Disclaimer: If you take your appearance way too seriously, or if you are just wound too tight at the moment, please do not read this.  You'll burst a vein in your temple, and what will THAT do to your good looks?  Instead, pour yourself a glass of wine (or whatever it is you do to relax), take a deep breath, close your eyes... take a nap!  Then, please come back and read once you're relaxed.  But remember to plant your tongue firmly in your cheek while reading-- as long as the tongue-planting doesn't interfere with that glass of wine.

Subtitle: In Search of Non-Surgical, Low Budget Procedures for the Woman Over Forty

Part I

With the Half-Century birthday rushing at me like a runaway locomotive, I'm taking a look at stopping the march of time across my face.  Plastic surgery is out of the question, as are other expensive options.  A "chemical peel"?? ExCUSE ME?  No funky, unpronounceable chemicals on MY face, thank-you-very-much!

I think I'll stick to something more familiar.  Laminating is something I'm familiar with.  Back in my elementary school-teaching days, it kept all those bulletin board displays smooth and free from fading.  Perfect.  I'm laminating my face next week.

Part II

Remember those younger days when long hair actually complemented your look?  I wore mine down to the middle of my back.  Since it was-- and still is-- rather fine and thin, the remedy was to bend over and brush my hair upside down.  Then, FLIP! and Voila! Poofy Full, fluffy hair! (I lived in Oklahoma at this time.  Big ol' "HAR" was in.  All y'all ladies from the South know what I mean.)

A couple of years ago A few days ago, I'm performing the upside-down-brushing technique and see something frightening.  Something with three chins, lumps around the ears, crumpled crepe paper under the eyes is looking at me.  Augh!  I thought only that little kid in the movie saw dead people. I stand upright so fast I risk whiplash.  I've just seen myself upside down in the mirror for the first time since my thirties.

My hair is now short.  I still object to plastic surgery, but I'm seeing duct tape in a new light.  I wonder if it comes in flesh tones....  If not, silver was one of my school's colors in high school.   Sporting a bit of strategically placed duct tape can take years  off my appearance.  I'm fantasizing about those former high school cheerleaders being envious as well.

Part III

The perfect facial mask?  This would be one I never peel off.  I haven't found any with "never remove" in the directions, but what's wrong with just following the beginning of the directions and ignoring steps about removing it?  Firm, tight skin all the time.  What every woman wants.  My preferred mask has a slight greenish hue.  No problem.  I'll accessorize accordingly.