I happen to love SPAM - what's wrong with the world? Things are getting way, way out of whack.
SPAM is a wonderful food. The word itself is wonderful! It's a contraction of two words - Spicy and Ham!
Contract the two and get SPAM!
My first introduction to SPAM was when I was 11 years old and on my first Boy Scout camping trip.
Seeing it cooking on the campfire griddle it smelled a lot like ham. But I didn't know what it was.
They explained to me, teasing of course, that it was made up of everything on the pig that nobody wanted to eat - the snout, the toenail, the knuckles, the tail, and everything else obnoxious and unappetizing.
But everyone else ate it, so I tasted it and IT WAS GOOD!
Just look at it sitting there, proudly, among all the other pretenders. Vienna sausage? Are you kidding? Chunk light tuna? What are you thinking?
SPAM is it baby.
And I have enjoyed it on camping trips ever since that first, delicious introduction. Even now, as a Scoutmaster or other camp adult, I want to see SPAM on the menu!
And now what do we get? The world is crazy! I hear about SPAM blockers, SPAM blacklisters, SPAM filters, and SPAM preventers! And that somehow SPAM is "socially unacceptable." I read that SPAM is being sent to people who do not want it, like it's some form of fruit cake! WHAT?? ARE YOU PEOPLE CRAZY? Who wouldn't want SPAM??
And, the lie of all lies, SPAM is being connected to viruses, worms and it's said that it is found to be sent by people phishing. Well, that just reaches the end of my rope! SPAM is SPICY HAM! There is no phish in it!
THIS MADNESS HAS TO STOP!!
And so, in the interest of fairness and to raise the SOCIAL CONSCIOUSNESS, I propose to start a lobbying group.
I am calling my group S.P.A.M.
Coming soon to a neighborhood near you will be a fine building. It will be in the shape of a SPAM can.
On top will be large neon letters -- S P A M!
There will be two entrances. One will be for the more business minded. Over the door will be a sign saying:
SPAM PURVEYORS ARE MARVELOUS!
The other door will be for the more socially inclined. Over this door will be another sign saying:
SPAM PREVENTERS ARE MEAN!
Outside our buildings you will detect the wafting aroma of SPAM cooking on a griddle! When you smell it you will know you are home.
Each door will open to the same greeting area. Just walk in and say, "Hi. I'm _____________ and I love SPAM!"
You will be greeted warmly. A vast buffet will be served presenting SPAM in a colorful and glorious array of deliciousness. Immediately you will be invited to enjoy and savor every culinary idea in the extraordinary buffet presentation!
Admission is free.
Bring your appetite!