Ring.....ring......(a computer answers the phone)
ATT Computer: Hello. You have reached the ATT customer service line. Please say or enter your ten digit phone number so that we may be able to access your account.
God: (plugs his number in)
ATT Computer: Thank you, so that I may better assist you please select the option that best suits your needs. Press 1 if you would like to find out about ATT money saving offers, press 2 if you would like to find out more about ATT internet solutions, press 3 if you've received......press 27 for technical assistance.
God: presses 27
ATT Computer: Thank you, please listen to all of the options as our menus may have changed. Press 1 if you're having problems with your phone service, press 2 if you're having problems with your internet service....press 27 if you're having problems with your with your ATT teristorial climate settings.
God: presses 27
ATT Computer: Great! In order to provide the very best in customer service please answer a few simple questions, you can say "yes" "no" or "I don't know". Let's give this a try!
God: (exasperated) I just want to talk to a live person!
ATT Computer: I didn't quite get that...Let's start over....In order to provide the very best in customer service, I need to ask you a few questions.....you can say, "yes"...
God: Presses the "0" key.
ATT Computer: Hmmmm, I didn't quite get that! Let's try it this way.....in order to provide you with the very best in customer service, I'll need to ask you a few questions....
God: Presses the "O" key repeatedly
ATT Computer: My fault, I didn't understand your reponse...please answer a few questions...
God: (as he mashes the "0" button as well as the "#" and "*" buttons) "I just want to speak with a live person!!!!!! This goes on for 20 more attempts......
ATT Computer: Again, I didn't quite get that.....I'll transfer you to an ATT representative who may be able to better assist you...you may hear a series of beeps while I transfer the call...please don't hang up! ;-)
God: If I didn't freaking hang up by now....do you really think that I'd hang up now??????
ATT Representative: (in a thick Indian Accent) Hello, thank you for calling ATT my name is Haj and I'm here to give you the very best in customer service...how may I help you?
God: Whew! Thank Heaven I've got through to you! That automated system is really kind of a pain!
(interrupting) ATT Representative: Thank you for calling ATT my name is Haj and I'm here to give you the very best in customer service, how may I help you....
God: (Realizing that he should get right down to business)..Umm, yeah...I've got a problem with a planet that I purchased from you..
(interrupting)ATT Representatvie: May I have the phone number of the planet that you are calling about?
God: ahh, yeah...I punched it in on the automated service.
(interupting) ATT Representative: ahhh yes.....I understand....may I please have the number of the planet that you are calling about.
God: Yeah....it's 555-555-1212.
ATT Representative: that's 555-555-2121?
God: Ahhhh, no...it's 555-555-1212.
ATT Representative: My apologies..that' 555-433-1212, correct?
God: Nooooo, it's 555-555-1212!
ATT Representative: My apologies again....that's 555-555-2121, correct?
God: NOOOOO! (thunder booming in the background)...it's 555-555-1212!
ATT Representative: Oh, I see, that's 555-555-1212...is that correct?
God: YES!
ATT Representative: Good....may I have a number to call you back in case we're disconnected?
God: (losing patience) Okay...you can reach me on my cell
(interupting) ATT Repesentative: and that number would be?
God: If you gave me a second, I would have told you! (Lightning crackling as God's temper flares)
ATT Representative: I understand....in an effort to give the very best in customer service, may I have a number to call you back in case we're disconnected?
God: (loses it and the ATT Representative drops dead and turns into a pillar of ash)...the line goes dead.
God: Calls back in.
ATT Computer: Hello. You have reached the ATT customer service line. Please say or enter your ten digit phone number so that we may be able to access your account.
God: Goes throught the 57 steps it takes to get to a live person...during which he hears the computer tell him no less than 103 times how ATT wants to provide him the VERY BEST in customer service. After his call gets through to a live representative who also speaks with a strong Indian accent and who mispronounces his name 17 times, his call is dropped. He goes through the automated service 3 more times including all 57 steps and each time the representative disconnects his call and does not call him back. On the fifth attempt he gets through to a live person who speaks with an American accent...
ATT Representative: Hello, my name is Hank, How can I help you?
God: You're shxtting me, right? This is really a life person who understands English? Wow, what a freaking concept! (the veins on his head pulsing, his heart racing, God attempts to calm himself....) Hank, I've got a problem with Earth....it's starting to overheat...
ATT Representative: Hmmm, let me ask you...are you still running Earth on Earth 1.0?
God: Ahhhh, I really don't know?
ATT Representative: Thanks okay.....let's try it this way......can you click on the "about" button?
God: ummm, where would that be?
ATT Representative: Click on the help key and then go to the "about" key...do you see it?
God: Ohhh, yeah...there it is...yeah, Earth 1.0...that's what it says...
ATT Representative: That's your problem! You're still running earth on a carbon based system....you're going to need to upgrade to a hydrogen based system or the planet is going to burn up! If you like, I can do that for you remotely.....would that be okay....
God: That would be wonderful! Hey, if you don't mind I'll put a good word in with the pope and you'll be our next saint! How does that sound Saint Hank?
Can you tell that I had problems with ATT's customer service?
Bob Mitchell
ValueList Real Estate Services, Inc.
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