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Seeing the Other Side of a Conflict

By
Education & Training with The Lones Group, Inc.

The Lones Group, Inc.

Speak Facts, Not Emotion During Conflict

This week's topic is on the second point of my conflict resolution formula. As a review, the Conflict Formula is:

Today, we are focused on how to engage the other person's point of view or thought. This step is extremely important because of how people usually process conflict.

Picture this - let's say you are presenting an offer to a listing agent and they are not happy about the price your buyers are offering. Instead of articulating calmly the challenges with the price, the agent says to you, "Well if you had any experience, you would know that that offer is a joke!"

Ouch!

Depending on how you handle conflict, you might shrink away from wanting to deal with this agent. You might not confront the agent and instead go away from that meeting either questioning your ability to price, or spend days thinking about what a jerk this agent is and begin envisioning the terrible upbringing this agent must have had to speak to you in such a terrible way. The conflict becomes bigger in your head because you didn't engage and dig deeper when you had the chance.

But now imagine instead of ignoring the conflict (because remember - if you ignore it you are giving your silent approval), you decide to tackle it head-on. The first step is to state your facts:

"Agent, I need to stop our conversation here for a second. I don't know if you meant for that to sound like it did, but that statement was hurtful. I have the experience to write a good offer and I do a great job for both my buyers and sellers."

All facts! Now it is time for engagement.

"I realize this offer may not be what your sellers were expecting, but is there something specific that you are concerned about in regards to how I have handled this offer?"

Then wait! Keep eye contact and wait for an answer. Most of the time, when people make a strong snarky comment like this, they are not used to being challenged. Often, you are going to see them either escalate or deflate. If they escalate, you will need to keep your emotions down and be firm, but if they deflate, then give them grace. Here is what this could look like:

"Is there something specific that you are concerned about in regards to how I have handled this offer?"

After some hemming and hawing, the agent may come back with the following, "I just don't feel like this offer matches the research I have done on the market and I think my sellers will be insulted."

They answered your question with facts, not emotion. Therefore, give them grace. "I understand and respect that. I am happy to show you my research as there is something we both might be missing. But this is the offer my buyers are comfortable with. I hope you will present this offer and allow your sellers to decide how they would like to proceed. I know you want to sell this house. My buyers want to buy this house. Are you open to working with me on this offer?"

The agent is either going to say yes or say no, but by engaging throughout the time you are working through the conflict then you will be creating a conversation rather than just barraging the other person with a lot of facts and overwhelming them. Also, this will keep the other person from putting up their defenses. Furthermore, by giving the other person grace and allow them to back up and try again, you are more likely to have the result you are looking for.

I have also been surprised at the other's reaction on a number of occasions when I engage them. I have had a person I was in conflict with completely drop their defenses and be completely honest with me:

"No, I don't have a challenge with your experience. Sorry about that. This is just the fifth offer I have had to deal with in the last two days on about three properties and I am wiped out."

Wow! Talk about a change of tone that can come about just by engaging the other person!

Next week, we will cover the last segment of the conflict resolution formula: Tell the truth and offer solutions.

 

By Denise Lones CSP, M.I.R.M., CDEI - The founding partner of The Lones Group, Denise Lones, brings over two decades of experience in the real estate industry. With expertise in strategic marketing, business analysis, branding, new home project planning, product development, and agent/broker training, Denise is nationally recognized as the source for all things "real estate". With a passion for improvement, Denise has helped thousands of real estate agents, brokers, and managers build their business to unprecedented levels of success, while helping them maintain balance and quality of life.

The Lones Group, Inc.

Comments (24)

Fernando Herboso - Associate Broker MD, & VA
Maxus Realty Group of Samson Properties - Clarksburg, MD
301-246-0001 Serving Maryland, DC and Northern VA

Great tips how to handle this awkward situations. . . sometimes drama gets on the way. .

Jun 07, 2013 06:08 AM
Denise Lones
The Lones Group, Inc. - Bellingham, WA
CSP, MIRM, CDEI - Real Estate Coaching & Branding

Li - Thank you as always for your thoughtful comment. You're just a ferry ride and short drive away. Hope to see you at an event someday!

Tamara, Sophia, Connie - It's wonderful to meet new readers of my weekly articles. It's a privilege to have you taking time out of your busy day to read here. I hope you'll come back next week for the final entry in this series on conflict. Keep in touch -Denise

Jun 07, 2013 06:24 AM
J. Philip Faranda
Howard Hanna Rand Realty - Yorktown Heights, NY
Associate Broker / Office Manager

Why not just sue the other person? That seems to work for you. 

Jun 07, 2013 08:35 AM
Susan Mangigian
RE/MAX Preferred - West Chester, PA
Chester & Delaware County Homes, Delaware and Ches

Phil took the words right out of my mouth.  Actions always speak louder than words and I can't help but remember the actions you took when you had a conflict.  

Jun 07, 2013 08:49 AM
Denise Lones
The Lones Group, Inc. - Bellingham, WA
CSP, MIRM, CDEI - Real Estate Coaching & Branding

Philip & Susan - It is always best to try to resolve conflict in a respectful and collaborative manner. There are times when that doesn't work and a more formal conflict resolution process must be taken. Thank you very much for your comments. I appreciate the time you took to respond. - Denise

Jun 07, 2013 09:18 AM
Ronald DiLalla
Century 21 Discovery DRE 01813824 - Anaheim, CA
No. Orange Cty Real Estate

I was told allong time ago that there is always two sides to every pancake.

Jun 07, 2013 11:20 AM
Joan Whitebook
BHG The Masiello Group - Nashua, NH
Consumer Focused Real Estate Services

Phillip and Susan -- a very good post and one full of tips on how to handle conflict.  It certainly is an art and it takes some time to betcome an expert at conflict resolution.  Well done.

Jun 07, 2013 12:41 PM
Gayle Rich-Boxman Fishhawk Lake Real Estate
John L Scott Market Center - Birkenfeld, OR
"Your Local Expert!" 503-739-3843

Denise, this is such a powerful post--wow--the examples you used, the solutions you suggested, so incredibly wonderful and dead on! I commend you for this, you deserve MANY more comments and I am going to subscribe to your blog.

Jun 07, 2013 02:13 PM
Praful Thakkar
LAER Realty Partners - Andover, MA
Andover, MA: Andover Luxury Homes For Sale

Denise, true - state the facts. This is the best way to deflate the conflicts. 

Jun 07, 2013 02:30 PM
Fred Cope
Reliant Realty in Nashville, TN - Nashville, TN
Looking For Homes With A Smile

Denise, so articulate, on point and pithy.  We old folks would call it "Kill them with kindness."

 

If there were no problems, resolution would be unnecessary.  Resolution is necessary.  Thanks for the post.

Jun 07, 2013 03:17 PM
Harry F. D'Elia III
WEDO Real Estate and Beyond, LLC - Phoenix, AZ
Investor , Mentor, GRI, Radio, CIPS, REOs, ABR

Mastering conflct resolution is a skill that can be mastered. Close more deals

Jun 07, 2013 03:56 PM
John F Muscarella
RIVER FARM PROPERTIES, LLC - Venice, FL
Broker/Owner, Venice, FL, Florida's Suncoast

Great post on a subject all of us must deal with at times.  Thank you for your effort.

Jun 07, 2013 07:47 PM
Dee Toohey
Innovative Realty Solutions Group - Longwood, FL
Broker, ABR, AHWD, CIPS, FMS, ePro

Thanks for the reminder, Denise.  Sometimes we get lost in being right or winning and we forget the end goal.

Jun 07, 2013 09:50 PM
Edward Gilmartin
CRE - Boston, MA

the listing agent has to present all offers to his seller. One may want to remind him or her of this fact. Most sellers want to see all offers.

Jun 07, 2013 09:55 PM
Amanda Christiansen
Christiansen Group Realty (260)704-0843 - Fort Wayne, IN
Christiansen Group Realty

I'm all about sticking to the facts and keeping emotions out of it.  Conflict doesn't have to be ugly.                              

Jun 07, 2013 10:06 PM
Andrew Mooers | 207.532.6573
MOOERS REALTY - Houlton, ME
Northern Maine Real Estate-Aroostook County Broker

Feelings have no IQ... logic, reasoning, thinking us, we and unity means no in fighting allowed. Not an option if you want a solution, compromise where no one is hand stand happy. Or somethings both sides are. But like a little league game, have fun, learn much and look to make it better than it was, improved. For the greater good if possible.

Jun 07, 2013 11:49 PM
Richie Alan Naggar
people first...then business Ran Right Realty - Riverside, CA
agent & author

 

Yes to this decent and relevant post on interaction...Oil and water don't mix and neither does emotions and truth...

Jun 08, 2013 12:03 AM
Richard Bazinet /MBA, CRS, ABR
West USA Realty - Scottsdale, AZ
Phoenix Scottsdale. Sellers, Buyers & Relocations

All I can say Denise is that this is very good. Thank you for posting it, It's a good read and should be kept as reference material.

Jun 08, 2013 01:15 AM
Laura Filip
Laura Filip Broker , Opening doors for All Seasons of Life - Whitesboro, TX
What can we do for you today?
Great post thank you for sharing
Jun 08, 2013 05:58 AM
Charles Stallions
Charles Stallions Real Estate Services - Pensacola, FL
850-476-4494 - Pensacola, Pace or Gulf Breeze, Fl.

Very good, I have found arguing just makes one firmer in their belief. I state the facts and let things lay

Jun 09, 2013 11:00 PM