First, let me just say that the final transformation is pretty much Active Rain's fault.  And even if it isn't really, let me believe that it is because I have to blame someone.  So tonight, that would be all of you.

I never meant to be one of them, but it happened slowly, and it wasn't until tonight that I realized that I had done just what I never wanted to do.  I became one of them.

Those of you who have been married to military will know who I am talking about...  It's those wives!

You know the ones I'm talking about.  One month after their partner gets home from a deployment or an underway period, you hear them moan, "When is he going to sea again?"  And you are shocked and horrified...

At least I always was. How could they say that?  Didn't they love their spouses?  How could they not want their husbands home every night, to have dinner with, give the little one a bath and tuck them into bed, then cuddle up with and fall asleep themselves?  Was there no love there?  Could those women really be that heartless and cold?

And then it began.  At about year four (right after I had the baby three months early and found out that hubby would not have duty for the next year) I began to think "It sure would be nice if he had duty again once in a while."  I didn't feel bad thinking it. 

For the non-navy readers, duty usually requires a servicemember to stay away from family for at least one full day and night, usually sleeping on the ship or boat.  Some spouses get phone calls and lots of email during duty days.  I'm lucky to get a good night phone call, and sometimes that's ok. 

I had taken that year off from real estate to stay home with our miracle child.  The navy had moved us to Fort Leavenworth, Kansas.  It was a lovely town and I made some phenomenal friends there, like my Karens.  However, it was also a hard time for me.  Because I wasn't working, I tried to compensate for my lack of income in other ways, and of course overdid it.  I identified so much with being a Realtor, that when I took time off I lost part of my identity.  I looked to my husband for approval, and knocked myself out trying to get it.  The house was spotless, the laundry done, the beds even got made.  I shopped, I volunteered, I played with baby Adam, and I was exhausted. 

When I realized how much I was doing, I dreamed of a night of duty, so I could leave the dirty dishes in the sink and the beds unmade.  It had nothing to do with him, it was me.  I didn't love my husband less, I just had other things to do.

Then we moved again, this time to California.  I began working again, got my identity back, became as busy as ever.  However, by then, I couldn't stop being happy about duty days.  

One night, every week or so, I got to spend an evening alone with my son.  After a hard day of work and babysitters, the zoo, the beach and real estate, it was just the two of us, eating mac and cheese, snuggling under the covers watching the Wiggles as Adam fell asleep against mama in mama's bed.  It was nice! 

And I didn't feel guilty about it at all.  I didn't love my husband less, I just had other things to do.

And now we've been back in Kitsap County, Washington for nine months.  As soon as we arrived home, my husband was sent to school for six weeks.  I was afraid at first.  Afraid of being alone for so long again, afraid of being alone with Adam, caring for him by myself.  Many of my old friends had moved away.  I had my parents here, but who else could I turn to for help if I needed it?  And with my health problems, I was sure I would need it.

And the biggest thing?  What would I do about working?  Of course I would re-ignite my real estate career here.  I love real estate in Bremerton and Kitsap County!  How could I not get back into it full time?

But I was afraid.  I have always been successful.  I have rarely failed at something, even when I was a child.  What if I failed at being a successful real estate agent again?  What if I failed at being a good navy wife?  What if I was a lousy daughter?  (I've done if before, I'm sure I'll do it again.)  Worst of all, what if I failed to be a good mother to my miracle boy?

What I had forgotten is that I am never alone for long.  I always make friends.  Good friends!  And my parents have been a godsend to me.  I knew I moved home for the right reasons.  The Kitsap Moms Meetup group that I started for moms and kids in Kitsap County has been life- and sanity-saving, for me and others.  I've made some great friends there, like Jessica and Naya and Alexis and Adriane and Erin and, well, the list goes on.  And one of the best surprises of all was that I didn't have to make a lot of new friends, I had left behind people who were best friends, like Barbara and Carla.  I didn't love my husband less, I just had other things to do.

But all of that doesn't mean that I don't look forward to duty days still....

The six weeks while hubby was in school really wasn't that bad.  Adam and I got into a routine. Yes, we were tired a lot.  We were hardly ever home. But when we did get home at 8 at night, he was always in bed within an hour, snuggled beside me, fast asleep while I worked or played on the computer.  And that's where the trouble really lies.

Hubby is getting ready to go again, at least for a bit.  And if I said I was dreading it, I would be lying.  In a way, I'm kind of looking forward to it. 

When he goes, Adam and I will once again find our routine.  I'll have what I want for dinner, and I'll probably feed Adam too much junk and fast food.  And at 8 at night, Adam will be in bed asleep beside me.  And where will I be?  Propped in bed next to him on the computer, either returning emails, on the Multiple Listing Service, or here on Active Rain.

You see? When my husband is home. I have to make other things a priority, like making sure he has a clean uniform, or making sure we have food for his lunches, or sometimes I even plan a homecooked dinner.  Many days I try to beat him home, so his family can welcome him home with love, hugs and kisses.  My time to work diminishes a little, and I can see the results of that dedicated time in my commission checks - they tend to be farther and fewer between.

You may have noticed that my dedication to my blog and to Active Rain comes in spurts.  Some weeks I am all over it!  Blogging every couple of days, getting on Active Rain almost every night.  And I like it.  Then there will be weeks with very little activity here.  Hubby's home...

Sometimes I wait for him to fall asleep, then turn on the bedside lamp and pull out the laptop I have stashed under the bed.  I hit the mute button before I turn it on, so it doesn't make that horrible musical-but-not-musical noise when the screen lights up.  I feel like a drunk with a bottle hidden in the bedside drawer.  Real estate in general and Active Rain in particular can be a form of addiction, I'm sure!

So when hubby goes to sea or to a conference or to school, I can spend more time on my career, with my clients and on marketing.  I can spend more time in the office.  In the evenings, Adam and I can come home and pop "Ice Age 2" into the DVD player in my office, Adam sitting in the armchair I put there just for those occassions and I can sit at the computer. 

And at night?  Adam can sleep beside me, and I can blog, comment on others blogs, learn about new technology, new marketing ideas that will help sell my listings and attract new clients.  And I can do it all here, on Active Rain. 

It's been almost eight years now that we've been married.  My love for my husband has not lessened at all.  It has actually grown deeper and has matured.  I can't imagine not having him in my life.  We plan our retirement together, where will we travel, talk about our "someday" waterfront home and which expensive car we will buy then. 

I do look forward to him coming home from deployments and underways, because when he is gone I truly do miss him.  But then, he forgets to take out the garbage, or argues with me about when the car needs to go into the shop, and I find myself thinking, "When do you leave again?"

I have become one of those wives.  When is he leaving again?  I don't love my husband less, I just have other things to do.

Like play in the Rain....