Wow!

Makes us stop and think about not only ourselves, but others.  Sometimes what we see, isn't really what we are getting....

Thank you for making me take a moment to try to "not" forget next time!

Paul.... I'm sorry --- but, do not go there --- it is obvious you went above and beyond-- 

I must say... you write beautifully -  

Oh Paul, I know how you feel. Relief and sadness......

Paul - I admire you for putting that on paper, that took a lot of heart. 

Paul - Do not beat yourself up over this....I know you feel horrible over what happened, but how could you be expected to know what was going on in his life?  You had a business relationship, or at most a casual friendship.

He had problems that were too big for you to fix, no matter how much you think you could have. Make your peace with it, Paul.

Wow, I saw that on the front page and I thought you were taking to me ... but I am still here.

I do have the engineering background so I got several sentences into this before I realized I don't even know you, although we are in the same town.

Safe to say that all he wanted was a friend, no doubt.  But, don't beat yourself up.  Since you did spend the hours on the phone, he probably felt as though he did have a friend and that, in itself, made some of his days a little more bearable. 

Paul, I've learned in my lifetime you can't stop people from being people. You never really know where someone is in their head. Let it go..

All:  I'll try to respond to everyone individually later, but just wanted to note something.  I appreciate the notion of not beating myself up over this.  Just to clarify, I do not feel guilt, but I do mourn a lost opportunity to be a positive force rather than an indifferent one.  I will learn from this.

Hi Paul...Each one of us is so complex.  It is hard to even understand ourselves sometimes let alone another.  You touched his life or else he would not have expected so much from you.  You gave what you could and he took what he could.  It probably never would have been enough.  Bill had other demons he couldn't handle.

Please take care,

Kathleen

Wow.  That did not go the way I thought it was going to.  I am so sorry. 

Paul, you can't totally get in someone else's head. Sounds like a lot of internal misery and maybe identity crisis, but a tragic end. Maybe he could not connect on an emotional level with anyone. I think Kathleen had it right with the demons in the mind.

The horrible tragedy you describe enters every life at one time or another, sometimes more than once.  We've been the call dreaders, the eye rollers, the frustrated begrudgers reluctantly taking the calls.  If we are lucky, the voice at the other end just fades away.  When we are not, the voice ends abruptly, too young, too soon by our standards.  Too late by theirs.

The whys and what-ifs will never be answered to our satisfaction.  We are not there, and for that we have to be grateful, because we could be.  Any of us. 

And when it's someone close, it's even worse.

Lenn is right, Paul.  You were there when he called and may have been a great positive to him.  His path was his own and he made his choice.  May his soul find peace.

Paul:  Quite the poignant story and you wrote it so beautifully.  I will say, I've had those clients that I KNEW that if I didn't answer the phone call, by the time I took the time to answer my voicemail that they left and phoned them back, they'd have more questions and it would take even longer--thus, 'steeling' myself for the LONG phone calls!  Don't feel guilty about the frustration--there's nothing about your feelings that are 'wrong' and certainly if his calls generated those feelings in you, you're entitled them--they're YOURS.

Paul, I am married to one of those "Highly intelligent engineers" and I totally know what you had to go through, but I love him anyway.

But Paul, you don't know!  You may have been more of a positive force than you realize, you don't know and won't know at this point.  Either way, it's great that we learn lessons.  It's a sad way to learn one, but.  Lenn is probably correct is how she summed it up.  Maybe you could have recognized his pain, but...  You're a good man Paul and we all know that.  You've shown us only too well who and what you are.  Indifferent?  So maybe you were at times, but then look at all of the other times that you gave of yourself.  Enough!!

Paul, I think I can imagine how you feel.  But having spent the better part of my life trying to be a positive force for my dad and never fully succeeding, I'm sure that however you were there for him was far better than anything else that was going on in this poor man's life.  His demons needed to be faced by him alone, and only he could have conquered them.  This is a very sad story and beautifully written, as always.

Paul, even though you may have been feeling "indifferent," or wishing you were free of this individual, it sounds as if your actions spoke differently...you went above and beyond what you needed to do, and my guess is, he did see you as a positive force.  You could have done nothing more.

I'm glad to see you write that you are not feeling guilty, since that is definitely something that doesn't belong on your shoulders.  It's sand discouraging that Bill couldn't cope and that too many others will follow in his footsteps.

I've actually decided not to keep up on individual comments on this one.  I hope no one takes offense.  It's still a bit recent, and I would be pretty much saying the same things in my replies.  I think I wrote this because I really didn't know what to feel when I first heard the news.  We weren't close, and it was such an arduous process to bring the house to market and ultimately sell it that I really was thrilled to close that chapter in my professional life.  Then several months later ... this.  Guilt is not what I feel, nor is it regret really.  I'm simply sorry.  His was an evidently lonely existence, and I could not have saved him.  I'm just sorry.  That's all.

Thank you all for your thoughtfulness.

Paul you are not just an amazing writer, you show your heart and the conflict so brilliantly. An amazingly sad but awesome story. And it reflects the honesty and integrity of who we are as REALTORS, Counselors, Therapists and you name it we are expected to be able to play that role. Yes we are not licensed to do most of these things, but we also know what is often thrust upon us, prepared or not. And that is the truth whether we say we are not a lawyer or an accountant or a contractor or any of the myriad of things we are needed for.   Brilliant and moving!

PAUL - I bet that he didn't even think that you were rolling your eyes or dreading the call.  He probably looked forward to your conversations, and never thought about the fact that you may be annoyed.  He was clearly troubled, and there probably isn't much more that you could have done.  You were a friend to him, even if you didn't reciprocate the feelings.

Geez Paul way to make me laugh hard and then rip out my heart all in the same post.  This is so very true...sometimes people just need a friend.

What a story.  All the comments say things I want to say also.  You were a friend and we do play a big part in people's lives during a stressful time.  Whether happy or sad about buying or selling, it is always a stressful time for them.  We must take our parts seriously and remember we are dealing with people.  You did all you could.  Thanks for sharing.

Paul, 

Just when I vowed I was 'through' with a particular client you had to come along and write this post.  Thank you, and the next time my client calls I won't mention real estate, but I will listen with my heart.

Dammit, Paul...I just don't know what to say.

Wait, yes I do...Whatever sadness or despair was in his world, I am sure you cracked Bill up and made his day brighter more times than you ever intended.  It's just how you roll and you can't help it.

Hey Paul, Just one question....during those hours and hours of conversation...when did he ever ask what was going on in your life??? When did he call you to find out how that big deal went or wish your kids a happy birthday or ever encourage you to lean on him for any other reason other than business reasons?  If he had made a connection with you and offered something instead of just taking...you would've willingly taken those calls happily.

YOU WERE a friend and a ridiculously great Realtor to him problem was, he wasn't a very good friend to you and maybe that inlays the problem as to why maybe he felt so alone. It goes both ways my dear. :)

People come in and out of our lives for a reason. Sometimes it is just to make us think. Do we ever really know anyone? Some people barely know themselves. It sounds like he spent his whole life searching...maybe he finally found the peace he was looking for.

Paul - I remember when we talked about this event awhile back.  Clearly, Bill was haunted by demons that we will never fully understand.  As with some of the other comments above, I will state that you went above and beyond in trying to help him.  You may be right that he just wanted a friend, but it is hard to serve as the sole friend for anyone, unless you are in the same boat.

Paul, I've had a few actual friends in my lifetime who needed a positive influence:  ill with drug or alcohol addiction, depression, etc.  I've done my best to be a friend to them, but at some point, I've pulled back in order to live my own life free of the energy/soul/life sucking demands this sort of relationship involves.  I feel bad for them, empathize with them, wish them the best...but my life is free of the demons they battle.  I certainly don't want to bring those demons into my world.  Beautifully written post. 

Paul, you did more than most people would do, had more patience than most people would have, you're a great person!

Indifference....  That was the perfect word.  I felt the same way about an agent I knew who put a bullet in his head the day after I was too busy to stop and chat.  It made me wonder how many people didn't stop for that chat in the time leading up to his decision.  It is a reminder and I slow down a lot more now when it comes to people who want my time.

Sorry you had that experience.

Oh, My dear dear Paul - I am so sorry...

Paul, thank you for this post...don't beat yourself up. You don't know if drugs were involved, causing something irrational to end his life...lives like Bill's are knotty, laced with craziness...there is so much you will never know.

You cannot be all things to all people. They call that deity God.

wow Paul, what a story

Wow, Paul, this was very sad! We never do know about others do we? What a very nice apology...;-)

Paul, misplaced guilt can diminish the quality of your own life. You are not a mind reader so don't beat yourself up. Guilt is normal and natural for those of us that are left behind but the bottom line is that we are all responsible for our own existence.

The resistance you may have been feeling with the unwanted conversations is possibly the hopelessness within his voice and demeanor. You could not change it. Say a prayer and let it go.

You owe it to yourself and your family to let yourself be the best you can be! I'm sorry you had to go through this...and Bill too.

Later in the rain~Deb

No guilt, Deb, just an apology.

Very well said, Paul, very well said...

My dear Paul...

You make me cry, you make me laugh, you have such a big heart and a way of saying things that really move me.  I wish I could know you better, but am glad for what small part I have with you.  Everyone has pretty much said all I would about this tragic person, some people are just so sad.  I'll never forget that line in the book Sophie's Choice, "Such undeserved unhappiness".  This was a part in the book before you knew what her "choice" had been and they had been at the beach with a bunch of his friends who were complaining about different things in their life, and seeing physciatrist for all "their problem", which of course were just simple trials and tribulations of life.  They had no conception of what true unhappiness and unbearable horrific things she had gone through.  So it is with a lot of people...such undeserved unhappiness.

Don't beat yourself up, you could not possibly know what this man was going through, and we all need to take responsibility for our lives as you do.  Something really terrible may have happened in his life or he might have just been experiencing "undeserved unhappiness"!

Now if we really wanted to get philosophical we could talk about if there is really a difference when whatever it is is happening to you?

OK now you have to write something funny for me!