How To Sound More Assertive

Word experts say we need to ditch certain phrases in order to sound more assertive - if that's our aim.

A recent article suggests that we all have skills, opinions and ideas that we feel confident about. But whether or not other people — a manager, colleague, friend, partner or new acquaintance — feel the same depends on how we communicate.

The authors ask if we are passive and let other people steamroll over us. Or are we aggressive and make enemies instead of friends? Or are we passive-aggressive and irritate others by being unclear? The take away is that none of these are qualities will help us sound confident.

The key, say the authors, is to be assertive without being overly aggressive, and we can do that by avoiding four phrases that make us sound weak or timid:

1. "I'm sorry to ask this, but..."

We’re cautioned that when we use apologetic words (e.g., "I'm sorry, I have one last question" or "Maybe it's just me, but..."), it can sound like we're putting ourselves down. Or it can downplay a request that we're trying to make.

It’s suggested that we're better off skipping the intros. Don't say: "I'm sorry to bother you, but can you share the report you made for the team meeting?" Just get to the request: "Can you share the report you made for the team meeting?"

Then close with a "thank you."

2. "I could do that."

We’re reminded that verbs are action words. They tell people what we're doing or what we're going to do. To appear stronger, we should choose verbs that clearly state our intentions.

For example, "will" is much stronger than "could." Instead of "I could do that," say "I will do that."

Similarly, when we ask for something, "I need" is much stronger than "I want." Why? Because we don't want assistance; we need assistance. 

3. "You need to..."

The article also points out that when we start a request with a "you"-based statement (e.g., "You make me..." or "You cannot..."), it can come across as controlling behavior, which is sometimes the result of fear or insecurity.

"I"-based statements, however, can help us communicate how we're feeling or what we want, without it sounding like an attack.

For example, "You need to get started on that project" sounds more commanding than the equally assertive "I'd like it if you started on that project."

We should always lead with our own feelings or actions, according to the authors.

4. "You always..." (or "You never...")

Generalizations typically lead to arguments because they can cause the other person to get defensive.

If we're unhappy about something, the article says to be specific. Instead of saying "You always forget meetings," say "I was upset when you showed up late to Thursday's meeting."

We also don't want to assign all of the blame to one person: "You ruined the presentation by not being there!"

Instead, we’re advised to describe the situation accurately: "By coming 10 minutes late, you made the presentation more difficult by distracting the client." This method gives us a reputation for fairness and helps the other person see where they can improve.

More ways to sound assertive without being overly aggressive

The authors propose that being thoughtful and intentional in the way we communicate will go a long way in earning respect. They offer some additional tips to keep in mind:

1. Say "because" when we refuse a request. It softens the "no" and confidently explains our reasoning. Instead of saying "I can't do it," say "I can't do that today, because I need to prepare for a meeting this afternoon." (Bonus points if we offer a potential solution: "How about I do that on Tuesday?")
2. Say "I understand" when we disagree with someone. Instead of cutting right to the chase about why we think someone is wrong, we should start with a softener like "I see your point" or "I get what you're driving at."
3. Start with empathy.When we're turning someone down, let them know we understand how it affects them. "I know you are busy and stressed out, but I really don't have the time today."
4. When we explain a problem, use conditional statements. We’re requested to follow this format: "If you do [X], then [Y] happens." For example: "When the report wasn't finished in time, it created a problem for the team's sales presentation." This helps us take the emotion out of the problem and focus on the solution. 

It's interesting to actually think about the phrases/phrasing we use to communicate with each other. Seems like our daily interactions, whether in person, by phone, via email and/or text, are generally without much intentionality.

And given everyone’s time constraints, we may not have the luxury of formulating verbal or written conversations that are without some of the above adverse issues.

So now we have something to add to our New Year’s resolutions: to say what we mean and mean what we say with the absence of any hidden connotations resulting in no negative consequences.

Courtesy Kathy and Ross Petras