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Learning to Respect One Another

By
Real Estate Agent with KW at the Parks 651506396

 Learning to Respect One Another


I have been closely following the US Supreme Court’s review of the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act; as to whether gays and lesbians should be allowed to marry…perhaps you have been doing so as well. To be completely forthright with you, I must state that I have a gay son who has a partner of 9 years; and together they have adopted a little boy, who is now 15 months old.


I understand this is a very difficult situation for both sides of this issue. I try my best to be objective, and I try always to be respectful to the opinions of others…even though they may differ from mine.


Here in Ohio, we recently had our Republican Senator, Rob Portman, come out on the side of allowing gays to marry. He also has a gay son.  I know of Mr. Portman’s journey, since I have travelled the road as well.


I don’t begin to know what makes one person attracted to another; whether they are male or female…and neither do any of you. What bothers me the most in following the coverage of this event on the Internet are the comments posted.  Some really ugly things are being written from both sides of this argument. While the computer age and the Internet are wonderful tools for all of us to use, the anonymity of it allows for opinions and comments to be aired that would never see the light of day had they been said in person. What we learned as children about, if you don’t have anything good to say…then don’t say anything, seems to be a lesson ignored by a great many.


My son came out to my wife and me his first year of college. He is extremely bright, and was a wonderful high school student. He never gave us any cause for concern. He worked, owned his own car, paid for it himself…along with his insurance and gas. He did his homework; never needing to be supervised…his was just on automatic pilot all four high school years. He was extremely popular, and he even had a girlfriend, whom he took to the prom. 


In college, things changed. He just seemed to have lost his way. One day, things came to a head. When I challenged him on what was going on…backed into a corner, Michael confessed that he was gay.  I told him that I had suspected he was for some time. I then told him that being gay did not give him the right to continue down the path he was travelling…that if was gay, then he should be an honorable gay man.


I then asked him what took him so long to tell us. He told me how months before; I had made an unflattering gay remark while our family was out to dinner. I honestly couldn’t recall what I had said, but it had left a mark in his memory bank. Because of what I had said, Michael felt that I wouldn’t love him anymore if he came out.


For weeks afterward, while driving home from work, I would stop every night at a cemetery along the way, and withdraw deep into my thoughts about what had transpired. I felt so ashamed for making my son ever question if I loved him. I anguished over what his coming out would mean. Would he have a difficult time in the world simply because others would hate him because he was gay? I was conflicted over my faith, and what his being gay might mean for his salvation.


My wife and I asked Michael to agree to go to family counseling so we could all learn to navigate through this thing successfully. I will always remember Michael’s answer to a question about choosing to be gay. He said, “No one chooses to be gay. Why would anyone choose to be hated by others?”


After Michael’s coming out, I learned to be more careful in what I said. I also learned to be more understanding, and less judgmental. Just because someone travels a different path than me, doesn’t mean they are lost. As far as my faith, I left things up to God. I don’t begin to understand His ways. I am not God; therefore, I sit in judgment of no one. You are not God; and therefore, you do not sit in judgment of anyone’s salvation either.


I didn’t really know what to expect from life as we entered our post-counseling life. To be honest, I was afraid. There was HIV, and AID’s. There were gay teens committing suicide. There were gays being beaten up and killed.


I need not have been afraid. Once the “cat was out of the bag” and my son knew he was loved…he returned to being the kind and loving person from high school. Today, he has a wonderful job and has a successful career. My wife and I love his partner as much as we do Michael. Chris is a wonderful person, and we are all lucky to have him in our lives. He has made our world brighter and better! Their little boy is a joy to behold.


Senator Portman and I have discovered that we do not have gay sons…we have sons who happen to be gay. They are not one dimensional. While their sexuality may be different than ours, they want what all of us want…to live a useful and productive life. People are afraid of what they do not know, or understand. What Senator Portman found out…what I found out…what many of you with gay friends, or family have found out…these people are deserving of our love, our understanding, and our support.


When someone is in trouble, Michael is first on the scene to offer help and encouragement. Mike is the first to arrive at the hospital when someone is injured. He is the first to loan his car, his home, his money to someone in need. He held vigil over his mom the entire night prior to her breast cancer surgery. He is loyal, he is honest, and he is caring. The fact that he is gay does not detract from who he is.


I am not sure what the Supreme Court will do. Based on their questions, I think they seem to be reluctant participants in this controversy. My guess is they will play Solomon, and divide the baby in half. I think they will separate the issue into two parts. They will rule that states have the authority to allow gays to certain rights married people have. As for whether gays have the right to marry…I think they will kick that can down the street, and let another court take that up at a later date. I think the court’s decision will upset both sides…one side will be angry for the court going too far…the other side, because it didn’t go far enough.


What will be important is not the court’s decision….but everyone’s reaction to it. Haters from both sides will spill their venom anonymously. What they don’t understand…just like a man shooting a gun wildly in the air…those bullets do eventually fall back to earth. When you send hate out into the world, eventually it finds a target…or it returns to you, like a boomerang. In either case, someone gets hurt needlessly. It needn’t be this way.


I’d like to end with this…


If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.


Mother Teresa

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments (2)

Mike Frazier
Carousel Realty of Dyer County - Dyersburg, TN
Northwest Tennessee Realtor

Thomas, this indeed is a difficult issue. I have a gay brother who is also an alcoholic. However, I always try to be respectful of gays because that is what Jesus would do. I do believe what the bible teaches so that is where I will camp out regarding the gay marriage issue.

Apr 04, 2013 04:55 AM
Thomas Craig
KW at the Parks - Orlando, FL

Mike,

As always, I can count on your gentle hand of comfort, and understanding. All of us are searching to fit in and to be wanted. We may not agree with someone in their lifestyle choices...but we can at least put down the stone, and avoid the temptation to throw it. Perhaps doing so will cause someone to show mercy towards us.

Tom

Apr 04, 2013 05:50 AM