We are dealing with a mouse of incredible mental and physical capabilities at our family rice farm, which happens to be the headquarters for "Feature This... "
First of all, yes, it is a mouse. We have statements from several witnesses, all of whom describe a fairly non-descript mouse of average height and proportion, with dark hair and eyes, and a swarthy complexion. No definative ethnic origin could be ascertained, as this suspect is very quick and seems to prefer to strike under the cover of darkness in the wee hours of the morning.
His modus operandi includes leaving appropriately-sized evidence at the scene of his super-villanous crimes.
He has thwarted our efforts by taking the bait from no less that 18 mousetraps without triggering a single one.
He has stolen two large 2"x2" poison cakes from the vicinity of the kitchen, only to continue his one-mouse crime wave for well over three weeks.
He has vandalized several Tupperware containers, absconding with one container entirely. (???)
He has been linked to a serial kidnapping of no less than six cherry tomatoes, stem and all.
<-------- Kidnapping Crime Scene Photos
He is suspected in the torture and mutilation, possible hate crime against a houseplant, who has installed a security device to deter further acts of victimization.
The houseplant is considering putting down roots in another location entirely, and states "This used to be a nice neighborhood, where I felt my leaves and I could thrive in a nurturing environment. But now, seemingly overnight, things have changed around here."
Other descriptions from witnesses say the suspect sports no gang insignias or tattoos. Some say he has several gold front teeth. However, investigators consider this a false description, as shredded gold candy wrappers were found at one scene.
Gold Wrappers-------------------------------------->
Authorities are still actively seeking to apprehend this destructive, dangerous, and highly elusive criminal. 
If you have any information, contact the
newly-apointed Detective Maurice of Rodent-Related Crime Investigation Unit.
Other crimes that may be related to this suspect include one missing slipper, and a report of breaking and entering a can of cashews.
If you have any information related to the crimes listed here, Detective Maurice assures you that all leads will be given a thorough investigation and that your identity will be protected.
Photo:Detective Maurice hard at work on this case.
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