When interviewing someone here is what their ANSWERS really mean!

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS (means):
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.
I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING
I'm a college dropout.
I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:
I've been accused of sexual harassment.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don't throw me away!

Some funny quotes for ya:

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

17% of college graduates would punch themselves really hard in the face for $50.

Stock up and save. Limit: one

Hello, I must be going.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

The Real Estate Dictionary:

Spacious - average
Charming - small
Comfortable - very small
Cozy - very, very small
Low maintenance - no lawn
Walk to stores - nowhere to park your car
Prestigious - expensive
Bright and sunny - venetian blinds not included
Townhouse - former tenement
Modern - 30 to 40 years old
Contemporary - at least 15 years old
Sprawling ranch - inefficient floor plan
Natural setting - forget about planting, the deer will eat everything
Secluded setting - far away
Executive neighborhood - high taxes
Near houses of worship - fanatical denomination next door
Park-like setting - a tree on the block
Unaffected charm - needs painting
Starter home - run down
Hurry! Won't last - about to collapse
And much, much more - nothing else comes to mind

Have a good night!