I pulled this off the Reuters news line. A Massachusetts company that specializes in compensation conducted a survey of 40,000 mothers on their site, http://www.salary.com/. The firm concluded that the typical Mom puts in 92 hours a week, performs 10 job functions and is worth $140,000 per year based upon the median salaries of each position. The average mother can fill all of the following positions:
- Housekeeper
- Day-care center teacher
- Cook
- Computer operator
- Laundry machine operator
- Janitor
- Facilities manager
- Van driver
- Chief executive officer
- Psychologist.
But Salary.com got it wrong. Not even close. Moms are not worth $140,000 per year. Consider the role of Dad's in the typical family. A similar Y-choromosome study would pinpoint what functions Dads perform. In fact it is Dad's consistency in the following areas that make Mom's role so mission-critical.
That's right. The proven incompetence of a father exponentially increases a mother's worth to the family:
- So Mom is a housekeeper? It takes Dad's true talent to turn every drawer in the house upside down looking for a screwdriver, leave a small appliance taken completely apart on the kitchen table, go outside and wash the car with the dining room linens.
- So Mom is a day-care center teacher? It takes Dad's true talent to teach children questionable behavior, pranks, bathroom humor and close the lesson with "Let's not tell anyone we had this fun. It's our little secret."
- So Mom is a cook? It takes Dad's true talent to make Macaroni and Cheese on the stove but substitute beer for water when man friends come over for Monday Night Football.
- So Mom is a computer operator? It takes Dad's true talent to load the entire Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar as the screensaver just in time for little Jimmy's birthday party.
- So Mom is a laundry machine operator? It takes Dad's true talent to add Clorox bleach to every cycle - whites, darks, colors, whatever. Think it's easy to turn an entire 11 year-old boy's wardrobe an eclectic blotch of pink and gray?
- So Mom is a janitor? It takes Dad's true talent to clean the windows from the outside with a garden house when the screens are up.
- So Mom's a facilities manager? It takes Dad's true talent to hang every conceivable family possession upside down in the garage without crushing the pooch to death.
- So Mom is a minivan driver? It takes Dad's true talent to stow large heavy pieces of luggage on the roof rack, secured by bungee cords, clothesline and a lavender belt from an old bathrobe.
- So Mom is a Chief Executive Officer? It takes Dad's true talent to sabotage the family's budget like Bill Clinton walking into a women's prison with a fistful of pardons.
- So Mom is a psychologist? It takes Dad's true talent to perfect the three foolproof pain management strategies when Daddy-led activities go bad: (a) "C'mon ya sissy. Walk it off!" (b) two huge bowls of ice cream with extra chocolate syrup (c) emergency call to Grandma.
So a Mom is worth $140,000? P-l-e-a-s-e!
With the relative uselessness of the average Dad, Moms are worth at least twice as much. Talk about who makes the bigger contribution!
- Mom brings order. Dad bring chaos and a six pack of Dr. Pepper.
- Mom brings reason. Dad brings at least 99 reasons why Mom shouldn't have married Dad.
- Mom brings children into the world. Dad brings the car around to take Mom home from the maternity ward and forgets the new baby seat for the ride home at least 8 out of 10 times.
- Mom brings in the groceries. Dad drops the eggs.
Left alone and unsupervised, the average Dad with his limited social and listening skills would destroy the synergy necessary for a successful family in, oh, about 43 minutes.
Take Dad out of the equation and Mom's relative worth plummets. So next time you're thinking of rewarding Mom for jobs well done, don't forget to spread a little sunshine on the large, navel-searching juvenile she married. He makes her look good.
(c) Copyright, 2008. Andrew J. Lenza, All Rights Reserved.
We represent buyers and sellers of condos, single family homes and investment properties through most of Middlesex, Monmouth County real estate and Ocean County real estate. 
You can call Andrew at (732) 431-9003 or email me or visit me at my company website.
Andrew J. Lenza, ABR GRI MBA Broker/Owner
ANDREW J. LENZA REALTY
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Office Telephone (732) 431-9003
(c) Copyright, 2008. Andrew J. Lenza, All Rights Reserved
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Forget about it...my net worth has gone through the roof since I quit housekeeping and have refined my delegation skills to dictate chores to my very capable staff of young adults who are very eager to please (and earn a buck).
Thanks Andrew... I needed a good laugh. As long as we get a few nickels to cover the cable and the ocassional six pack of Dr. Pepper... or a good bottle of single malt, we're happy.