"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"
"3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."
"Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? "
"I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. "
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? "
"A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking."
"If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!"
"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?"
"If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. "
"If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. "
"Budget: A method for going broke methodically."
"Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. "
"24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?"
"Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... "
"It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird."
"I may not have been the greatest president, but I've had the most fun eight years." -Bill Clinton
HOPE YOU HAD A LAUGH OR TWO!