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Talking people off the ledge

By Barry Owen

Real Estate Broker/Owner with Pareto Realty TN #251071

April 22, 2008 02:27 PM

So - What do you you do when one of your clients hints at thoughts of "Draconian" actions?

Suicide or otherwise life threatening actions to self or others can surface when people face for the first time in their lives the "embarrassment" of financial ruin whether it be due to overextending themselves with a residential purchase or miring themselves in a quagmire of unprofitable investments in a sinking market.

What do you say when one of your clients tells you he is contemplating the "easy way out"

The first gut reaction is to find some help. Certainly, very few REALTORS are qualified to deal with these scenarios. Real estate school did not teach us this level of psychiatric counseling even though we have spent years dealing with fragile psyches.

We feel the need to save these folks from themselves. Graphic Images from media past flash into our minds. If we can't talk some sense into this client, we may wake up in the morning to a news story that we might have had the opportunity to avert.

What to do?

I was called by an associate facing this dilemma tonight.

The good news is that few people talk about such drastic action and then actually do it . . . but don't take that to the bank. He wanted to know what to do?

I had a few tips:

I guess you could take it to the "authorities" and let them intervene - This might not be the best scenario because that level of intervention might just push them off the ledge instead of talking them down.

Better?

Remind him/her that this challenge is just an event in their life that will pass and is insignificant as compared to a full life with family and FRIENDS.

Ask about "best friends" - Who are they and how can THEY help?

Remind them that they are LOVED.

One thing I know is that most folks at that level of distress will confide most easily to their best friends - BEFORE FAMILY - because going to family means eating some crow and showing weakness.

Whatever you do - Do NOT let yourself get sucked into their drama - Simply Create a safe space for dialogue and discover the value of life together - and encourage the person to seek professional support.

This is probably the toughest work we can do. I have had the unpleasant happening of 4 acquaintances committing suicide in the past 18 months. There was NO warning for ANY of them . . . and they were all people I spoke with just a matter of days or hours before their suicide . . . There are no words that can describe the fall-out from such happenings when young children and families suddenly find themselves "alone"

My message here is not one of pity or of a call to to get you to learn to be a savior - This is a call to find compassion and enough love within you to pick up on truly lost souls and offer them the simple guidance to seek out those people in their worlds who will in a non-judgmental way affirm their WORTH.

And remember - we are REALTORS - not pysychiatrists - don't carry this weight on you own shoulders if/when it surfaces.

Barry Owen

Principal Broker & Productivity Coach

Keller Williams Realty - Nashville, TN - Green Hill

www.theowengroup.net

www.creatingspaces.blogspot.com

Simply & BOLDLY living the fourfold way in Open Space!

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Todd Tillman

Coldwell Banker Premier Real Estate - Valdosta, GA

Good article w/ some real life stuff. Thanks for having the guts to admit the (VERY) dark side of challenging times...

Apr 22, 2008 02:46 PM

Beth Camp

Century 21 Adams-Walker - Concord, GA

Barry- I was a 911 operator for 4 years (while in college) and have a degree in psychology. Even with my background, the only option is not to leave the person alone. If someone even mentions suicide, tell them that you are with them and will not leave until they talk to someone who is qualified to help. That could be a police officer, a paramedic, a counselor, clergy, or a doctor. You are right, Realtors are not qualified to do anything but make sure a higher level of care is provided.

Apr 22, 2008 03:00 PM

Ron Tarvin

Residential, Investment properties, rehab projects, property management, luxury homes, new construction! - Katy, TX

Broker, Katy, Houston, Cypress 77450,77494,77095

I have a bachelor's in Psychology and worked suicide prevention hotline for about three years as a volunteer. I have been in very real situations where the person was in danger and in some where the danger was not so great, but one thing I can tell you is that NOTHING can prepare you for the one that you couldn't help and giving this information as if REALTORS®, regardless of how caring they are, were prepared for such an event is a bad idea. If you get that call and the person DOES take their own life, you need to seek help as well. It's not something that we can handle on our own and all the reminders that you are not the one to blame are empty when faced with "I'm the one he reached out to and I failed" playing on your mind. A very sad and dark subject, but obviously one close to home for you right now Barry. Please don't hesitate to seek a professional to talk to as well...

Apr 22, 2008 03:24 PM

Pareto Realty - Nashville, TN

Hi Ron,

Thank you for your comments on this blog post last night. I certainly thought about things before I published that one . . . the reason I did it was that REALTORS sometimes hear things from clients who they don't know very well and have no contact with friends or family and may not even know where they are - In this case, the client lives in another state and the REALTOR in my office does not know any of the person's friends or family. I did encourage him to encourage that person to seek professional advice and to avoid acting as a "Psychological Counselor" . . .

I guess the point of the blog was/is that these things arise in the lives of REALTORS as we deal with people in the midst of Divorce or other personal trauma that leads to the need to buy or sell real property (Houses).

A clarification - My comment about the people I know who committed suicide recently - NONE of these folks told ANYONE of their intentions - They each simple did it as theywere going about their day. My only connection/conversation with any of them was casual conversation and business relationships.

I appreciate any and all comments on this topics from "trained professionals" - I believe this "dark side" of our business should have some "air"

Best,

Apr 22, 2008 11:46 PM

My apologies Barry. My initial reaction was to jump in the middle of this with both feet and then I went back and self analyzed my comments. I did not change the part in the middle that was still in "attack" mode so to speak. The phrase that I used "but one thing I can tell you is that NOTHING can prepare you for the one that you couldn't help and giving this information as if REALTORS®, regardless of how caring they are, were prepared for such an event is a bad idea." was the wrong tone for the direction of your post and I appreciate the fact that you got the word out that you CAN encounter this in our day to day lives!

Apr 23, 2008 01:27 AM

Talking people off the ledge

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