AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment;
I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants
when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.
The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing
the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy
that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour of
duty as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan ..
She had just bought me that Kimber Custom
Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we
had picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating
weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to
wherever you'd come from with crap in your
pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking
bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes,
cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you
had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire
episode of what you'd done. Then I wentand
filled up my gas tank as well as those of four
other people in the gas station, -- on your
credit card. The guy with the big motor home
took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside
Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in
your wallet. [That made his day!]I then threw
your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone
calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while
mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice
long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.
I wish you well as you try to sort through some of
these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only
hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon,
and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've
chosen to pursue in life..
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Semper Fi,
Alex
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