceived, since the 2^nd wave of feminism, there’s defensiveness among women, often practicing the co-independence model of relationship. It shows up in women resisting their femininity. They are afraid if they allow that to flow, they would be weakening themselves.

Robert: Fear of losing autonomy. You have to go through the co-independence stage on the way to mature monogamy.

Diane: We come across a lot of women who are strong, intelligent, accomplished. Struggling, wanting to meet a grown up man who won’t be threatened by their power. I don’t have to hold back. I am actually expressing myself more than I have in my whole life.

Robert: Men who run from women when they show their whole self-- It just helps separate the ones who are appropriate for you from the ones who aren’t all the faster. Only men who actually have a healthy relationship with their ego will not be threatened by that. The men identified with ego-ity, will feel threatened and try to put you in your place, if they can’t do that, then it’s goodbye. A woman who has that power, in touch with that power again, needs a man who is equally access to his power. I enjoy Diane’s fire and power. And she enjoys mine.

Robin: There is a big misunderstanding. Power = Masculinity. Wildness, fire, I look at those as expression of power through authentic feminine energy. A piece of couples getting access to mature monogamy is women getting access to the true source of their feminine power.

Robert: Women have to understand that an increase in their femininity does not mean a decrease in their power. Diane: Women should not be afraid of that nurturing quality, it’s not weak at all.

Robin: A misunderstanding of the masculine is that it is hard and unfeeling. My perception of the authentic masculine is that is very protective, compassionate and caring.

Robert: The roles aren’t cut and dried.

Robin: What comes to mind is the image of the Yin Yang. A little dot of black in the white side and a little dot of black on the white side. That is where true balance is.

What does it take to be available for a conscious, mature relationship?

Robert: Not seeing each other as potential. What was needed was already present. Not trying to create that link, just to affirm it. Keep present, staying in touch, being honest about our slippages. I think we both were in training for this. We’ve had a lot of experience, had to mature into it.

Diane: Each needs to do individual work on becoming more whole.

Robert: Neither of us was desperate to have the relationship. One has to already have the sense of being okay with oneself. Expecting a partner to do that for us is a recipe for disaster.

How can a younger couple have access to this kind of relationship?

Robert: There’s stage to it. There’s a lot of growth, a continuum that goes from immature to mature. I’ve worked with lots of people in their 20s who are remarkably open to getting it. If you get going early, I know it’s possible to reach a level of mature relationship in your 30s.

What role does early conditioning play in limiting our access to true intimacy?

Robert: When you are younger, if you don’t feel loved in certain ways, you become attached to what provides love in secondary ways. As a kid, it’s a way of surviving. As an adult, if those issues haven’t been worked on, we tend to attract partners that reflect that, and it is our conditioning that is choosing. It is an agitation that is eroticized.

Diane: Childhood survival techniques don’t serve us anymore as adults. We need to wake up and find out.

Robin: A couple committed to cultivating mature monogamy. Those things are going to show up.

Robert: Many people will not work on those things until it’s really in their face. Both people have to know their patterns and conditioning and they have to know their partners’ patterns and conditioning very well as well.

Robin: A lot of things that surface can be very deep in the subconscious programming. Not even aware it’s sitting there.

Robert: In relationship, it is forced to the surface.

How is mature monogamy different from co-dependence and other patterns?

Robin: Co-dependent, meaning “I won’t call you on your stuff if you don’t call me on mine.”

Robert: Then there is co-independence, both overly attached to independence, Mature couples have autonomy that is not at the expense of their intimacy. This is only achieved when they have outgrown both co-dependence and co-independence. If a person has left a relationship without dealing with the issues, pattern will repeat over and over again until we wake up to the conditioning.  

Robin: Like leaving one relationship, and switching to something “better”

Robert: Both people have to wake up to what is going on and relate to what is going on inside them, not to relate from the conditioning.

Diane: You deepen your connection every time you go through that.

How do we get past old hurts that surface in relationship?

Robin: Reminds me of one of your songs, Diane, Take Me to the Bottom of your Pain. One challenge I perceive, if you truly are opening your heart to someone, likely one of the first things that will show up is the pain, opens that door to where you have closed off to those past hurts.

Robert: There is no way around that. And there shouldn’t be a way around it. It invites us into a deeper vulnerability. When you expose yourself that deeply to another human being who could betray you, who could leave you, who could die on you, that’s the time to take the jump to say “I am getting rid of any Plan B notions in my mind, because I would rather go really deep and get really hurt than not go quite as deep and not get hurt as much.” The rewards are so immense and so beautiful if you are willing to go really, really deep.

Robin: For couple inexperienced in this, the perception could easily be, now I’ve opened my heart to this person, now I am experiencing all this pain. Wouldn’t it be easy for a couple to perceive that there is something wrong, something must have gone terribly wrong in the relationship, or how could I be in this much pain?

Diane: Or that it’s the other person causing the pain.

Robin: How do you support people in addressing that?

Robert: We do smaller groups. The work is individually tailored--mostly based on their history and their relationships. Have to be very creative in that. There will be pain, sometimes intense pain. That suffering can also break the heart open. A broken heart is also a raw heart. A raw heart opens us to the divine. A fully broken heart can lead us to a profound spiritual death. Because there is no guard around us, a raw heart can not only touch the other person, it can touch the divine. The spirituality emerges very naturally.

Tune in this Friday at 10 AM for the Authentic Femininity Show, when we will have Special Guest Diane Randall. Diane is a wellness expert and self-care coach.

Our Topic: Women Overwhelmed. Since the peak of the second wave of feminism, women have taken on the burden of generating at least half of family income while maintaining their responsibilities as primary caregivers and housewives.

Our Question: How can women find relief from being overburdened? What becomes available when women embrace Authentic Femininity to find new solutions?

To Your Success,

Robin Hoffman & Coach Steve