Haven’t Been Liked, Friended, Tweeted, Reblogged, Endorsed, Recommended, Reviewed, Plussed, Featured or Pinned?!

Here’s what to do!

It’s tough in the social media world, keeping up with protocol and unwritten rules we’re supposed to follow. Plus doing things to gain recognition on major social media sites, including AR, which will translate into business.

Here are some suggestions for social engagement to ensure YOU get the recognition you crave. I warn you it’s long, so feel free to complain, but if you don’t read it all you definitely will fail.

You are worthy - your therapist keeps telling you that for $150/hour. So make sure you have as many recommendations, endorsements and reviews as you can. How? It’s easy. Send out as many requests as possible…by the hundreds. Don’t worry about who you are asking to endorse you, or if they are aware of your puny existence. Ask and you will receive, because they will feel guilty if they don’t endorse or recommend you, and that will cost them $150/hour. Don’t give in; if they don’t respond, ask again. They will get constant email reminders that they haven’t responded to your request which will cause them to immediately call their therapists for an emergency visit.

Having your posts featured on AR is critical so consumers and real estate professionals will know about your professionalism, your knowledge, and your ability to whine. Not getting featured? Simply write about how to not get featured, or how to get featured, or why it’s important to get featured, or complain about everyone who is getting featured and how unfair AR is because you know certain people are always getting featured, and lo and behold you will get featured. Surprise people by including a truly featureable post occasionally, but time is precious so don’t waste too much effort on that. You get the same number of points either way.

Pinterest is the newest social media darling and growing exponentially. If you aren’t there, pinning everything you possibly can, without regard to value to anyone in the real world or possible copy right violations, you are sure to fail and your therapist can buy that new Mercedes and waterfront home in the Hamptons.  And everyone will know because you don’t have a Pinterest profile which shows you really aren’t with it. So set up your profile now and start adding photos and videos with reckless abandon. Be sure to have at least 100 boards and 1000 pins per board; topics like “things I shouldn’t have eaten for breakfast because my dog wouldn’t,” “home decorating without spending a penny,” and “how to have the most expensive wedding in the world to make everyone green with envy” are sure to attract pinners and they will then repin you, which is the only goal that matters.

If you haven’t been plussed yet, and don’t care, you’re fine since you are right there with the rest of your friends. No one really knows how Google+ works – it’s just another way for Google to make a gazillion dollars at our expense and make people feel guilty because they don’t get it, but despite that feel the need to be there because their businesses will surely fail if they aren’t, and there are plenty of webinars telling them so. So if you really want to be plussed, add everyone you possibly can to your circles. It will impact the Klout you have.

Don’t know what Klout is? I’m not going to tell you, except to say if your Klout score isn’t at least 95% you are really in bad shape in the social media world and totally without influence, and everyone will know because they get emails telling them your Klout score dropped again and is now a negative number.

Being on top of the leaderboard on AR is essential. No one will know you exist unless your shining personage is flaunted at the top of your city’s page. How do you get there? Earn extra points with minimal work (remember, your time is precious!) by the following:

• Reblog everything in sight. Each reblog’s worth 25 points. Don’t worry about including commentary on the value of what you are reblogging or whether the post is plagiarized – no one cares, certainly not the person you reblogged because they will feel honored simply because you reblogged them. Make sure to have the minimum number of words to get credit, which is easy to do by blathering on about how “you disable comments because you want everyone to comment on the original post to make that person feel valued for their wisdom and you have no time to respond to stupid comments anyway”. Simply copy and paste that same statement for each reblog (be sure to disable comments); you’ll find they only take 13 seconds to do and you’ll get loads of points by reblogging the maximum number of posts per week. Your own blog will magically fill up with reblogs and you won’t have to do any intelligent writing whatsoever.

• Commenting also awards points so take advantage of the 250 allowed per day. The easiest way to do this is by cutting and pasting the same sincere comment on 10 posts in rapid succession – something like “super post, I learned so much from you, keep up the good work” or something equally insipid will work.  You can do 10 in about 35 seconds (remember, time is precious). The side benefit is people will notice you participating actively in on-line conversation, which shows you really care about developing deep personal relationships which will certainly lead to more business.

We haven’t touched on Facebook but who cares about that. Zuckerberg recently lost about $7 billion in net worth so clearly Facebook will ultimately fail even though there are almost a billion members liking everything and everyone they possibly can and sending birthday wishes to a million friends each year in between playing Farmville.

And if you don’t know about Twitter I certainly don’t have the time or patience to explain it to you, or the value of being retweeted and having 1,365,732,923,851 followers like every celebrity who’s anyone at all, or at least was in People Magazine sometime in the last 10 years showing off their cosmetically-enhanced body on the beach on Bora Bora on their 5^th honeymoon after losing, yet again, 125 pounds eating only mung beans which resulted in a new book and a reality show.

Feel better now?