T-Bone or Bonz: What's on your plate this next year?

A holiday survival guide for men to keep them out of the doghouse and in the big house for another year.

Men, I've noticed, are by nature challenged when it comes to gift giving. My husband breaks out in a cold sweat three times a year...my birthday, our anniversary and Christmas. Now, he's a big bear of a guy so it's pretty tough to make that happen but on those three little days a year he has a small private break down and usually ends up begging me to take pity on him and just tell him "exactly" I want or to go buy something for myself, wrap it and then feign surprise when I open it up. Which I diligently do "Oh! For me? It's Perfect!"

Why is it so difficult for men to choose the perfect gift? I've been in the stores on Christmas Eve day and the mall is swarming with confused stressed men shuffling store to store all wearing the same panicked deer in the headlights look. In order to make things easier on the entire male population, I have included The Ultimate Guy Rules when shopping for your significant other...

Rule # 1: Appliances. Never ever buy a woman something that needs to be plugged into a wall socket to operate. Items that fall into this category would include toasters, mixers, blenders, vacuums, electric tooth brushes, etc.

Rule # 2: Yard equipment. This falls under the "So No" category. Listed here: hoses, sprinkler heads, lawn mowers, hoes, clippers, etc. In fact, just to be safe, do not enter Home Depot over the holiday and you should be all right. You are allowed to languish in the parking lot and gaze longingly at the building, but that's all. Also, avoid all home improvement sections of major chain stores.

Helpful Hint: If your cart begins to wander towards the plumbing section with reckless abandon and you are unable to control it, immediately relinquish control of the cart to your female companion and head for the frozen food section of the grocery area and wait there until your cart comes to it's senses.

Rule # 3: Listen closely to this one, it could mean life or death (your own)....under no circumstances purchase anything weight related. No thigh masters, ab blasters or gym memberships, no lifetime supplies of Jennie Craig food and absolutely no "hot off the bestseller list" diet books. Please, I'm begging you....this can only end in heartache and pain!

Rule # 4: Never, ever buy us anything you have included on your own personal Christmas list unless you are prepared to receive the silent treatment for the next 364 days when you will get yet another chance to try the shopping game once again. If your list includes a new tool set, a new golf bag, power saw or a newfangled "gotta have" widget then it better not be addressed to us, wrapped in tissue paper and tied with a pretty bow come XMAS morn.

Here is what is on our acceptable gift list: Jewelry (bling), clothing (no Mom jeans or ugly flannel robes), gift cards (Nordstroms, Macy's) at department stores with women's apparel (sorry, Golf World is not a high fashion store for women), personal items, perfume, lingerie (don't get all excited, Frederick's of Hollywood is not really considered lingerie), spa and massage certificates, vacations and jewelry. Oops! Said that one, but it's definitely worth repeating. Bling...bling..bling.

Feel free to print this list out and carry it with you...better safe than sorry. I have empowered you with wisdom passed down through generations of men who faced disgrace and dismemberment by their female counterparts...may the force be with you......now, go forth and shop!