If it's not enough that the population of hard-nosed print journalists is being thinned out, and newspaper publishers seem eager to replace veteran reporters with inexperienced and (dare I say) often less dedicated reporters, some days the news just isn't uplifting -- fires, homicides, bankruptcies, foreclosures, bank failures, you name it. As a result, some reporters are looking for more upbeat stories, I suspect.

I belong to a public relations site that releases queries from reporters who are looking for interview subjects, and thought you might like to read some of the queries they send, and why I don't respond. Can't tell you which newspaper, magazine or web site, unfortunately.

Query: "Looking for an Expert on How to Behave at Holiday Parties -- What NOT to Do."

Elizabeth Weintraub's tips:

• Don't show up naked, wear clothing.
• Don't engage in intimate relations in the coat closet.
• Don't do shots of Tequila and dance with a lampshade on your head.

Query: "Looking for Seattleites to Talk About the Ups and Downs of Umbrellas."

Elizabeth Weintraub's tips:

• Point umbrellas away from your face upon opening.
• Stand under an umbrella to stay dry.
• If it's not raining, close your umbrella.

Query: "We Can't Afford That -- Explaining Budget Concerns to Your Children"

Elizabeth Weintraub's tips:

• Show them photos of starving children in China.
• Teach them to panhandle.
• Make them walk to school, uphill in the snow and barefoot.

You can see how easy it is to be an expert. Piece of cake. But if you're looking for a Sacramento short sale / foreclosure expert, call Elizabeth Weintraub, who always has an opinion or advice on just about anything.