As of the recent birth of my #2 son, I have noticed a bit of change in my loving wife and figured I had better write about her and all of the new moms in the world and give them the 'props that are much deserved...
First and foremost...THANK GOD that women exist. If the expansion of this species were layed upon the shoulders of MAN, we would have been extinct a long time ago. I dont do pain very well...so the thought of going into labor puts me into a fetal position in a corner crying.
Secondly, I think it should be Mother's Day every day! I dont think that this should be regulated to one day simply because there are plenty of every day occasions that moms encounter that should be rewarded within a baby's first year of life...or thier 18th year of life...
So, Ive taken the liberty to write down a few of these first time occassions that I found in BabyTalk magazine...and the subsequent reward that should be given at that exact moment.
Occasion -- You produce your tenth quart of breast milk...
Present -- You should get a new suede jacket! (Hey, if your gonna get milked like one, you deserve the flashy leather exterior.)
Occasion -- You survive reading Goodnight Moon a total of 58 times in one sitting.
Present -- You should get a telephone, a red balloon, and a great green room at The Plaze Hotel. (You have to read the book to get this joke.)
Occasion -- While changing a hazmat-grade diaper on a public park bench, you run out of baby wipes - then realize that you dont have any diapers in your diaper bag either.
Present -- Therapy!
Occasion -- You go out for a rare hour of "me time" and accidentally spend it napping on a cross-town bus.
Present -- A new designer bag (to replace the one that was stolen from you while napping on the bus)
Occasion -- In search of your baby's favoritce pacifier, you waste half a morning rooting through the trash barrells at the playground.
Present -- A new bottle of Calgon and Chanel No. 5 (But, you swear nothing will cover up that smell...)
Occasion -- You scrub roughly 1,000 flecks of puried squash off the dining room walls, unaware that you're also scubbing off the paint.
Present -- More therapy!
Occasion -- You lovingly record every detail of your child's first month in her baby book.
Present -- A professional planner for her first birthday party (that happens next week!!)
Occasion -- You greet your spouse with girlish enthusiasm after a long day of projectile vomit, projectile poops, and a surprise visit from your in-laws.
Present -- An Academy Award!
So, "Here!! Here!!" I say to those new moms of the world! And another "Here!! Here!!" to those moms that have years under thier belts. If it werent for you, we wouldnt be here!
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Clint,
Flat out...hilarious!!!...and true!!! LOL Thanks, Fran