This is a post I wasn't sure I'd ever write. Maybe I shouldn't now. But here I go.
Maureen McCabe wrote a post titled "Women Shouldn't Blog Because ..." and got me all riled up. It was all about fear of what "might" happen. I felt myself mentally stand up next to her ready to go to battle to protect my right to do what anyone else can do. Fear doesn't own me.
This follows closely on the heels of the Virginia Tech tragedy. Feelings are close to the surface.
I just want to send a message not to let fear take charge. I know what I'm talking about, and I'll share my experience with you so you'll understand. I shared just a bit in my comment to Maureen, so I guess if I'm "in for a penny, I'm in for a pound."
I used to be a bank teller in a big city. In our training, we were told what to do if we were robbed. We were told that if we stayed in that job for a long time, chances are we would be the victim of a crime.
They were right. In one year there, my branch was robbed three times. Two of them were "polite robberies", where a quiet note is passed and no weapon is shown. The other robbery was worthy of a Hollywood action movie.
The robber waited in line with everyone else. When it was his turn to be waited on, he ran at the counter, planted his hand on top and leapt over to our side. He pulled a gun out and went to each one of us, holding the gun pointed right at us, and yelled at us to give him our money. I was the vault teller and was terrified he'd make me take him to the vault. I did not want to be in that small space with him and his gun, and I thought he'd kill me when he saw all that money. My older daughter was just four months old at the time. I flashed on a mental image of her sweet little face and my loving husband for just a moment, and the pain was so deep that I blocked them out. The robbery seemed to take an eternity. He got the money from all of us, then leapt back across the counter. On his way out he turned and fired a single shot in our general direction. The bullet went into the wall next to me.
I was scared. I was terrified. I was MAD. I felt such a mix of emotions that I'm still not sure everything I was feeling.
The point of my writing this is that I had to go back to work the next day. After being robbed and shot at, I had to smile at my customers again. It was hard. I had a lot of fear. I did NOT want to go back.
I did go to work the next day. I smiled at my customers. I did not feel like smiling at all. Eventually, over time, I realized I was smiling for real.
One of my coworkers quit, she never came back. I wonder about her now. I wonder if she is still afraid. I'm not. I know that bad things can happen at any time. I think I know better than most that any day that I wake up might be my last. I love my life and I choose to be happy. This is a wonderful life, if only you'll let it be.
I'm going to blog. I'm going to advertise myself and do all kinds of other things that possibly put me in danger, because it's my job. I refuse to be silenced because someone else might be insane.
I got to go home that day and hold my little girl. My husband held and comforted me. I realized that I could be afraid and let a bad man win, or I could go to work and kick him out of my head. He holds no power over me.
Maybe I shouldn't have written this, it's very personal. But it's my blog and I won't be afraid. There's a whole campus full of kids that were terrorized in ways much worse than I can imagine, and I don't want them to live in fear. I want those kids to remember their friends and mourn them, but I want them to go on to live happy lives. I know this soon afterwards, it doesn't seem possible, but they can. I want them to remember the heroes among them and celebrate the good. Kick the bad man aside and move on, a step at a time. Every day is a gift.
EDITED: Just wanted to point out to any readers that the comments on this post are incredibly touching and inspiring. There are a lot, but if you have time, please read them. I was amazed at the response to this post and can truly say that the comments are worth reading much more than the post itself!
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