WARNING: Contains small parts and extreme sarcasm. Not recommended for children under 18, or people who don't understand satire...

Divorce Barbie blog author Mirela Monte suggested, after numerous comment exchanges on her blog, that we collaborate on a "Barbie Blog" in honour of Barbies upcoming 50th birthday.  My initial response: "there's just something a bit creepy about a 38-year-old man writing about Barbies in his blog.  Maybe I will do a "Ken" blog and link it to yours..."  Well, she called me on it, and here I sit, writing about a toy that I will never admit to having used...ever...no really...NEVER!

In researching for this blog (yes, I said "researching"), I found out that there are 12 billion different kinds of Barbies, accessories, items, appliances, products, and stuff with Special Editions for every damn facet, job title and minute corner of life you can think of. Not to mention Barbies for every popular cultural icon, movie, hobby or even piece of clothing.   However, there are precious few "Ken" dolls (at least not funny ones)... so I took some liberties with my versions:

"Biker" Ken®  - Harley-Davidson® Ken® doll will once again ride in style in his fun, edgy and authentic Harley-Davidson® outfits. Intricate details like working silvery zippers, silvery buttons and chains, and Harley-Davidson® Motorcycle logos accent their ultra-hip biker ensembles. Ken® doll looks hot in his denim shirt, white knit tank top, and black leatherette chaps worn over his blue jeans. Silvery stud accents and a silver and black Harley-Davidson® shield buckle complete his outfit. He's got that true cool biker edge with his chest "hair" and "beard," and the "born to ride" tattoo on his forearm! Doll is pose able so he can "ride" the Harley-Davidson® Fat Boy® replica (sold separately).

(Editorial note: This one is actually a real doll - and what I wrote was a portion of their ad-copy.  Who at Barbie HQ found Hell's Angel's so cuddly and adorable? This doll is for little girls?! "Ultra-hip"? "He looks hot"? Chest hair?! Somehow I can't imagine a Hell's Angel going up to another saying, "Dude...does this shirt make my chest look buff? "Do these chaps make my ass look fat?" I'm assuming Harley-Davidson® had to OK this since their logo® and name are all over it, in which case someone ought to take the "workable chains" found on the Biker Ken® and go throttle some CEO.)

"Metro" Ken® 

Comes with a man-bag ("Murse") containing skin moisturizers, hand cream, hair gel, and back-wax.  "Limited Edition" version has a certificate for a pedicure and spa treatment.

Sometimes confused with:

 "Alternative Lifestyle" Ken

Aw, heck: call it what it is. This Ken is gay (as in "homosexual", not "excessively happy and bright"). The doll wears a satin vest and mesh shirt so his ripped stomach is exposed, a chain necklace with a rainbow color metal ring on it, a bracelet, rings, and one earring.  Optional purple mesh shirt, purple vest and blue pants.

"Homeboy" Ken® - Truly a "fly" Ken in sweatshirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull the cord and he says things like "Yo' Homey," "Dang, get outta my face," and "Bro's Before Ho's." Look for the "Puff, Puff, Pass" accessory kit.

"Transgender" Ken®, er, Barbie®, er, Ken® (Who knows?) - Formerly known as G.I. Joe. Comes with three, count 'em, three, of Barbie's dresses, and a chiffon scarf to cover his Adams apple.  This versatile doll can be easily converted from Ken to Barbie by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

"Gangsta" Ken® - This recently paroled Ken comes with a 9mm handgun, a switchblade knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit.  Raiders jacket and Rap CD included.  This model has been hard to find since the addition of the stroller and infant doll to the Barbie line.

"Pimpin'" Ken® - This doll is dressed in the finest leather his girls money can buy, complete with red beret, jewel-studded cane and assorted "bling". A true "action-figure", push the button on his back and witness his "pimpslap" backhand; even curses and mumbles derogatory terms when string is pulled. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills)...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. Optional 1979 Caddy sold separately.

"White Trash" Ken®: He's larger and meaner than them other prissy, citified, think-thur-better'n-you Kens! This pale, mullet-haired model comes dressed in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and sports a fashionable jailhouse tattoo on his forearm. When you push the button on his back, he will spit over 5 feet!  Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer.   The "Special Edition" gift set comes with two packs of Marlboro Lights, a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set.  Purchase his pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

"Married Life" Ken® - With Beer-bustin' expanding waist*. Molded to recliner. Clothed in a dirty white muscle shirt and his tighty-whities, his hand is conveniently shaped to fit the included miniature TV remote control (not attached so that it can get lost every once in a while to replicate life).  The doll says, "Where's the remote?" "Shut up woman!" and "Git me a beer." Coupons included for real beer and chips. (*Please note that waist cannot be reduced once expanded).

"Crash-Test" Ken® - Comes with car, helmet, snappy-looking crash test suit and brick wall.  Some RE-assembly required.

"Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement" Ken®: - Pull the string on his back and he unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for his ex's new man-toy. Comes with a hatred for all women, and a Malibu tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of his left hand).

"Twelve-Step" Ken®: Pull the string on his back and he says, "Hi, I'm Ken and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack of smokes.

"Hacker" Ken® (Formerly "Web Site Designer" Ken®) - The aim of these dolls is to revert the stereotype that "pretty" men are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.  Comes equipped with Kens very own xterminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell" series. The doll is robed in a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of worn-out jeans with Casio all-purpose watches and thick glasses that can set ants on fire. Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional. The doll has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking his eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 12 hours straight. His vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as "IP address," "TCP/IP," "kernel," "NP-complete," and "Alpha AXP's."

Future Hacker Ken dolls will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of hacking. "Hacker Ken Goes to Jail" will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while "K3N R1TES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an introduction to expository writing.

"Mid-Life Crisis" Ken® - Barbie and Ken had a falling out. She got the dream house, he got the mid-life crisis. Ken's is pierced and tattooed in an effort to relive his 20's and he's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the penthouse suite. Comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H1. This doll likes to "experiment," but will never commit.  Comes with a coupon for a sample bottle of Viagra.

"Internet Porn Addiction" Ken® - This doll is complete with a pale complexion, bloodshot eyes, and coffee-stained, wrinkled clothes. Comes with a 3-month subscription to "Barbies-Gone-Wild.com" and a box of Kleenex.  Pull his string and...on second thought, we recommend that you do NOT pull the string.

"Blue Collar" Ken®: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, hard hat, lunch pail, CAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and is missing three fingers on his left hand.  Also included is a replica 1984 Toyota 4-runner with expired temporary tags and empty beer cans in the truck bed.

"Steroid" Ken® - This model has a highly exaggerated physique, has no neck and is anatomically correct (according to doctor's reports of the effects of steroids).  Every detail was thought of when they included pus-oozing back-acne and overactive sweat glands.  Pull the string and listen to his "Roid Rage".  Major League Baseball uniform included {specify desired team}. 

Special edition 'Arnold' Ken is equally big and buff, but when you pull the string he says, "Cahl-ee-FOR-nee-ah".

"Lion Tamer" Ken® - Ken has run off and joined the circus...as a lion tamer!  Unfortunately, training was not considered prior to making this decision.  Lion is included; Kens head is not.

"Mafia" Ken® - Dark Italian suits, Cuban cigars and an SUV are the order of the day with this model.   Comes with a violin case (you got a problem with that?).  Mafia Barbie® (Feet set in cement--she really sinks!) is no longer available, as she has not been seen since the release of the Mafia Ken doll.

Please drop in to read the "sister" blog to mine - Mirelas Barbie Blog

Thanks Mirela for asking me to do this blog.  I really learned a lot about myself...now I think it's time to go call my shrink.