Is Etiquette a Science or an Art?

Kimo Stowell 

Those first two lines are the beginning of a great memoir. By line three you're going down the rabbit hole and as the reader; vicariously, I'm already there, watching you through the pictures of my mind, feeling what you're going through, and curious about what's next. Suddenly, it's not about Emily Post, born in 1872, dying in 1960; but Kimo Stowell, someone I've already identified with just because he says, "etiquette is an art with a scientific understanding of human behavior." Kimo is alive with feelings! His memories are current and this is his story! 

Already, I'm clinging to his every word. He's believable. I know what he says is true about manners and the ability to coexist in a world that is chopped up into age, sex, nationality, familial status, religion and basically everything else we know and don't know about cultural diversity. And therein lies the problem, cultural awareness is a learned behavior rooted in science - it is in our DNA.

I've been watching Fashion Week and what American actors are dressed like. There is no comparison.  Koreans are making a formal fashion statement. Women are covered up to their necks and their suits and dress jackets are hand stitched with creativity and attention to detail. The Asian culture is very different than in America.

When it comes to cultural diversity, manners and etiquette differ. I witnessed that in countries where I have traveled and in business. There is something in etiquette that moves people towards each other or repels them away.

As a child I was never invited to sit with the adults in a formal seating but I did read books and I knew about the finger bowl because of Charm School. Unfortunately, the first time my future husband took me out to dinner in an elegant place, at 16 years old I learned he had a lot to learn about table manners. When the waitress asked him if he was ready for a finger bowl, he said, “No thank you, I’m full.” I was mortified!!!

So now, here I am an observer watching my six year old friend Kimo sitting with his grandmother who is discretely sending him messages like the scene in Pretty Woman about table etiquette. The big difference is Kimo was only six and my spouse "to be" already served one year in Korea and he was about to be shipped off to Viet Nam to do manly things but he didn’t know anything about table manners! He learned how to shine his boots, make a bed, assemble and disassemble a rifle and a gun; yet he never learned about table manners. Some people never learn.     

My mind wonders back and forth between reading Kimo’s story and finding connections to my own life story and I can’t stop reading his story!

Kimo, now much older and wiser (manners never forgotten) is managing a Jazz/dinner club in Boston where New Englanders have been known to be standoffish; yet I never believed it. Many of my best friends I met when I lived in Maine and traveled extensively to Vermont, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts where from this part of the country so I can picture a fine Club with well-mannered people, all except the brat and his alcoholic mother. There’s Kimo dressed in his finest threads being dumped on, literally, by a misbehaved and sick child and a clueless mother. It is a frightful scene!

Scene one comes to an end leaving me with the thought, “Poor parenting is an epidemic in this country,” and I’m nodding my head in agreement with Kimo knowing full well those children grow up into adults, many never learn good manners and they are present in just about every restaurant, church, theater, museum, and in our schools as well where Teachers are not permitted to discipline without following their guidebook from the Department of Education and then we wonder why kids are blowing up schools, other children, and getting away with murder.

I'm sure Debb Janes and many others in the RAIN would like to know too! 

Amanda S. Davidson - I have to agree and add some people are very good at deceiving others and they make it part of their life story impacting the lives of others.

Roy Kelley - I'm clapping because I agree. It's those basic etiquette skills that are lacking. I went to a private school and in those elementary years, every year we received a new "Common Courtesy," book and we were graded on our behavior too!

Ron & Alexandra Seigel - I already know you're life outside the U.S. was different but it didn't change you when you came to live and work in America. I'm sure you have many stories of your own, just like Kimo Stowell. 

Thank you Noah Seidenberg. I never had a brother growing up in Chicago, but if I could have picked one, it would have been you. I really do believe I was humbled living so close to the Loop and working in Downtown; then moving to Logan Square when I got married, Wrightwood and Diversity, and finally Lake County, IL. My parents and my school taught me manners. 

Debbie Reynolds - deep thoughts but necessary. We all have stories. Did you read Kimo Stowell. He is someone worth following and getting to know.  

Grant Schneider - There is definitely a distinction between science and art and you know this well and you teach it! Thank you for your comments. They always add value and most appreciated.

Nina Hollander - I think we could talk about this topic for a long time. We see a lot in our business, don't we? I think the Ethics classes could be improved. I was just talking to a peer several counties away about business and etiquette came up and it had nothing to do with this AR post.  

Debb Janes - Thank you! Kimo Stowell is really an amazing person with multiple talents. He definitely weaved a great story here. He's truly an inspiration and you are too.