Welcome to yet another edition of the Grab Bag, this week featuring Weird Twitter.
Full disclosure - there are no Mother's Day tweets below - that was just a cynical and exploitative move to get your eyeballs on here, so if that's really why you clicked on this, you're out of luck. Rather than whine or complain about it, why don't you give your mom a call and tell her how much she means to you - she'll really appreciate it. Or if you're a mom, give yourself a pat on the back - you deserve it.
Meanwhile, here's the best we could do for non-partisan weird humor, an increasingly rare commodity.
Please enjoy responsibly.
Treat other people like they know where you live.
—@steveolivas
And the award for “Most jumping spiders stuffed into a flat, paper receptacle” goes to... squints, leans head away opening envelope
— @vladchoc
Imagine creating a lifetime of questions and bewilderment for someone by breaking into their house and putting a ham in their bathtub.
— @CelebrityChez
I'm not politically correct. I'm just trying to not be an asshole to other people. Stop overthinking it.
— @SamGrittner
I'd like to announce that my big toe shall henceforth be known as Ground Thumb.
— @SpaceGirlK
Capitalization can really change a sentence.
Example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.
— @thenatewolf
ME: (unthawing Walt Disney) You need to draw pants for that duck.
— @Tommytoughstuff
If I'm faced with a problem, I always take a step back, think a second, and ask myself, "How would someone with coping skills handle this"
— @bridger_w
Me [bursting in]: QUICK does any1 have a wrapper from a KitKat bar?!
People: w-why?
Me: there's [panting] there's sometimes KitKats in them
—@dubiousrhetoric
Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.
—@thenatewolf
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
—@Cpin42
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