Husbands, Back Seat Drivers, Family Functions... A Rant!

My mom is visiting and our family was invited to a friend's graduation party.  Getting out of the house with my mother, my husband and two sons was like attempting to put a skittish 25 pound cat in a gerbil carrier.  My husband is always first out the door... of course he is... he has only himself to get ready.  For some inexplicable reason, this man always sits in the backseat with the kids.  Yesterday was no exception with the possible excuse that it is easier for my 75 year old mother to get in and out of the front seat than it is for her to get out of the backseat.

Okay, so now my husband is sitting alone in my car.  In the backseat.  Next out the door is my mom.  My mom is also hearing impaired (most of you know that I am).  We both wear two hearing aides.  The only difference between us is that I NEVER WEAR MY HEARING AIDES AROUND MY FAMILY.   I love them and all, but these people have the ability to drive me absolutely CRAZY!!  Admittedly, it's a very short drive to crazy for me, but we could make the trip in 1/2 the time if I could actually hear everything they were saying.  Okay, so it's 95 degrees in my garage and my husband and mother are sitting in my car and I have the keys... so I'm sure it's getting a little hot out there. 

Mike, the 18 year old starts looking for his socks.  Not just any pair of socks, but the socks he apparently had on earlier that he took off to go in the pool.  These are the socks he wants.  No other pair will do.  Have I mentioned that the party started at 5:00 and it is now 6:15 (I had to meet a client at the last minute to extend a home inspection contingency on a deal that is probably falling apart as I type this).  I go in the laundry room, and Max, the 11 year old follows me in.  He is already in sneakers and socks but spies his sandals.  Oh, I'll wear these he says, taking 5 minutes to take his sneakers and socks off and slip into his sandals.  Out the door he goes. 

Now my mom, my husband (in the back seat) and Max, also in the back seat are waiting in the car.  Mike is still looking for the elusive pair of socks that he probably shouldn't be re wearing. 

Now I am in the car with my mom, my husband (in the back seat), and Max.  It is so hot in the car I am surprised that these people aren't passed out from heat exhaustion.  I start the car, turn on the a/c and wonder aloud what the hell is taking Michael so long to get a damn pair of socks.  Max offers to get him.  Jack, have I mentioned that he is in the backseat, yells that Max should stay right there.  I beep the horn.  I see Mike pass by the laundry room window but another few minutes go by and he is still not in the car.  I beep again.  Max manages to slip out of the car in search of his brother.  Holy cow! 

Another few minutes go by and out comes Max.  Alone.  Mike has still not found his socks.  I beep the horn again.  Ahh, here he comes.  You might think he would be hurrying, but you would have to think again.  Mike doesn't walk so much as stroll.  Slowly.

Okay, we are on our way.  Mike and Max start their usual bickering over who is taking up more room.  Jack starts yelling at them.  I have turned on my GPS and Jack informs me that I won't need it, he knows the way.  I HATE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO, so I say, that's nice, but I'd rather have my GPS on  Without thinking about the shore traffic, I head turned 202.  When I am on the road I wonder aloud why I am going that way as I may get stuck in traffic.  Jack starts saying he doesn't know why I was going that way either as he told me to turn right when I was turning left.   Of course I didn't hear him over the sound of the kids arguing and the fact that I was not wearing my hearing aides. 

I turn the car around and we are on the way.  Just before every turn I need to make, and before my GPS can tell me where to go, my husband from the backseat is yelling out the directions.  My mother informs everyone in the car not to bother to try to talk to her because she is turning off her hearing aides.  We continue the rest of the way with my mom smiling at me because she can't hear a word I'm saying and my husband shouting driving directions at me to prove to me that although I have a GPS, he knows the way.  The drive to crazy was very fast indeed today.  Gloria Pees-So-Often, the name I gave my GPS (I know where every bathroom is in the state of Pennsylvania) does an admirable job getting me to my destination.  Jack did indeed know the way but I would rather stick pins in my eyes that acknowledge that at this point.

Ahh... we are here.  Where's the bar??