Thank You - Tee Hee

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. Thanks to you,

• I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

• I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

• I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

• I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs, including feces.

• I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

• Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans-fats I have consumed over the years.

• I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.   Yuck!

• I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

• Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

• I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

• I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

• I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

• I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

• I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

• Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

• Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

• I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

• I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

• I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer

• And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

• I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS

• I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

• I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

• I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

• I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

• I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

• Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

• And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

• I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

• If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

• Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way...

• A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

• Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

This was shared with me recently - author unknown.  If anyone knows who to give credit to, please advise.  Til then, enjoy!