OK, this is long but it is sssooooo worth it...hope you stay long enough to read, you will laugh
So , ummm, I had my zero-ith surprise birthday on Valentine's Day and, like, OMG! how humiliating-- only mom and dad showed up! (Next year I am in charge of promotion). Here's how it went because apparently your invitation got lost in the mail too. First, I had NO idea there was going to be a party (and that everyone had been ‘told' to wear white!?! in the middle of winter!? Icky. And as long I'm exploring parenthetical thoughts for the first time, since when did ‘disposable paper' become an acceptable textile? I don't know who's driving this boat but we're changing the fashion rules around here starting NOW. And starting with dad's shorts. Hello??).
So I'm minding my own business at 11:50 pm, sleeping in my increasingly undersized apartment (which has had a number of problems-- the windows don't open for one. The furnace has been on 24/7 for 9 months so it's as loud and hot as hell, plus the trash is piling up. I've been bashing on the super's door ever since I realized I had fingers, but nothing. F-that. Next stop is the condo association --soon as I can figure out how to work these chubby little legs). So anyway, I'm quite warm and sleeping and then, suddenly, WHAM! There I am in a freezing cold room with strangers. Being handled like I'm a slippery, honey-glazed, holiday ham. Some party... Everyone (ummm, except me!?) is happy. The lights are bright. Way bright.
Is this an interrogation room? (Whatever has or hasn't been done, take it down the hall, you all. I emphatically deny any involvement!) Did daddy cheap out and get a good deal on a back room at the US Naval base at Guatanamo Bay? I hear a woman screaming down the hall. Give them the information they want already, lady. So the rest of us can have some quiet around here. Are we even in Cuba? I don't see any palm trees, people. They want water boarding? I'll give them the next best thing--Water bedding. Here goes...Urrrggggggggggghhhhhhhh.. Ahhh!
I'm not sure of anything (that's why they call it a surprise party I guess?). It's cold and bright and frankly, I'm done with this scene already. But they wont let me back into my room. My key don't fit no more. I've been evicted and kicked to the proverbial sidewalk. The cold sidewalk. I'm completely naked. As naked as they day I was born, as some smart aleck in a paper dress just said. Which, and I'll only get to say this once in my life, is today.
I wanted a pony for my zero-ith. I got a friggin' straight jacket instead. Maybe this is an intervention already? Can't ...move...arms...must...get...Kryptonite...
Sales tags are off so I can't return this huggie suit to the local loony bin gift shop, either. There's a guy with glasses. Is that my father? Hmmm, we might be in trouble... Wait... Hey NOW, !! I see a woman with big boobs and I steer right for them. That would mean Kraft Service Catering has arrived! Things are looking up! Let's get this party started!! I latch on. It almost feels right. Whoops, they belong to the nurse! My bad, sorry!! I'm scooped up and redirected to mom who does feel just right!. Ahhh, these work better!
So I'm fillin' up, working the room-- one suspicious eye on the crowd at all times, and they come at me with a scale! How rude! Don't they know we ladies prefer to keep some things secret? Apparently I'm 9 lbs. Whatever that means. I ask for some definition. They say I weigh the same as 36 quarter pounders from McDonalds, which they then promptly say my lips will never touch. We'll see about that!
What-ev.
Then they put me on a stretching rack and stop twisting when the meter gets to 27 inches and springs start shooting out of the contraption as it finally breaks. All's I know is that this kind of abuse leaves me no choice but to retaliate the only way I know: The good way. This coincides exactly with daddy's first diaper changing experience in about 32 years. He'll get better I'm sure. Just as I'll get better making them! I'm shooting to be promoted to manager of this burrito factory in a year.
This party lasted (15 hours) and frankly, mom and I both agree that might have been 14 hours too many. But the people wouldn't leave!? So, I wrote my first song to drive them out so we can all go home . It's called Happy Birthday To Me. It goes like this:
(sotto voce, then WAIL top of the lungs!)
Happy Birthday To Me
Happy Birthday To Me
Happy Birthday Dear Me
Happy Birthday To Me
(repeat ad nauseum)
Daddy told me it's been done before, but he delivers the news gently-- I know he doesn't want to discourage my creativity.
So look, it's been real, but I'm outta here. I'm beat and if I have any hope at all of waking mom up at 4am, I better get some shut eye asap. (Dad, you are off the hook for now but you'll pay (yes you will) when I start dating and coming home at 4am. I'll wipe the drool off your chin then.
This is the coolest thing...how can people be so creative...I hope I have made you laugh as hard as this has made me laugh...
kudos to Wally and Cori....
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