Through The Fire: My Under The Influence(s) Contest Entry, Part 2
"It's then I am reminded I've never been forsaken
I've never had to stand the test alone....
He never promised that the cross would not get heavy
And the hill would not be hard to climb
He never offered our victories without fighting
But he said help would always come in time"
- "Through the Fire", The Crabb Family
After my post talking of my life's influences themselves, some of you may be thinking or wondering "Where do things stand at this point? How have eight truly positive influences, two horrific ones and others along the way blended together in producing the person Dennis Burgess is today?
Well, it's been a bumpy ride- but I thank God every day for what he's done for me thus far. I'm thankful for the good I've had in my life and thankful He saw fit to lead me to the other side of the storms that have raged.
Sergeant Smith is a man to whom I'll always be grateful. You see, aside from his influences that I've already discussed, Sgt. Smith was the only one from my childhood who became aware of the abuse I was taking and tried to make a difference. Seeing bruises and welts on my back as I changed shirts one day (didn't cover 'em up in time as I'd conditioned myself to do), he reported things to the authorities.
Things didn't go too well- as a lady went to my house and had an interview with my parents than went a bit like this: "Do you beat Dennis?" "No." "OK, thank you for your time." All that got me was another beating when I got home that evening. But Sgt. Smith cared and he reported things- something far too many are afraid to do these days. We simply need to shed any "What if...." insecurities we might harbor- andreport things if we believe a child is being abused.
I'll likely carry a bit of Mrs. Esther Pugh with me for the remainder of my life here and beyond. I see a bit of Mrs. Pugh in a lady named Wilma Bozenhardt whose been of member of the church I attend (Aloma Church) for nearly 50 years. Our current pastor and those preceding him have all looked to her as a great woman who loves the Lord above all else- and I trust Mrs. Pugh was viewed the same way.
I figure it's safe to assume that I might never truly know the depth and breadth of the influences my step-fathers have had on me. Not a role model among them, I can assure you it's an uncomfortable thing to have lived life as I have- carrying a behavioral road map of the examples I've had and setting out to do the mirror opposite of whatever I've seen. Bracelets encourage folks to consider "What Would Jesus Do?" before making a decision- and to try and do the same. I've always considered what my step-fathers would do and looked to do the opposite.
Growing up, we lost all of our worldly possessions more than once due to our family not having any rent money and our landlords needing rent money for some strange reason as. To this day and forevermore, I'll never eat Hamburger Helper- for too often we couldn't afford the meat and that junk was just "Helper".
Good thing: I learned the value of a dollar early in life- 'cause we didn't have any of them. I started throwing a paper route with 35 customers when I was 13- and had nearly 1,000 about 5 years later. My sister joined me in working more hours and sleeping less of them than kids ever should- and getting beaten all the while- but it made me stronger. Indeed, though scar tissue on my brain caused my epilepsy (and likely the narcolepsy I also live with), I got tougher and got stronger.
I joined the Navy at 19- having never had a date in my life at that point, never having had a friend of any kind visit my home due to my embarrassment at the often deplorable conditions in which I lived- but I was free, I was free. I'll never forget the moments after my Basic Training graduation (ironically, right here in Orlando)- when my mother and I both stood with tears streaming down our faces: my mother crying happy tears because I was able to escape our house, me crying tears of sadness because my mother, sister and brothers remained in it.
I had a few rough spells over the next 10 years. When you grow up in a house with the windows nailed shut and one day get pardoned from it and released into the "real world", you never know what trouble you might find around the corner. I drank for the first time in the Navy- starting with wine coolers and progressing through beer, rum and Cokes, Tanquery and 7-Up, Kamikazes and the list goes on. Without a good influence from my childhood, the world became my influence- and it wasn't a good one.
I am thankful for the influences of great friends from my Navy days- ones I'll list by first names of Darryl, Keith, Tony, Wayne, Comer, Dexter, Kirk, Larry, Brian, Jeff, Kirk #2, Rob, Chad, Jason and my best friend in life CTTCM SW/AW (ret) Ty Eanes. I was blessed to be a part of the Navy's cryptologic community- and it was the tight-knit nature of our small Navy project that likely served as my saving grace.
I drank a lot- and it brought along a number of unfortunate events such as a trip to the Alabama/Tennessee football game in Knoxville with ambulance ride to the local hospital following a fight between 6 Tennessee fans and I that resulted in a concussion and a fractured jaw. My sister and I have always been close- as we were all each other had to lean on while we endured years of abuse and simply dreamed of getting away from it.
Drinking nearly destroyed the relationship between my sister and I, though- and at one point she told me I was no longer welcome to visit her home. She had small children of her own by then, you see- and it's poetically tragic that she feared I could have a bad influence on her kids.
Following my first seizure- behind the wheel of my car and heading home from work one day in D.C.'s rush hour traffic (as I've discussed here), the doctors told me that the efficacy of my medications would be hampered if I continued to drink. I said "OK"- and this coming Thursday, I'll mark 17 years alcohol free and all the better for it. I thank the Lord for my seizures, and for restoring my relationship with my family.
Through the years, I've learned that it's OK to depend on others (that's the basis of the ol' teamwork thing and all)- but you have to ensure the folks you depend on are dependable. I've learned that there's good (albeit relative good at times) in everything and everyone if you're willing to look for it and patient enough to wait for it.
I've learned that having a great memory can be a bad thing- as I can recall way too much that I'd rather forget. A good memory affords you no mulligans, either- as "I forgot" is probably the last thing folks would believe from me. I hear folks mention that they're "from a broken home" or lament that a friend from school is "from a broken home", and I think to myself that the only thing worse than being from a broken home is still being in a broken home.
I remain a work in progress to this day. Like everyone else, I'm a product of my past experiences. I have trouble "enjoying the moment", because I dread the time the joy ends and fear it'll never return. I have a 10-year-old TV, an 18-year-old stereo system and a clock radio I got for Christmas in 1985. The influences of my childhood carry on. Not bragging- please understand the context, but I continue to have a brilliant mind that's intellectually superior to many that for the past 27 years has failed to wrap itself around questions I've heard countless times..."How can someone so smart do something/say something so dang stupid?" There's no substitute for experience- and life can be tough as you accumulate wisdom and pray it'll one day make up the stagger for a lack of past experiences.
I remain committed to not letting my life's influences from long ago define me- they never have and they never will. I am strong today, and I am fearless. I thrive in times of chaos- and in times of calm, I wonder why the noise has stopped. I have never blamed myself for any of the abuse I took growing up- and never will, and I've never blamed anyone else for troubles in my adult life.
My hope is to serve as an influence to others. If you're a child being harmed, it's not you fault and you should tell another adult as soon as possible. If you're an adult whose harming your spouse or child, stop it and get some help for yourself and them- for your actions in the short term might very well set the course for someone else's life.
Through The Fire: My Under The Influence(s) Contest Entry, Part 2
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