By all outward appearances my father wasn't a model father. During the entire time that I knew him he battled with the bottle. At best, fighting it to a draw for periods of time ranging from a day to a couple of years at one point.
He was also a con man of sorts who traveled around doing whatever he could to make a living. If that meant cutting rubber bands out of car inner tubes to sell to the moving van drivers or lifting somebody's charge card, that's what he did. At one point he sold bibles while underneath the bibles that were in the trunk of his car, he had hidden the whiskey that he was running into a dry county.
For years, I was ashamed of him. I still remember one day that he showed up while I was playing basketball with my buddies. He was drunk, his clothes were dirty and he stunk.
I was horrified as I left with him and could hear my "buddies" laughing as we went.
He hurt me in untold ways including one time when he took my bicycle to have it "fixed". When he disappeared, which was his habit, I walked about 8 miles to the bicycle shop that he had taken it to only to find out that he hadn't taken it there to get it fixed. He had taken it there to sell it to them in order to get enough money to buy some booze.
To say that I was pissed at him would be a world class understatement. My anger was something that I carried around with me until I was in my early 30's. That's when I had an epiphany of sorts.
I stumbled across the philosophy of "Acceptance and Forgiveness". That is, that you have to be willing and able to accept reality as it is and not as you would want it to be. And that you have to be willing and able to forgive those who trespass against you.
While I was in the process of wrapping my head around this new philosophy I went to visit my father's grave site. While I was there I had another epiphany of sorts. I realized that, while he might not have been the best father, that he had done the best that he could.
Realizing this allowed me to get past all the negative memories which if you had asked me about him before this moment is all that I would have had of him. It allowed me to think about all of the good things that he brought to my life.
Yeah, he sold my bicycle, but he also took me to all 48 continental United States before I was 12 years old! He also taught me all kinds of "man things" like how to cover my chin when throwing a jab.
Even when he was fighting his demons and losing, he never stopped pumping me up. He told me that there wasn't anything that I couldn't accomplish in my life if I worked towards it.
As I stood there over his grave, I realized that he didn't have to come back to get me, but he did. And he didn't have to take me with him either, but he did that too.
People sometimes think that I'm bullshxtting them when I tell of some of the adventures that we had on those trips....getting invited into the Cardinals broadcasting booth where I found out that my dad knew Harry Carey.
Or being taken up in a small airplane after my dad rebuilt the engine for the owner. Even doing CPR on him when he had his first heart attack and then hearing him tell me exactly what I had done from the vantage point of being on the ceiling where he was having an out of body experience.
I'm 47 now and I've left all the anger behind me. I find myself thinking of him from time to time such as when I see my son stand up to authority or when he covers his chin while throwing a jab at the heavy bag...I wouldn't have known to teach him that if it hadn't been for my dad.
They say that hindsight is 20/20 and to be honest, I'm kind of glad that isn't always true. Because when I look back at my father I see a man who always tried. Who always made the effort to make sure that I knew that I was awsome. No, he wasn't perfect, but he was my dad and for that, I'm glad.
R.B. "Bob" Mitchell
ValueList Real Estate Services, Inc.
Bob Mitchell is president of ValueList Real Estate Services, St. Louis' largest discount/full-service real estate and mortgage company. If you would like to find out more about Bob, ValueList or our flat-fee listing program, please feel free to visit our web site at valuelistre.com
Bob Mitchell - Realtor St. Louis
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Bob,
What a great story and a great lesson. I too have found that acceptance of other peoples limitations and forgiveness of their weaknesses makes me stronger. Its heartening to read that I am not the only one who knows what it means to accept and forgive. Happy father's day to you.
Ray