1. I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. He asked which three were interested, I said the gas, electric, and cable.
2. Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and will be used against you.
3. I try to be a nice, person but sometimes my mouth doesn't want to cooperate!!!
4. Never laugh at your wife's choices... You are one of them.
5. Everyone has the right to be stupid. It's just that some people abuse the privilege.
6. There should be an app so you can delete your number from other people's phones.
7. Just once I would like to read a medication label that says: WARNING... may cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles and increase energy.
8. Most women are afraid of clowns but somehow still end up dating one!
9. Of course women don't work as hard as men... They get it right the first time.
10. Home is the only place you can say anything you want because no one is listening to you anyway.
11. I spent my entire childhood wishing I was older now I'm older... and it sucks...
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