Like most real estate professionals – and people with other professions – negotiating is a normal, almost daily activity. Negotiating for clients is part of an expected routine that comes with the territory. And don’t get me started on the negotiations often involved with our partners, parents, family, friends, etc.
Some individuals thrive on the back and forth and see negotiation as a contest in which there is a definite winner. Not so much for me. I just want to be sure there is mutual agreement so everyone wins. Too unrealistic? Well, maybe since I don’t like arguing or pressing the point. But I don’t want to just roll over either.
So is it possible to get one’s way – to prevail in a negotiation – without being pushy, overbearing, rude, uncompromising and/or argumentative? The subtitle of the article with the above title is: “It’s not manipulation, it’s a skill.”
The author says the idea of getting what we want gets a bad reputation. Some people worry it’s selfish to ask for what we need. The reality is, the author notes, is other people can’t read minds. We need to ask for things in order to get our needs met. It isn’t selfish; it’s necessary.
She points out that it’s very hard to ask for what we need and can be a daunting task. But there’s good news, she says — asking for what we need and getting what we want from others is a skill that anyone can learn. We’re assured that with a little practice, we can make requests in a way that increases the likelihood of getting what we want. And who wouldn’t want that?
The article then presents us with ways to make requests that are more likely to get us what we want.
Step 1: Acknowledge the situation
We’re asked to briefly give context to the situation. This step should only take a sentence or two. Describe what is going on in brief, descriptive terms that don’t judge.
For example, instead of saying “You never take the trash out,” say “I noticed the trash looks full.” Avoid blaming the person and be as descriptive as possible.
Step 2: Make the ask
We’re further advised to ask for what we need. We should state our request directly and clearly. Specify a timeframe if needed.
For example, “I would really like it if you could take out the trash today.”
Step 3: Empathize and reinforce
We’re also asked to note how it may be difficult for the other person to do what we ask. This shows that we’re giving thought to the other person and not just making demands of them. Lastly, we should reinforce their efforts in some way — state how it benefits them or why it would be good for them to fulfill our request.
Say, “I know it’s annoying to take out the trash, and I think we will both feel better when it’s done because we won’t have to keep pushing the garbage down to make room in the bin.”
Step 4: Problem solve alternatives
Sometimes, the author says, the other person just can’t complete the request. Or they may truly despise taking out the trash, and would rather do something else. This step is a way to negotiate. We should be sure to ask them if they can’t help with our request, if there is something else they can do instead. This promotes creativity and allows us to come closer to meeting our needs.
For example, we can say, “If you don’t want to take out the trash, is there a house chore you’d rather do instead?”
And we can even offer to help them out. “If you take out the trash, I can get a new bag and put it in the bin.”
Use an appropriate demeanor throughout
The article also notes that how we say the message is just as important as what we say. Even if we follow these steps but yell at the person, roll our eyes, name-call, or use sarcasm, our request will fall flat and maybe even make the situation worse. We’re told to follow these steps to deliver our request in a skillful way:
Be direct without being hostile. Use a calm tone of voice with an open posture. Make gentle eye contact and convey warmth by expressing care/concern. Clearly ask for what we want without apologizing, and stick to the goal, which is our request. Try not to get sidetracked from the topic at hand. Repeat our request if needed.
Go get what we want
This method, according to the author, has all the key ingredients of a successful request. Throughout our request, be descriptive of the situation and ask for what we want clearly and directly. Empathize with the person and discuss how we’ll reinforce their efforts or why it will be helpful. Remember to keep a calm and warm demeanor throughout our request, and stay focused on the task.
The author reminds us that we should keep in mind that a request doesn’t have to be fulfilled perfectly to be “successful.” But it can feel amazing to assert our needs, even if we don’t get what we want. You can also negotiate with the person, and get part of the request fulfilled or get something else that will be helpful. Either way, the author concludes, we win.
OK, negotiation via email/text/phone isn’t exactly like communicating in person but the author’s suggestions are duly noted. Keep a calm and warm demeanor . . . now that’s an aim when we just want to scream!
Courtesy Marina Harris Ph.D.
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