I'm overwhelmed with your good wishes this morning (Thanks, Praful, Ron & Alexandra for the Q&A mentions!) and felt that the only proper response would be a Grab Bag post to express my appreciation for everyone's thoughtfulness here, on FB and many e-mails - you have added a lot to an already special day!
Luckily, my Twitter account had some bookmarked tweets almost suitable for public consumption. As always, please enjoy responsibly.
🙉🙈🙊 🙉🙈🙊 🙉🙈🙊 🙉🙈🙊 🙉🙈🙊
If pigs could fly, I’d eat their wings.
In retrospect, "because it tastes like bacon" probably wasn't the best answer to my toddlers question of why the dog licks himself down there
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn't real, and it's been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it.
Everything happens for a reason. A lot of times, the reason is that you f***ed up
From the makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter™, Introducing:
-It Might Be Bread
-Let's Just Say It's Cream Cheese
-It Almost Tastes Like Jam
-Sure, it's "Maple Syrup"
-Smells A Bit Like Eggs
*Burrito falls on kitchen floor and explodes*
The Five Stages of Grief:
2. Eat burrito off floor
3. Denial that I ate a burrito off filthy kitchen floor
5. Wish I had another floor burrito