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Being responsive in a reactive world.

By Bryant Tutas

Real Estate Broker/Owner with Tutas Towne Realty, Inc and Garden Views Realty, LLC BK607690

March 16, 2008 06:56 AM

OK, WooHoo Sally this one's for you. I know you like this stuff and you popped into my head as soon as I started writing. Check out this link on the Bowen Theory.

This post was inspired by some recent conversations I have been having with another ActiveRain member. I will leave that member anonymous unless of course they want to chime in.

Anyway, it seems that this particular person's message keeps getting lost because of their presentation. Their presentation is always full of harsh criticism, focus on others, blame and an unwillingness to "open their mind" to other possibilities. They are not the only one. We have all fallen into this trap before.

It happens when we disagree with someone and instead of responding we react. Responding is taking the time to think things through and then debating the topic with a calm and well thought out response. It implies listening beyond the words and reflecting the feelings. That's why it's important to know what perspective folks are coming from. How are they looking at this situation? Responding is most likely to create a climate where honest, frank communication can occur.

By taking the time to try and understand the other parties perspective we are in a better position to present our thoughts where they have a better chance of being received. Responding is the mature way to communicate and debate.

On the other hand is reaction. Reaction is based on strong emotions and is an immature way to communicate or debate. You will notice this when you see folks who blame others more often, criticize harshly and take offense easily. Their focus is on others. They want instant solutions instead of exploring opposing options. They don't see how they can be contributing to the problem. They are closed minded. Unfortunately when you are in reactive mode others sense this and get defensive. It prohibits productive discourse.

The Bowen Theory states that we are all connected emotionally. Our thoughts, actions and feelings affect others around us. What this means is when someone is being reactive others around them become reactive. And from there the conversation goes down hill real quick.

So the solution is, as hard as may be, to step back and think before RESPONDING to a reactive comment. Be the calming force and the voice of reason.

This my friends is one of the steps to becoming, not only a leader, but a good communicator. By applying this to your business you will become better at what you do and also a person that people want to work with.

Being a responsive person in a reactive world is not easy. But it is achievable. Food for thought on a Sunday afternoon. These are mine....what are yours?

Bryant Tutas
Broker/Owner
Tutas Towne Realty, Inc
Licensed Florida Real Estate Broker
http://www.brokerbryant.com/
***The content of this blog is solely my opinion***

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Mike Norvell Sr

Morris Williams Realty - Leesburg, FL

Norvell Consulting Group

BB..How nice it is to see a bunch of people commenting on this subject..It is very easy to react, and to "say" something that cannot be really taken back...with over 70000 members, once something is posted it is out there. I too came here to learn, and to give back some of what I have picked up in the last year..

I promise to take a minute, count to 10, and be sure what I'm posting and commenting on is what I feel comfortable with 70000 potential referrals seeing...Best Wishes BB, and TLW too!!

Mar 16, 2008 11:41 AM

Lisa Hill

Florida Property Experts - Daytona Beach, FL

Daytona Beach Real Estate

I used to date a guy that would intentionally push my buttons just so he could then say "Act. Don't react." The guy was kind of a jerk, but the saying is true.

Mar 16, 2008 01:31 PM

Karen Webster...Grand Rapids, MI Realtor

5 Star Real Estate, Grand Rapids MI - Grand Rapids, MI

...and the meek shall inherit the commission check? Works for me.

Mar 16, 2008 03:47 PM

Randy L. Prothero

eXp Realty - Hollister, MO

Missouri REALTOR, (808) 384-5645

Maturity has a lot to do with how we respond. When I was younger I was more likely to jump on comments from others in an emotional reaction. As I got older I have learned to think it our before commenting.

Mar 16, 2008 04:27 PM

Mark Organek

And the United States of America - Mesa, AZ

It's not a game, it's your life.

Bryant, I've seen it happen and I'm normally prone to jump to offense. I don't think I've done it yet but I've seen others. What amazed me was the way the gentle member (maybe a new word?) diffused the situation. Real classy. Fortunately, I saw that on the first post I ever saw on AR. I thought that someone drew blood and the gentlemember attempted to consider the abrasive viewpoint. Great post!

Mar 16, 2008 04:31 PM

Katerina Gasset

The Gasset Group & Get It Done For Me Virtual Services - Provo, UT

Amplify Your Real Estate & Life Dreams!

Bryant- I really enjoyed reading this from you. This post is very thoughtful and causes the reader to think. I get defensive and I know it, something I am working on. I have learned to let it go more and more as the years move on. I am a very good listener for most people I come in contact with, although Nestor will say he is not one of those that I listen to:)

Mar 16, 2008 05:52 PM

Allison Stewart

St.Cloud Homes - Saint Cloud, FL

St. Cloud Fl Realtor, Osceola County Real Estate 407-616-9904

Broker Bryant- I enjoyed this post very much. You can please some of the people some of the time... Good reading and very enlightening. Thank you for writing this.

Mar 16, 2008 11:24 PM

Missy Caulk

Missy Caulk TEAM - Ann Arbor, MI

Savvy Realtor - Ann Arbor Real Estate

Bryant, if we react then others react and then the chain begins. Think before you ~~speak~~ write!

Mar 17, 2008 12:22 AM

Patricia Kennedy

RLAH@properties - Washington, DC

Home in the Capital

Bryant,

After reading your post yesterday and all of the comments, I clicked on one guy's link and whoo! I reacted!

OK, there might be a few idiots who hold real estate licenses. Just like there may be idiots who are lawyers, doctors and broadcasters. I think the response of anyone who sees this and wants to help out is to, oh, I dunno, find a way to provide the public with good information about how to tell the difference between the two.

And you are so right about framing a response that allows the listener to respond and not react. You did a great job with that here - so thanks!

Mar 17, 2008 01:37 AM

Jolynne Photography, Creative Wedding Photography, Family Portraits, Bar Mitzvahs

Jolynne Photography - Hemet, CA

Bat Mitzvahs, Senior Pictures, Event Photography

So, Broker Bryant responds...TLW reacts. Is that it? :)

Mar 17, 2008 11:35 AM

George Souto

George Souto NMLS #65149 FHA, CHFA, VA Mortgages - Middletown, CT

Your Connecticut Mortgage Expert

Bryant, unfortunately there are some on here whose "presentation is always full of harsh criticism, focus on others, blame and an unwillingness to "open their mind" to other possibilities", and even the most reasonable of persons will only take so much from these individuals before they strike back. Yes we need to think carefully about our response, and to try to be the voice of reason, but there are occasions when a harsh response is the right one.

Mar 17, 2008 12:33 PM

Real Estate Investing |Real Estate Investment

| Real Estate Radio USA - Fort Lauderdale, FL

Bryant...Good show today. You're ok in my book!

Mar 17, 2008 04:57 PM

R. B. "Bob" Mitchell - Loan Officer Raleigh/Durham

Bank of England (NMLS#418481) - Raleigh, NC

Bob Mitchell (NMLS#1046286)

Hmmm, maybe I should start a group of grumpy old disgruntled people? Wait, we all ready have that, it's called the Republican party! Just teasing.

One of the things that I thought are funny is some of the comments that you and I get on our posts when we've been debating some issue. I think that people end up missing the points that we're making because they get too into the argument itself and don't think about the issues being raised.

Bryant, in my opinion, this is one of the best posts that you've ever written!

Bob Mitchell

ValueList Real Estate Services, Inc.

Mar 18, 2008 04:06 AM

"The Lovely Wife" The One And Only TLW.

President-Tutas Towne Realty, Inc. - Kissimmee, FL

Joey...

My reactions are all based on whether or not I get to shoot something :)

TLW...ROAR!

Mar 18, 2008 09:41 AM

Bryant Tutas

Tutas Towne Realty, Inc and Garden Views Realty, LLC - Winter Garden, FL

Selling Florida one home at a time

Well hey everyone!! WooHoo Sally put up a very good follow up post to this. If you haven't read it yet here's the link. http://activerain.com/blogsview/428422/It-s-All-In

I appreciate you guys stopping by and reading. I truly hope this post has made you think. Reacting is so easy to do. Responding takes a little more time and a lot more self control. It's a skill that will pay dividends if learned and utilized. Try it!! You'll like it.

Brett and Bob. You guys have both proved my point. I have had very heated debates with both of you yet.....here you are...regular readers. That's a very good thing

Mar 18, 2008 10:21 AM

Leslie Bloss, Bellevue Real Estate Professional

Bellevue, WA

Hi Bryant,

I was so busy reading about all of the family relationships that I didn't look at how it relates to working relationships. Trying to understand the fine line between giving independence and keeping control as it relates to child/parent issues.

Mar 18, 2008 11:21 AM

Sharon Paxson

Sharon Paxson, Realtor® EQTY Forbes Global Properties - Newport Beach, CA

Newport Beach Real Estate

Sometimes it is a matter of listening to the message - not the "delivery" of the message. I try to respond versus react - however sometimes it is good to get a sanity check!

Mar 18, 2008 12:43 PM

Gary L. Waters Broker Associate, Bucci Realty

Bucci Realty, Inc. - Melbourne, FL

Eighteen Years Experience in Brevard County

Good points, all. Taking the time to really listen without all the emotional interference is key. We see this in buyers, sellers, brokers, agents....every day!

Mar 19, 2008 12:34 AM

Mike Jones

SUNSTREET MORTGAGE, LLC (BK-0907366, NMLS 145171) - Tucson, AZ

Mike Jones NMLS 223495

Broker Bryant,

Reaction prohibits productive discourse. That's the unvarnished truth! It's why you can't talk politics with someone who has a dozen bumper stickers plastered on the back of their car. You know, those "annoy a liberal..." "Annoy a conservative..."

Mike in Tucson

Mar 19, 2008 09:38 PM

Misty Thomas

Houston Realty - Crosby, TX

Realtor Crosby, TX

Excellent post! Keeping emotions in check and thinking about how you respond before you actually do is key

Mar 28, 2008 01:42 AM