Care of the Caregiver
Many of us have friends or neighbors that serve as caregivers for one or more family members. This article may provide a little better understanding of the demands faced by caregivers. Every caregiver needs help. If you can, reach out to a caregiver and offer your assistance. Give some thought to how you would cope with the daily life as a caregiver.
This article was provided by The Estate Planning & Elder Law Firm, P.C.
Sally Abrahms in a recent article in the AARP Bulletin of November 2012 talks about caregiver burnout.
It's a real problem that many adult children of the elderly face. You love your parents or in-laws. However, their desire to continue to live on their own can present additional burdens on their children. In many cases, they can no longer drive a car, so the responsibility to take them grocery shopping, on errands, falls to the children. While many children of the elderly would love to perform these functions if they had unlimited time, the problem is they don't have unlimited time. They may still be involved in raising children or have grandchildren with whom they would like to spend time. Sally cites a common worry-- should I go away on vacation to an exotic locale? My family now has the ability to afford that trip to Europe or the Caribbean that we always wanted. But what about Mom or Dad? Will I get a call that they have just fallen or are in the hospital? How would I arrange to come back on short notice? These competing interests cause frustration and, in some cases, even exhaustion.
She writes that there are 3 different types of problems which caregivers of the elderly face. First is grief. The caregiver has to come to terms with the grief of losing the person they once knew. Even though that essential person is still there at their core, the person they once knew is changed forever. Sometimes the change in the person is a physical one (i.e., their loved one now has a progressive disease like multiple sclerosis), or sometimes that change is in mental capacity, as is the case in Alzheimer's. While you may no longer be able to go to a movie together or hike in the woods, there are simpler things you can still do together that can bring enjoyment to both parties.
Secondly, one must deal with guilt. Caught in between competing demands, the caregiver may develop feelings of resentment. They love their parents or relative, but it's hard not to have negative feelings sometimes. It's comforting to know that this is normal. Once you realize that this is a normal reaction, the resentment loses some of its power.
Thirdly, one must face the sheer fact of physical exhaustion. Taking care of yourself and family keeps most people busy, so when you add in the care of someone with special needs, one can become physically exhausted. In such cases, it is best not to try to do it all by yourself. Seek the help of other relatives or hire some assistance. The burden of care giving is much lighter, if it is shared. It's essential that the caregiver maintain his/her own health.
Finally, Ms. Abrahms counsels that there is no one way to cope with the demands of care giving. "Each experience is unpredictable, ever changing and unique. Your plan will require constant revision."(p.18) The good news is that it is a manageable problem, there are many people in your same circumstances, and that is a comforting thought. (Sally Abrahms, AARP Bulletin, November 2012)
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Posted on Active Rain as a community service. Character counts in Gaithersburg.
If you are a past or present caregiver, please comment on the kinds of assistance that would be welcome from family, friends or neighbors.
Hibiscus, Kentlands, Spring Flowers IMG_9162
Photograph by Roy Kelley using a Canon PowerShot G11 camera.
Roy and Dolores Kelley Photographs
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